33

Not much time for reflection this birthday. I was up at 4:30 a.m. to finish my homework for my class, as I can’t think clearly enough in the evenings when I’m tired to do it, and then caught the bus at 6:30 a.m. to meet someone at 7:15 a.m. to go to the SRC (the student rec center – the gym). We worked out until 8, then I went to work, went to lunch with some friends/coworkers, went to class, back to work for a little while and finally caught the bus home around 6. I talked to my grandmother, fed the furbabies, ate a snack and took a short nap. Up a while later to eat supper and watch Grey’s Anatomy, talked to one grandmother for a bit, then the other grandmother and my aunt for a bit, then I went to bed.

Mom didn’t call me on my birthday last year or this year. Didn’t even text me a Happy Birthday. Not sure what’s up with her, but I’m a little hurt. We’ll see if I get a birthday card, but I haven’t so far. She did send a check (just a check, no note or card or anything) that’s intended to help me get a new laptop. I appreciate it, but my dad told her to send it, because she’s the keeper of the checkbook. I talked to Dad night before last and then he texted me yesterday morning.

So, a pretty uneventful birthday for me. But I guess that’s to be expected. After the events of two years ago, an uneventful birthday is okay, you know?

——————–

To get my 34th year off to a good start, I’ve lost 22.2 lbs so far doing WW. We’ll see how I do this week, with starting to go to the SRC. Oh, and I made an A on my Statistics midterm. Didn’t expect it, but hey, I’ll take it.

Two years

Hard to believe it’s been two years.  Two years since I last saw their sweet faces.

Getting so tired of the bullshit

Got a letter in the mail today – my landlord is raising my rent, not even halfway through my lease. WTF? Why are they doing that?

I’m barely making ends meet as it is, and now they’re raising my rent another $15 a month. Jesus.

I’m going to call them tomorrow and see if I can find out why they are raising my rent. I’m also looking for a new place to live. I suspect they really want to renovate this place and sell it, so they just might let me out of my lease. IF I can find someplace else to go that I can afford, and that will take me and my animals. I put an ad on Craigslist, so we’ll see.

———————-

Second anniversary of the fire is coming up at the end of this month, and I still remember it like it was yesterday. I wish it didn’t bother me so much, but it definitely does. So many negative feelings tied to that event, and so many regrets. I used to love the fall, and now it makes me sick.

First goal

I lost 3 lbs this week, so I reached my first WW goal. I’m up to a total of 14 lbs. Next goal – 10%.

Didn’t expect to lose 3 lbs in a week, especially this week, but I’m not givin’ it back, you know?

Funny part was that when I entered in this week’s weigh-in on the WW etools weight tracker page, it told me that, while they were sure I was excited about losing weight, I was losing faster than I should, and I should work to slow down my weight loss.

I don’t know how to slow down my weight loss, especially considering I had no expectations that I would lose as much as I did this week.

I’m sure my weight loss will slow itself down eventually. Probably sooner rather than later. Perhaps I will ignore their advice and just keep doing what I’m doing.

So sad…

Jani’s at the mercy of her mind – a story about a 6-year-old girl with schizophrenia. I can’t imagine what it must be like for her and her parents, but my heart goes out to their family.

Better

I’m feeling much better than I was recently, despite some things that have caused me stress. I’m not letting it get to me any more, at least not at the moment. I was reminded of why I need my meds and why I will probably always need my meds. I can’t afford to slip into the abyss, and that’s what happens when I try to go off my meds.

So, on with the meds it is.

Today is the first day of classes at Carolina. I’m taking Statistics, about which I am not thrilled and more than a little anxious, and my class is at 3:30 in the afternoon. I wish it was in the morning or midday, but I tried to get the best instructor I could get, and hopefully I made the right choice. It’s not going to be an easy class for me I know, so getting a teacher I could understand and who was approachable was of the utmost importance.

Lost another 2.2 lbs at WW this week – up to 11 lbs total so far. I’m hoping for 2 lbs at least this week, because that will put me at my first goal. We shall see. I’m still walking to work most days, so I’m sure that helps, and it’s getting so I kind of look forward to the walk. I especially like Tuesdays and Wednesdays, when I can listen to the podcasts of Car Talk and Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me. (I download the podcasts from the weekend on Monday, so don’t listen to them until Tuesday and Wednesday). I’ve also been listening to The Story and This American Life, and occasionally Science Friday, but I’d like to find something else to listen to as well, so that I don’t get bored.

Lots of folks walking and biking this morning, with it being the first day of classes. A busy fall is ahead.

Sometimes

The hazard of being only somewhat anonymous when blogging is that sometimes you can’t be honest in what you write, lest it come back to bite you in the ass. If you’re reading this, it likely has nothing to do with you, but there is always the slim chance that someone I don’t want reading could stumble across my blog and read things that could make my life more difficult. So, better not to write such things, you know?

Suffice it to say, I’m living for my therapy appointment this week. And things are not getting any easier for me at the moment. And I suppose that’s all I should say about that.

Classes start next week. I’m not ready.

Lost 3.4 lbs on my second week of WW. Trying to not blow it this week, but wanting to eat for comfort as much as anything. Trying to “sit with my feelings” as my therapist recommended, but that’s not easy to do when those feelings aren’t happy ones.

Enough.

5.4 lbs

Weight loss – week 1 on Weight Watchers.

Bad mood

I am in a really bad mood today. This whole week, actually. I’m tired (exhausted) and frustrated and feel like crying much of the time. I’m afraid I’m going to bite someone’s head off if they say the wrong thing to me.

I was doing so well for so long and I can’t figure out what’s triggered this mood shift. The worst part is that I get angry with myself for feeling bad and not being able to just snap out of it.

My therapist says that I need to cut myself a break and not get upset with myself over feeling bad – that only makes things worse. I know she’s right, but not sure I can do it.

Anxiety level: high

Not sure what’s going on, but my anxiety level is, um, a little elevated at the moment. It feels like the “fight or flight” response – heart pounding, on edge, shaky, freaking out. I’m trying to not let it take over, but I can’t say I’m doing a very good job.

This morning I actually felt pretty good. Upbeat and in control. Right now … not so much. Not that I’m out of control, because, well, I’m sitting here typing, aren’t I? But all this worry is running through my head. Racing. And I have this feeling of doom that has settled on me once again.

Wish I had therapy tonight so I could discuss it while I was in the midst of feeling this way. Naturally, tomorrow night when I do have therapy, I’ll probably feel fine.