First goal

I lost 3 lbs this week, so I reached my first WW goal. I’m up to a total of 14 lbs. Next goal – 10%.

Didn’t expect to lose 3 lbs in a week, especially this week, but I’m not givin’ it back, you know?

Funny part was that when I entered in this week’s weigh-in on the WW etools weight tracker page, it told me that, while they were sure I was excited about losing weight, I was losing faster than I should, and I should work to slow down my weight loss.

I don’t know how to slow down my weight loss, especially considering I had no expectations that I would lose as much as I did this week.

I’m sure my weight loss will slow itself down eventually. Probably sooner rather than later. Perhaps I will ignore their advice and just keep doing what I’m doing.

So sad…

Jani’s at the mercy of her mind – a story about a 6-year-old girl with schizophrenia. I can’t imagine what it must be like for her and her parents, but my heart goes out to their family.

Better

I’m feeling much better than I was recently, despite some things that have caused me stress. I’m not letting it get to me any more, at least not at the moment. I was reminded of why I need my meds and why I will probably always need my meds. I can’t afford to slip into the abyss, and that’s what happens when I try to go off my meds.

So, on with the meds it is.

Today is the first day of classes at Carolina. I’m taking Statistics, about which I am not thrilled and more than a little anxious, and my class is at 3:30 in the afternoon. I wish it was in the morning or midday, but I tried to get the best instructor I could get, and hopefully I made the right choice. It’s not going to be an easy class for me I know, so getting a teacher I could understand and who was approachable was of the utmost importance.

Lost another 2.2 lbs at WW this week – up to 11 lbs total so far. I’m hoping for 2 lbs at least this week, because that will put me at my first goal. We shall see. I’m still walking to work most days, so I’m sure that helps, and it’s getting so I kind of look forward to the walk. I especially like Tuesdays and Wednesdays, when I can listen to the podcasts of Car Talk and Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me. (I download the podcasts from the weekend on Monday, so don’t listen to them until Tuesday and Wednesday). I’ve also been listening to The Story and This American Life, and occasionally Science Friday, but I’d like to find something else to listen to as well, so that I don’t get bored.

Lots of folks walking and biking this morning, with it being the first day of classes. A busy fall is ahead.

Sometimes

The hazard of being only somewhat anonymous when blogging is that sometimes you can’t be honest in what you write, lest it come back to bite you in the ass. If you’re reading this, it likely has nothing to do with you, but there is always the slim chance that someone I don’t want reading could stumble across my blog and read things that could make my life more difficult. So, better not to write such things, you know?

Suffice it to say, I’m living for my therapy appointment this week. And things are not getting any easier for me at the moment. And I suppose that’s all I should say about that.

Classes start next week. I’m not ready.

Lost 3.4 lbs on my second week of WW. Trying to not blow it this week, but wanting to eat for comfort as much as anything. Trying to “sit with my feelings” as my therapist recommended, but that’s not easy to do when those feelings aren’t happy ones.

Enough.

5.4 lbs

Weight loss – week 1 on Weight Watchers.

Bad mood

I am in a really bad mood today. This whole week, actually. I’m tired (exhausted) and frustrated and feel like crying much of the time. I’m afraid I’m going to bite someone’s head off if they say the wrong thing to me.

I was doing so well for so long and I can’t figure out what’s triggered this mood shift. The worst part is that I get angry with myself for feeling bad and not being able to just snap out of it.

My therapist says that I need to cut myself a break and not get upset with myself over feeling bad – that only makes things worse. I know she’s right, but not sure I can do it.

Anxiety level: high

Not sure what’s going on, but my anxiety level is, um, a little elevated at the moment. It feels like the “fight or flight” response – heart pounding, on edge, shaky, freaking out. I’m trying to not let it take over, but I can’t say I’m doing a very good job.

This morning I actually felt pretty good. Upbeat and in control. Right now … not so much. Not that I’m out of control, because, well, I’m sitting here typing, aren’t I? But all this worry is running through my head. Racing. And I have this feeling of doom that has settled on me once again.

Wish I had therapy tonight so I could discuss it while I was in the midst of feeling this way. Naturally, tomorrow night when I do have therapy, I’ll probably feel fine.

Trying to figure it all out

I’m freaking out about this whole nursing school-career change thing…about everything I have to do by the application deadlines… about taking a class this fall…about the GRE…about the fact that I don’t think I have a snowball’s chance of getting into the programs I’m applying for…about how on earth I’m going to pay for going back to school full time if I do get accepted…

I’m applying to Duke and UNC, and possibly NC Central (I *think* they have an accelerated program), and I may try to figure out what else I would need to take for the program at UNC-Wilmington. UNCW doesn’t have an accelerated program, but I believe I have almost all of the prereqs I would need for their BSN program and it would only take me two years once I entered the program. I’m taking statistics this fall (re-taking statistics – I took it my freshman year of college but didn’t do as well as I needed to), and planning to take sociology in the spring, which I need for Duke or UNCW. If I’m understanding UNCW’s requirements, I would still need a general chemistry, but everything else I’ve taken should transfer. I would also need to go ahead and become a CNA before admission to their program.

I don’t really want to move, but I have family in Wilmington, so it might make the most sense financially. I don’t know.

I can’t breathe when I think about the prospect of paying for going back to school full time. The Duke program is the one I really want to go to, but it’s so. freaking. expensive. And I already have a lot of debt. Not sure I would qualify for the loans I would need to pay for that program. The UNC program is good and less expensive, being a public university and all, but, from everything I’ve read, it’s harder to get in, probably because it’s good and less expensive than Duke. NC Central’s program was suffering recently, with low NCLEX pass rates, but my understanding is that things are improving. I don’t know for sure, though.

And I just don’t know if I’m making the right decision. I’ve been interested in healthcare for a long time now, but is nursing the right choice for me?

All I know is that I can’t sit behind a desk for the rest of my life.

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I joined Weight Watchers this past weekend. I’ve had some success on the program in the past, and I feel like I’ve (a) got to do something to lose some weight and (b) can’t do it on my own. I’ve been walking to work most mornings – 2 miles – which helps, but I’ve got to get my eating under control as well. The scary part for me is that both times I’ve done WW, I’ve ended up in a major depression. The first time I ended up in an intensive outpatient program and the second time I spent a week in the hospital. I don’t know that there’s any cause and effect there, but there’s a correlation.

I’ve been pretty stable for a while now, though, and started exercising before I started WW, so I’m hopeful that the depression won’t rear it’s ugly head again. I’m also trying to pinpoint, through my therapy, what about weight loss might make me depressed. I think I have some ideas, so I’m hoping that I can use that to head off any slips in my mood. I guess time will tell.