Letting go of 2008, and everything that goes with it.

Moxie had an interesting post today asking readers to write in the comments section a belief they have about themselves that they’d like to leave behind in 2008. Tomorrow, on the first day of 2009, readers can post their replacement beliefs.

I don’t feel right commenting on Moxie’s blog, since it is mostly for moms and I’m not a mom, so I figured I’d put my belief and replacement belief on my own blog.

So, the belief I have about myself that I’d like to leave in 2008 is:

I’m never going to be truly happy as long as I’m fat, and I’m always going to be fat, therefore I will never be truly happy.

Feel free to add your own in the comments, or on your own blog.

A new year – coming soon to a town near you.

The drugs appear to be working. Christmas was okay. No major drama with the family, which is always a good thing. One of my grandmothers is doing well, the other isn’t doing very well at the moment. Hopefully she’ll be doing better soon, but it will probably take a while. I just hope this wasn’t our last Christmas with either of them.

Finances are slim right now, though it’s totally my fault for getting carried away with Christmas shopping. That’s the hazard of having a big family – gotta get stuff for everyone. I started out okay, and ended up … tight.

My mom has gone from a size 18 or so to a size 4. She weighs almost as little as she did when she got married, though she’s slimmer now in some areas and not as slim in others. She and my dad are both skinny, and my brother is not-so-skinny. I am really not-so-skinny, to the nth degree. Ah well.

New Year’s resolutions are heavy in the air. I don’t normally make them, but I feel a need to this year for some reason. I’ve already sort of started, but I think I may keep it to myself for now so that if it doesn’t work no one will know that it didn’t work.

Hoping the new year is full of hope and happiness and not misery. I’m feeling just optimistic enough at the moment to say such a thing.

Did I mention that the drugs are working?

Sadness decendeth.

So many things I would write, if this blog were anonymous. I have, in the past, started other blogs that were anonymous so that I could write all the things that are going through my head without any of it getting me in trouble. I guess I could do private posts on my blog, or write in a journal, but part of what makes blog writing cathartic at times is the chance that someone will read what you wrote.

Suffice it to say that my mood doesn’t seem to be improving. It’s affecting every area of my life right now, including my ability to get anything done that needs to be done.

Something in my life needs to change. This happens periodically, I know, as I live in what seems a perpetual state of “not-good-enoughness.”

Part of my problem right now could change, but I’m not sure how to make that happen or even if it would actually make things better.  I’m afraid I’m waiting for things to change through the actions of others, when it would likely make more sense to make things change through my own actions.

Easier said than done. Especially when my meds aren’t working properly and my brain isn’t cooperating and I feel so damn sad and tearful all the time.

I’m taking things WAY too personally right now. Even things that aren’t personal are personal to me.  I assume that people are upset with me if they are just being quiet. I assume that they are talking about me if they’re whispering. I assume that if things are going wrong, it’s all my fault. I know logically that I have no proof about whether these things are true or not, but I’m just paranoid enough to spend time worrying about them.

Thing is, I don’t know how to talk myself out of those thoughts. Knowing logically that “it’s the depression talking” and that my thinking is skewed doesn’t make it feel any less real. Even finding out for sure that these things aren’t true (like if I ask someone if they are upset with me and they tell me that they’re not) doesn’t make it better. I assume the person isn’t being honest with me. And not knowing for sure if someone is angry or upset with me is somehow easier to deal with than knowing for sure that someone is angry or upset with me. In one scenario, there’s the possibility that I am mistaken, in the other it’s a certain fact. And I’m not sure I can deal with certain negative facts at the moment.

As my therapist said, I don’t have much protection around me right now. I’m feeling very fragile. It sucks. I don’t like being fragile. I wish I could discuss serious things without crying. I wish I could deal with bad news without falling apart.

Why on earth can’t I just be happy?

Didn’t sleep well last night. Woke up with a headache. Of course.

My nerves are on edge. I’m irritable as all get-out.  I tried to cook breakfast, burned it, lost it totally. Well, almost. Now I’m still hungry, but I don’t feel like attempting to cook something else. Would just go grab a bite somewhere, but it’s almost 10:30 and I haven’t showered, and my jeans are in the wash, and I don’t have anything clean to wear even if I showered, and….

I have no holiday spirit, no motivation to do anything at all, I just want to go back to bed and cry and stay there all weekend, and possibly until January.

Yes, I’m having my own little pity party.

I’m hoping that the new meds will kick in soon, but I don’t really expect them to work.

Now to decide if I can be sociable today. Supposed to take Andrew to an adoption event. Should stay there with him, but I may just drop him off and go back for him later.

When it rains, it pours

No, I mean it literally pours – from the ceiling in my kitchen!!!

I don’t remember if I blogged about my apartment water issues before, when my bathroom flooded, but apparently there was a drain that was clogged, from my upstairs neighbors’ bath, and it overflowed and my entire bathroom had 2 inches of water in it, and the carpet in the hallway and part of the living room was soaked.

Fast forward to tonight, when I heard a dripping sound from my kitchen. Not having any idea what on earth it could be, and praying that something hadn’t sprung a leak, I went to the kitchen and saw water dripping from the top of the window casing. I went upstairs to see if they had sprung a leak, but they said that they had fixed whatever problem, then I came back downstairs – and there was a crack in my ceiling and water dripping right down on top of my stove.

Seriously. When it rains, it pours.

This had already not been the best of days, and then this.

I called emergency maintenance, and the guy came out and said that they have a leak and they’re not going to use the kitchen sink tonight and he’ll have to come back in the morning to fix the problem, but, in the meantime, he cut small holes in my ceiling around the crack to let the rest of the water through. I had already put a large plastic container to catch the dripping water.

And it’s nasty water too. Eeeeewwww…

He said that my upstairs neighbors may not be living here much longer, though. Apparently there’s some suspicion about things they are doing upstairs.

I could’ve told them that.

Wonder if I can get some rent knocked off for December, with all the shit I’ve put up with??? Or free rent???

Guess it won’t hurt to ask.