Babies on the brain

I’ve been milling many posts around my head lately, but haven’t quite been able to see them through to fruition…ah well.

So, I’m reading a new book – Knock Yourself Up, by Louise Sloan. I would highly recommend it for any single woman who may be thinking about becoming a mom at some point in the future (particularly if you think you might use a sperm donor). It is well written, full of useful information, and hilarious to boot. They had it on the shelves at my local B&N, so it’s not one you would necessarily have to order to get.

Why am I reading a book about getting pregnant via a sperm donor? Because I’m trying to decide what path to take regarding becoming a mom. Because, well, I’m not getting any younger, people!

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My best friend, S, went to the courthouse yesterday to file a petition to adopt her little one, the Peanut. She has had Peanut, as a foster child, since Peanut was an infant, and Peanut will be turning three in April. I went with her to the courthouse to file the petition, which turned out to be just turning in some papers and getting them notarized and paying a fee to the clerk of court to do all of that. We thought there would be more “court” involved in it, but there wasn’t. Anyway, she’s in the waiting phase now, but in about 90 days, the Peanut will be forever and always legally her daughter, which is the most awesome thing I can think of. It’s sort of a final thing now, but soon she’ll get a new birth certificate with S’s name listed as the mother.

To top it off, I get to play an extra-special-important part in the Peanut’s life, as Godmother. Not the Fairy Godmother, though, hey, I can dream! I was very honored when S asked me. I love that little girl more than I could ever have imagined I would love a child.

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So, I’m now trying to figure out what I want to do regarding my career plans and how I can work motherhood into that whole equation. Not sure yet how it’s going to happen, but it is something I want, and I just have to figure out what sacrifices I may have to make and what’s most important to me, since life has certainly not taken the path I intended, in most ways.

In fact, it seems that I’ve been totally off course since graduating from college, perhaps even since graduating from high school. Other than going to Carolina, where I knew I wanted to go to college, I’ve pretty much made decisions and had experiences that have lead me in a direction I haven’t always been happy with. Now I’m trying to get back on a track that will make me happy.

So many decisions to make, so much work to do, so little time to accomplish everything. Life is too damn short, I guess.

I don’t want to spend my working years in a career I don’t love, but I also don’t want to miss out on being a mom. I don’t have control, for the most part, over whether I will get married, as that involves the direct participation and decision of others… but I can make decisions about my career and chasing motherhood for the most part on my own.

I went to a foster parent orientation tonight. I’ve pondered foster parenting for a while now, but never felt I was in a position to do it. Always thought I would adopt one day, though my views on adoption (at least arranged domestic adoption) have changed significantly. Always thought that I would like to provide a home for a child who needed one. Is this the time? I don’t know – it will depend on what decisions I make regarding my career. But it may be.

I contacted the career coach at UNC’s alumni association today about making an appointment. I’m a member of the alumni association now, so I get a free first appointment with her, which may be all I need. I discuss these things with my therapist, of course, but would like a fresh perspective from someone who doesn’t actually know me and can be more objective. I can’t help but think that the advice from the many people in my life is very skewed by what they know about me personally. I’m more interested in seeing about the feasibility of what I want in life, rather than the emotional side of it. I’m the queen of self-doubt and I think I often get doubt as well from the people who know me best when I’m talking about my future plans. I know they mean well, know they are coming from the perspective of caring about me and worrying about me, but I also truly believe that I (a) have to find my passion and (b) shouldn’t have to settle for less than what I really want out of life. I’ve been through too much in my 31 years so far to not go after what will really make me happy.

Now to figure out what that is.

Words of Wisdom

Maya’s Granny shares some words of wisdom.

Hodge Podge

No real topic for this post. I have many things milling around in my head, but not in the mood to get them all together in a coherent post, so…

The cat’s name is Neville. Yes, from Harry Potter. I couldn’t name him Harry, though he is quite hairy – I have a cousin and an uncle Harry. I couldn’t name him Ron, as I have an Uncle Ron as well. I started thinking about the names of my other feline babies and about how I chose them, and decided that a literary name would be good, but it needed to be a *real* name that wasn’t all that common in the US. Hence – Neville. It suits him, I think, though I still call him Cat, KitKat, Boy, etc. etc. etc. Just as I have many names for my girls, Puddin’ and Penny.

I’m taking Neville to the vet on Friday as he’s lost some hair on both sides of his body and I suspect he may have a skin allergy, or else that he’s pulling his hair out, and because he has some little round bb-sized hard nodules on various places on his legs. They are very round, all about the same size, and just under the skin – not attached to bone or anything, but, well, it’s not normal for a cat to have those kinds of things. So, to the vet we go. I’ll be interested to hear how much the boy weighs. He was already about 13 lbs. when he was neutered in November, and I suspect he’s gained weight since then!

Neville and the girls are getting along pretty well. I can leave them all out together when I leave home, though I have a baby gate up at the door of the front bedroom, to give him an escape if he needs it. I also make sure to not leave the dogs’ food down, as Penny gets pretty upset if he gets too near her food. But, otherwise, they are doing well together. I have a pretty full bed again, which I’m good with.

I worked from home today. My job is now officially 60% devoted to the redesign of my department’s web site, so working from home is pretty easy to do. I find it relaxing and motivating. I wouldn’t want to work from home all the time, as I think I’d get lonely, but working from home about once a week would be most welcome, and may actually be pretty feasible. Our target launch date for the public portion of the new web site is Sept. 1, with the intranet launch date set for Nov. 1, so I’m going to be pretty tied down between now and then. I’m learning some CSS, PHP and JavaScript, and we’re using Drupal for the new site. I figure they may have to reclassify me once this is all over. Lord knows that when I was in college, I never thought I’d one day be doing so much technical and design work!

I still want a career in medicine.

AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

Close-minded people really get to me. Really really. Even more so when they are part of my family. For crying in a damn bucket.

My mother forwarded me (and lots of other folks) the email about Barack Obama being a “RADICAL Muslim”, etc. etc. etc. and how he’s going to take over the world and destroy the US by winning the Presidential election. She got the email from my aunt, who, of course, forwarded it to about 30 people.

Man, the Republicans must be really afraid of losing the election if they’re working so hard to spread such bullshit.

The most humorous part of the email was this:

We checked this out on “snopes.com“. It is factual. Check for yourself. 

So, of course, I did, as I usually do, just so I could send the link to my mom, as I already knew it wasn’t true. And, shocker of all shockers, I was right – it is FALSE. Unfortunately, the people who believe these kinds of emails are exactly the kind of people who don’t bother to check out the facts, even when it’s as simple as visiting Snopes.com. ‘Course, these folks are gonna vote Republican anyway, no matter what’s said or who runs. And, amusingly enough, my mom doesn’t vote anyway.

I feel pretty good about the Dems carrying this year’s election…but should the unthinkable happen….eh, I’m not gonna go there.

At least my aunt learned to not send the email to me.

Quick update

Got an email from Cat’s foster mom and she said she loved my response to her questions, and might she come by this weekend if I am available? I told her that would be fine and that Saturday afternoon would work. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Talked to a “mental health case manager” with ValueOptions, the group responsible for pre-certifying mental health treatment for the BCBSNC PPO for state employees, and she said that my provider just needs to submit the form and it will be reviewed. I asked if there was an appeal process if the additional visits weren’t approved, and she said, “I would expect so.” Okay…you don’t know for sure? I asked her what was the likelihood that additional visits would be approved, and she said, “I can’t answer that.”

So, I don’t know much more than I did before. I guess I just have my therapist submit the form to request additional visits and take it from there…

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First day of spring semester classes here at UNC, and it is 66 degrees (F) and mostly cloudy. In early January.

Notable quotable.

Oh looky…I was quoted on page 1 of the Year in Review issue of the Daily Tar Heel. Above the fold even. Beside the headline and the quote from the chancellor announcing his impending resignation.

Jeez.

Update: I’m also (mis)quoted in an article. I corrected the info in the comments… 

Freaking out. But trying to not freak out.

My therapist told me yesterday that I have only 6 (SIX) covered therapy sessions left for the fiscal year – from now until July 1. Under the new NC State Health PPO plan, one can get additional approved sessions, but apparently only if one is at immediate risk of hospitalization for one’s mental illness. In other words, I can’t see my therapist (with coverage) to prevent relapsing into a major depressive episode and becoming suicidal, but I can see her (with coverage) once I’m already there, assuming I don’t actually kill myself, and then only until I’m out of the woods again.

This also means that as long as I’m not actively suicidal, it doesn’t matter whether or not I’m fully functioning or am able to deal with the underlying causes of my mental health issues – I can’t receive coverage past the 26 visit mark.

Of course, medication check visits with a psychiatrist are not limited. The State of North Carolina and their health plan would rather just give you drugs.

Don’t get me wrong – I need the meds. I really really need the meds. I have tried it without the meds, I have tried it with the wrong meds, and the right combination of meds keeps me stable, for the most part. But that doesn’t mean I’m not still a person who has major depressive disorder (and acute stress syndrome or PTSD, thanks to my fire experience). If my condition is not treated, my depression is at major risk of relapse. And with each episode of depression, the severity of the condition can worsen. Depression changes your brain chemistry, but it is also psychological – not merely psychiatric – and dealing with the triggers of depressive episodes in addition to being medicated goes a long way toward keeping me as a functioning member of society.

Of course, to the average person who doesn’t know me that well, I probably appear perfectly normal. To the average person, it’s not always obvious when I’m feeling suicidal and when I’m not – I’ve had to hide it in many situations. The one time I was hospitalized, I actually went to work that morning, but I had a plan and had written a note. I was admitted to the hospital that afternoon. My depression doesn’t typically make me bedridden or completely unable to function, but that doesn’t mean it is any less real.

North Carolina recently passed a mental health parity bill in it’s legislature, but the law hasn’t gone into effect as of yet. Once it does, I still doubt we will see any real change, because there are likely loop holes to keep insurance companies from really complying with the law.

The state also is in the process of forcing all of its members to switch from the older indemnity plan, which didn’t require providers to be “in network” and which had decent mental health coverage, to the new, three-tiered PPO plan. Both plans are managed by Blue Cross Blue Shield of NC, who apparently is at risk of folding due to not making enough money because they are so generous with covering medical treatment. And, of course, the salaries for state employees in NC are so competitive with the private sector that we don’t even feel a pinch in our wallets when we have to fork out a large sum of money to cover the health care that our insurance won’t cover.

So, to sum up, the State of North Carolina would rather pay for me to be hospitalized (and for the lost productivity incurred by my being out of work) than to pay for me to see my therapist weekly and have a greater likelihood of staying out of the hospital and being more productive at work because I am a happier person and employee.

Nah. We don’t need universal health care. Things are great just as they are.

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On another note, I got an email from one of the folks in charge of the group where I got Cat over the weekend. I took Cat home on Saturday on a trial basis, to see how he did with my dogs. I emailed the head of the group early on Monday to let her know that I definitely wanted to keep Cat and what do I need to do now to adopt him? She, in turn, emailed Cat’s foster mom to let her know the good news, and Cat’s foster mom emailed back saying she had a few concerns and would I mind answering some questions first?

Now, I became involved with this group back when I rescued my kittens. I had three of them included in their program to try to find them homes, and I signed a foster parent contract with them. When the plan for rehoming them didn’t work out, I adopted them from the group and signed an adoption contract with them. I’ve been checked out and have been approved by this group, which is pretty thorough in checking out potential fosters and adopters! And all the questions foster mom asked me seemed to be questions she should have known the answers to based on my affiliation with the group…

The group head said she didn’t anticipate any problems and was surprised that foster mom would ask questions, but that perhaps she was just being cautious because she’d never met me in person. I know that group leader wouldn’t have recommended I take Cat home with me if she’d thought there might be a problem with my adopting him.

I sent an email back to both group leader and foster mom with the responses to the questions right after I received the email (Will he be an indoor only cat? Do you work too many hours? What will happen to him if something happens to you? etc…). I even offered to have her come visit me if she just wanted to meet me in person, or call me if she wanted to chat. But now I’m worried that perhaps she doesn’t want me to have the cat, though I don’t know why she wouldn’t.

Foster parents in this group have a lot of say in where the pet goes (perhaps the final say?). But Cat hasn’t been in the program very long and he’s definitely made himself home at my house. I got a kitty massage in the middle of the night last night when he was feeling cuddly. He talks to me and follows me around. He and the dogs are getting used to each other, even though it’s only been a few days. And I’m growing attached, which is not surprising, I suppose!

But I haven’t heard anything yet from the group leader or foster mom. And I may freak out before I hear something, if I don’t hear soon. I only recently lost all of my kitty babies in a fire, along with most of my possessions. Could someone really turn me down to adopt a cat who is clearly happy to be at my house?

I hope not. Because I don’t think I would deal with it very well.

An after-the-holidays post coming soon. In the meantime…

Here’s some pics of the newest member of my family.