How much is within our control?

I intended to spend the first part of today studying at Barnes & Noble, but, alas, I ended up reading. I read Fish!, a book about improving work morale and learning to enjoy your work. Lord knows I need something to help me feel better about work. With everything going on at work right now, it’s not easy to have a positive attitude. All the news is bad these days. All of it.

The stuff I’ve been reading lately places a lot of emphasis on choosing your attitude, choosing happiness, etc. etc. And, to be honest, I have a hard time seeing how it is possible to choose your attitude about everything. I understand the idea behind choosing your attitude, but I don’t know how much I agree with the reality of choosing your attitude.

I also don’t know how much of the way I feel about things is under my control and how much is because of the depression. I know that when I’m not depressed, it’s a lot easier to not worry about things, to be more upbeat, to have a more positive attitude. When the drugs aren’t working, though, it can be nearly impossible.

The points made in the book Fish! make a lot of sense, assuming you believe that one has the ability to choose one’s attitude in every situation – why would you choose to be miserable in your work when you spend most of your waking hours at work? Why not choose to have a good attitude at work? You may not have a job you love, but you can do your job as if you love it.

I don’t know if I buy it.

I also don’t know why it’s hard for me to give something that could make life easier a chance. I don’t know why I have a hard time even thinking about things that could make me happy, or at least happier, much less putting those things into action. I don’t know why the concept of happiness is so abstract for me. It seems very out of reach. I honestly don’t know the last time I was truly happy, but I do know that it wasn’t recently.

I realize, however, that even if my career changes, as it will at some point, my troubles are going to follow me as long as I let them. It’s obvious to me that changing jobs within my current field won’t help matters for me. I’d like to think that once I’m in a career that’s a better fit for me, I will be a happier person, but I don’t really believe that’s the case. I think that I’m going to be miserable as long as I continue thinking that I don’t deserve to be happy, regardless of my career path. I think that there are some things, like making more money, that could take away some of the stress that I currently feel that contributes to my being unhappy, but I think that ultimately, I’m going to have to try to buy in to the “happiness is a choice” stuff and figure out how to be happy regardless of my circumstances.

I do know that it’s true that there are some people who are, by nature, more optimistic and others who are down all the time, and that it often has little to do with the life circumstances for those people, but more with how they view those circumstances. I do have a “victim” view of myself, especially in regards to dealing with difficult people, and, frankly, I’m tired of letting others have so much control over me. I can’t change the fact that I have to deal with some really difficult people on a daily basis, but I have to figure out a way to not let those people affect me as much as they do. Not sure how the hell to do that, but…

what choice do I have?

Another possibility for Andrew

The family that adopted my first foster kitty emailed to see if I had any other fosters because they are considering getting a second young cat – they currently have Pietra, formerly Wink, who is about a year old, and a 15-year-old cat who, well, just doesn’t want to play with Pietra.

After much deliberation, I decided I would tell them about Andrew. I know he would have a good home with them if they decided to adopt him, so…

It still breaks my heart that I can’t/shouldn’t keep him. But I just spent a chunk of change at the vet today for Penny’s annual visit, heartworm pills for both the girls and glucosamine tabs for Pen, and that reminded me of why I don’t need a third cat. I need to focus on the ones I’m committed to caring for.

It still hurts. I wish I felt more certain that I was making the right decision in letting Andrew go. I did decide that I wasn’t going to take him to adoption events anymore but that I would wait and see for a while if the right people came along. I know that Pietra’s owners would be an ideal family for Andrew. They are wonderful people and I felt good about them adopting Wink/Pietra when I met them the first time. Visiting their home just confirmed it.

I don’t think I’ll be doing any more fostering, though. I don’t deal well with saying goodbye to my babies.

Trying to not freak the f*&% out.

Anxiety level is through the roof again. I’m trying hard to not freak out about every. single. thing. but I’m, um, having a hard time not freaking out. I wish I could blog truly anonymously right now, but even though almost no one reads my blog, it would be just my luck that I’d write the wrong thing and the wrong person would read it, and, well…

I’m limiting my news exposure because the news is all bad. It’s really really depressing. I’m focusing on my furbabies, and they are keeping me going right now. I’m terrified of getting laid off and have no earthly idea how I will deal if I do. The financial situation at work seems to be getting worse. I want to go back to school, but can’t right now. I’m afraid I will have to move at the end of May, and I don’t know where I’m going to go or how the hell I’m going to pay for it. I need to have Puddin’s teeth cleaned, and it’s high on my priority list, even if some people think it shouldn’t be.  It’s going to be expensive, but I had Penny’s teeth cleaned last year and Puddin’s cleaning is long overdue. I had to have my car serviced, to the tune of $515, and Pud’s cleaning is next up on the list of things I have to do. I know it probably makes more sense financially to hold onto whatever money I’ve got coming in, but I also am committed to taking care of my babies the best I can, and at this point, not getting her teeth cleaned is not an option. Her teeth are in pretty bad shape, and a cleaning will add to the quality of, and possibly the length of, her life.

So, freaking out and trying to not freak out. Trying to keep my head on straight. Trying to believe that things will work out for the good and not the bad. Trying to take everything one day at a time and stop looking at the big picture, because the big picture is overwhelming. Trying to remember to breathe. 

And trying to stop being a fortune teller when I have no way of telling the future. None of us know what’s going to happen tomorrow or next week or next year. I have GOT to stop worrying about those things I have no control over. I have to let it go and do the best I can with what I know and what I have.

A decision

The couple that came to meet Andrew really were wonderful. They have eight cats already and their cats are their babies. They go to great lengths to make their home a real cat haven. 

They decided that Andrew probably wouldn’t fit with their mix of kitties. He is a laid-back little guy, and their younger cats are high strung, independent and dominant, and they worried that he would get lost in the mix. I worried too.

They said it seems he already has found his forever home. That it was obvious that we had bonded, and that he and my other cats had bonded. They asked what was keeping me from adopting him. I told them that it just didn’t make sense for me financially right now, and with planning to go back to school at some point, and not knowing what’s going to happen in my job with more layoffs coming at work…

They offered to pay part of his adoption fee. I declined, but really appreciated the offer.

But I don’t think I can part with Andrew. I know it doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense at all to commit myself to another animal. I told my grandmother last night, and she said she just doesn’t understand how I can, with money as tight as it is right now.

I know. I know. I also know that it didn’t make sense when I adopted the dogs. I had no money. But I’m forever glad I did. I know it doesn’t make sense to add a third cat. That I’m making things harder on myself financially adding a third cat permanently. 

But I can’t let him go. That doesn’t make sense either. So, I’m going to suck it up and make the decision to keep Andrew and deal with the consequences of that decision as they arise. And I’m going to try to stop looking for trouble where there doesn’t have to exist any.