Guilt

I don’t know how I could have made a choice other than the one I made, given the circumstances.

Still, I chose to end Casey’s life.  In a matter of minutes, because that’s all I had.

Had I had much more money, were I wealthy, I would have likely made a different decision. I would have told the vet to do everything in her power to save my boy. To hell with the expense. This is my baby we’re talking about.

But I’m not wealthy. And money was a factor. And I HATE THAT. It makes me sick to think about.

What if I’d had health insurance for Casey? How might that have changed things?

This isn’t like my other babies. My other babies that I had no way of saving.

And perhaps the best efforts wouldn’t have saved Casey either. He may not have made it, regardless of how much money I was able to pay the vet to try to save him. The vet told me so. She said that we’d be discussing euthanasia regardless of money, because he was that sick.

But, oh, to have had a few thousand dollars in my account to spend. It may not have worked, but maybe it would have. Maybe he would still be here with me. He would be on medication for the rest of his life, and there would be no telling how long his life would have been, but maybe he would be here.

I didn’t want him to suffer. He was suffering, as anyone who has ever experienced struggling to breathe knows. I know how it feels to not be able to breathe. I saw him gasping for breath. He didn’t even look at me because he was freaking out from not being able to breathe.

I hope I made the right decision. The vet said she thought it was a good decision. But it was the hardest decision I’ve made so far in my life. The hardest. The decision to let my little boy go.

I try to do good by my animals. I try to give them good lives with good food and good care. But sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to have any of them, because I can’t give them everything I wish I could. I can’t give them the best food and the best care. I can’t give my girls a yard to run in. I can’t give my boys lots of room to run and things to climb. I know they could have better lives than the lives they have, and it hurts to know that I can’t give it to them.

My heart is breaking, again. I love Puddin’, Penny, Neville and Andrew so much, loved Casey so much, loved Pip, Piper, Bella, Xander and Felix so much. I feel I fail them all every single day. I want them to have better.

But I don’t know that anyone could love them as much as I do. I just really wish I could give them more of what they need and more to make their lives richer.

My Casey

My Casey

Originally uploaded by KelliAmanda

My Casey-boo died yesterday morning. My little mustache-man, and Neville’s best buddy, is gone.

I never thought I’d lose another kitty so soon after losing my five furbabies in the fire. I never thought I’d have to make the decision to euthanize a cat that was not quite 1.5 years old.

I went to a wedding Saturday night and came home around 11 p.m. to find Casey breathing more heavily than normal. I suspected he had eaten something he wasn’t supposed to, that maybe he was constipated or something like that. I thought he would be okay. I didn’t suspect an emergency.

I went to bed and woke up around 4 a.m. to him panting and moving from spot to spot in the apartment. He couldn’t settle. I called the Emergency Vet (thank goodness I live somewhere that has an Emergency Vet) and made the decision to take him in. We got there around 5 a.m.

By the time we got there, his breathing was very labored and crackly sounding. They took him on back and the vet came out and said he had developed congestive heart failure. His lungs were filled with fluid. She had put him in an oxygen cage and given him a sedative and a diuretic to try to pull the fluid out of his lungs, but he wasn’t doing well at all and she was honest with me that he likely wouldn’t live that long. She said that he likely had a heart defect, given his developing congestive heart failure at such a young age.

She said they could try this and this and this, but that it wasn’t likely to work and would cost anywhere from $800 – $2000 (for the next 48 hours of his time at the Emergency Vet). She took me back to see him, and he was gasping for air. Casey-boo was so pitiful, and I didn’t see that I had another choice but to let the vet euthanize him at that point. She was supportive of my decision to let him go and said she thought it was a good decision.

I didn’t even get the vet’s name. She was very compassionate, though.

I opted to have Casey cremated and will get his ashes later this week or early next week. That was one thing I knew I wanted, as I didn’t have anything from my other furkids.

Casey, my sweet boy, my too-soos, my little freckle foot, you will always be missed. You have Pip, Piper, Bella, Xander and Felix to keep you company in kitty heaven.

I just can’t believe he’s gone. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.