Trying to not freak the f*&% out.

Anxiety level is through the roof again. I’m trying hard to not freak out about every. single. thing. but I’m, um, having a hard time not freaking out. I wish I could blog truly anonymously right now, but even though almost no one reads my blog, it would be just my luck that I’d write the wrong thing and the wrong person would read it, and, well…

I’m limiting my news exposure because the news is all bad. It’s really really depressing. I’m focusing on my furbabies, and they are keeping me going right now. I’m terrified of getting laid off and have no earthly idea how I will deal if I do. The financial situation at work seems to be getting worse. I want to go back to school, but can’t right now. I’m afraid I will have to move at the end of May, and I don’t know where I’m going to go or how the hell I’m going to pay for it. I need to have Puddin’s teeth cleaned, and it’s high on my priority list, even if some people think it shouldn’t be.  It’s going to be expensive, but I had Penny’s teeth cleaned last year and Puddin’s cleaning is long overdue. I had to have my car serviced, to the tune of $515, and Pud’s cleaning is next up on the list of things I have to do. I know it probably makes more sense financially to hold onto whatever money I’ve got coming in, but I also am committed to taking care of my babies the best I can, and at this point, not getting her teeth cleaned is not an option. Her teeth are in pretty bad shape, and a cleaning will add to the quality of, and possibly the length of, her life.

So, freaking out and trying to not freak out. Trying to keep my head on straight. Trying to believe that things will work out for the good and not the bad. Trying to take everything one day at a time and stop looking at the big picture, because the big picture is overwhelming. Trying to remember to breathe. 

And trying to stop being a fortune teller when I have no way of telling the future. None of us know what’s going to happen tomorrow or next week or next year. I have GOT to stop worrying about those things I have no control over. I have to let it go and do the best I can with what I know and what I have.

End of the weekend.

Accomplished pretty much nothing at all today. Between having a headache all day and my back preventing me from doing the most basic of tasks, if such tasks require bending over even a little bit, today was just a wash out.

Which, frankly, was not what I needed.

Essie didn’t eat much of anything today. I debated taking her out of quarantine, as she still doesn’t seem sick and I’m thinking her problem is likely stress/loneliness/boredom/depression? But, as her blood work results are supposed to be in tomorrow, I figured I would hold off until I know for sure she’s not sick.

If her blood work comes back good, I’ll take her out of quarantine tomorrow. Poor baby. I did get her to eat a little bit of boiled chicken tonight, but she didn’t even touch the prescription a/d cat food the vet sent home nor did she taste the chicken baby food last night.

She also hasn’t touched the dry food AT ALL nor has she pooped even once since I’ve had her home. But her belly isn’t distended and the vet didn’t think she had an intestinal blockage. When she tried to get a fecal sample, there was nothing to sample.

I may have to get her some subcutaneous fluids tomorrow if she still doesn’t eat. I’ll give her some more boiled chicken in the morning, if she’ll take it, and try her on some more a/d cat food, which she liked at first. Sigh.

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Anyway, tomorrow is day two of Research Fair for our grad students. We have a fair-sized class this year, and they seem like a good bunch for the most part. I need to get up early tomorrow and get to work, um, on time? so I’m heading to bed soon. Hopefully, despite my headache, I’ll be able to sleep.

Hopefully I won’t have to deal with the asshole neighbors again tonight. Things are, for now, fairly quiet.

Classes begin Tuesday morning and my CHEM 101 prof is, let’s just say, enthusiastic. Very enthusiastic. The class is going to be a lot of work, and sometime between now and Tuesday morning at 8 a.m. (ha!) I’ve got to find time to read Chapter 1 in my text and review the stuff he’s putting online tomorrow morning.

Of course, I’ll probably be working late tomorrow because of Research Fair. And I have to attempt to get adequate sleep so that I can focus in class Tuesday morning.

What the hell am I thinking doing this? Trying to remind myself of what my therapist said – it would be harder to not try. Harder to give up than to give it my all.

I surely hope she’s right, and that it will all be worth it in the end. Guess I’ll know sooner rather than later.

Yawn. And stuff.

Almost 11 p.m.

I should have been in bed and asleep an hour ago, at least! After not sleeping well again last night.

Taking the kittehs to a Petsmart adoption event tomorrow. Hopefully they’ll be successful with finding new homes. I’m ready for them to go – especially Wink, as I’m growing more and more attached to her! She follows me around the apartment, sleeps right beside me, and, of course, still loves her Neville.

Not to mention that she’s about as cute as she could be. She’s becoming a beautiful cat. Still petite and dainty, but definitely growing now. She’s a sweetie-pie. (And speak of the Wink…she just got up in the chair beside me and is watching me blog about her.

But – I can’t keep her. I can’t can’t can’t. Nope. Can’t have so many pets. Wouldn’t be able to rescue anymore if I kept her. So, I can’t keep her.

Not feeling so attached to Casey. He’s still pretty standoffish and skittish, and I’m a little worried about how he’ll do tomorrow at the event. I’m pretty ready for him to go, but he’ll probably take longer to rehome, because he’s not so cuddly.

I want to get him a spot in the adoption center at either Petsmart or Petco so he can get more accustomed to contact from different people and, hopefully, get over being so skittish. I don’t think getting a spot will be difficult, but I don’t know how much it will help.

Anyway…

—————

Still past time to go to bed. Yet, here I sit.

My grandmother was supposed to be moved to a rehab facility today for further recovery from her knee replacement surgery. I spoke with her last night and she sounded a bit better, but still drugged up from painkillers. I know she needs the painkillers, but it’s upsetting to hear how out of it and forgetful she is when she’s taking them. I’ll be glad when they can cut back on her dose. I know she will.

Told her to tell someone to let me know the phone number at the rehab place, but, of course, I haven’t heard a word. She may not have remembered to tell anyone, but I would think my great aunts or my uncle would call me. Ah well…I call someone tomorrow and find out.

—————–

So tired.

I’m doing okay these days, except for being so damned tired all the time. I wish I was sleeping better, but I’m just not. I wish the CPAP thing would get worked out, but it hasn’t. I wish I didn’t have to fight with insurance over everything. I actually got an “explanation of benefits” from Blue Cross Blue Shield for one of the sleep studies, and they were billed for $4,500. Yes, four thousand, five hundred dollars. Guess how much they said (as of now) they’re reimbursing? $172.26.

I’m not kidding. That would be one HUNDRED seventy two and some change. Less than two hundred dollars for a $4,500 bill.

Mind you, I have the PPO PLUS plan. The highest coverage they offer. I could have opted for the standard plan, which is completely covered by my employer, but I pay some out-of-pocket premium to get more coverage, as I’ve had a lot of medical expenses in the past few years.

Guess what? It’s not benefiting me. AT ALL. My therapist and psychiatrist are out-of-network, so they only cover them at a small percentage of the contracted amount (the amount they think my therapist and psychiatrist should charge). The benefits booklet is entirely misleading, as it says I am responsible for 30%. The reality is that they will cover 70% of what they think should be charged, and I am responsible for the rest. In the case of my therapist, whose session rate is $120 (she’s a Ph.D.), they think she should only be paid about $75 a session, and they will only cover 70% of that, or about $52. Of a $120 bill. Needless to say, I’m losing money.

They want me to switch therapists. She was covered under the other insurance policy, though, when we had an indemnity plan. That was one reason I chose her. But it hurts her financially to be in the BCBS PPO network, and I don’t blame her for not doing it. It’s pretty much impossible for anyone who is in a private practice or small practice to be a member of a PPO, if they want to make enough money to stay afloat.

So, I work for the state of North Carolina, which used to have pretty good benefits, if sucky salaries, and now we have sucky salaries and sucky benefits. The mental health benefits suffered more than most areas, which isn’t unexpected, but it is so frustrating. The humorous part is that my general practitioner, who is one of only two docs I see who are in network (the other being my gynecologist), won’t manage my psych meds. Because they are too complex. But when I tried to find an in-network pdoc to manage them, I found a woman who just wanted to do therapy and wasn’t very knowledgeable about the meds.

So, I’m still working with my old psychiatrist. But it’s getting frustrating.

I have an appointment soon with a doc he used to be in practice with, another “neuropsychiatrist” and, believe it or not, he’s in the network…supposedly. Guess I’ll find out week after next.

—————

Okay…almost 11:30 p.m., and I’m still sitting. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m so exhausted, but don’t want to go to bed. I’m going to regret it in the morning. But I have to get up and get ready for the event. I need to clean house and do laundry and wash dishes. I need to drop of my rent payment and pay bills online and try to figure out my finances, which aren’t looking so good these days. I want to do some sewing this weekend, and maybe some crocheting, and I’d like to finish the second Narnia book, which isn’t much of a challenge, as the books aren’t very thick and aren’t heavy reading, but it’s a matter of sitting still long enough to read, focus on reading, and stay awake while reading. Dammit.

News is going off. I need to hit the sack. ‘Nite.

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Onday-may.

Weekend sucked, mostly. Didn’t get as much done as I needed to, mostly because I had a headache ALL. FREAKING. WEEKEND. And cramping. Oh my god, the cramping. Bad enough that it woke me up at night. It’s not a constant pain, though – it comes in waves. But when it does come, it feels like I’m being stabbed in the lower left area of my abdomen.

Have a second foster kitty. Casey (as in , “at the Bat,” as he was rescued from a colony near the Durham Bulls Athletic Park in Durham). Not nearly as socialized as foster kitty number one, Periwinkle (Wink!!!), who is a sweetie pie. Casey’s a bit bigger than Wink and is a tuxedo kitty with a solid black face and a white mustache. He’s a scared little man. He hisses at me still, since bringing him home Saturday, but this morning I was able to pick him up without throwing a towel over him first. Once you’re holding him, he’s fine. Purrs and cuddles, but just not sure about hoomans yet. He’s beautiful though.

Wink’s not so sure about him either. She hisses back, which is pretty cute since she’s a wittle bitty kitty. They’re sharing a room today, and hopefully there won’t be any missing fur between them when I get home.

Wink *****loves***** Neville, by the way. Loves loves loves him. Was grooming him this weekend. Curls up against his belly to sleep. Follows him everywhere. She’s making things difficult for me!!!

Crazy week at work this week. Hoping I will be able to accomplish all that I need to accomplish. Sigh.

Redundant.

Seven thirty-four. P.M. I’m watching One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Never actually seen it. It’s pretty good, if disturbing. Gotta love mental institutions.

That Nurse Ratched is something else. Louise Fletcher played a damn good role. Guess that’s why she won an Academy Award.

………………

Woke up at about 9:30 this morning to take the dogs out. Went back to bed, and woke up at 12:30 or so when someone was knocking on my door. Stupid fucking property owner. Said, “I’m sorry – I hope I didn’t wake you.” I told him that yes, he did, that I hadn’t slept the night before at all. Then he asked if he could come in with the cabinet maker for about five minutes to measure the walls in the kitchen. The walls that they have measured about 10,000 times at this point. I told him that I would prefer he didn’t. He said, “It will only take a couple of minutes. He’s come all the way from Durham.”

I told him to go ahead. Whatever. I know I shouldn’t have. I should have told him that I didn’t care if the guy had come from New York.

I have no balls. And, frankly, I’m okay with that in a way because it would make me a real asshole.

I am going to write an official letter to the property management company – the people I signed a lease with – complaining about the events of the past few weeks. This shit is ridiculous.

……………….

To top it all off, I’ve been having some severe abdominal cramping. I don’t know if it’s intestinal or ovarian/uterine. It’s the same pain, in the same location, as the one I had in fall 2006, when I got my IUD. The pain eventually went away, but it’s been back for a couple of days now. We never did figure out what the cause was at that time – it just eventually subsided.

The pain is sharp and it waxes and wanes. When it’s at its worst, there’s a spot in the lower left part of my abdomen that feels like I’m being stabbed with something sharp. I’ve wondered if it was merely gas, but nothing I do seems to make it subside, it just goes away on its own after a while. Sometimes I lay down on my stomach with pillows under my pelvis, and that helps some – the pressure helps some. The pain is always in the very lowest part of my abdomen, though. Sometimes it’s on both sides. Sometimes it’s in the middle, like uterine cramping. Sometimes it’s just that sharp pain on the left. If it were on the right, I’d worry that it was my appendix. But it’s not on the right. And I’ve had a CT scan of my abdomen, so I know that my organs aren’t backwards, like my great-grandmother’s were! She had appendicitis that almost killed her because it was on the wrong side, so they didn’t think that was what it was.

Yes, I’m feeling very much wordy today. Not concise in the least.

The Indian man just killed Jack Nicholson. Not that Jack Nicholson wasn’t already brain dead anyway – they gave him a lobotomy for stirring up trouble in the nuthouse. The Indian man did him a favor, really.

………………..

I’ve wondered if I had IBS, or ulcerative colitis, or if it’s reproductive stuff. I don’t know. Guess I’ll call my GYN on Monday and start there, if the pain doesn’t magically disappear again. Even if it does, I need to make an appointment for a pelvic exam with her, and I’ll ask about a referral to a gastroenterologist. I am so squeamish about such things – much more comfortable with my reproductive organs than with my intestines! But, putting it off when I’ve been dealing with pain off and on for several years is probably not a good thing to do.

Hopefully I won’t lose my job from missing so much work. I’ll go on Monday for sure, but if Dr. F can fit me in, and I’m still hurting, I’m going to the appointment. What other option do I have?

………………..

I’ll be so glad once I’m moved. Hopefully that will be the end of random people wanting unannounced access to my apartment.

Ah – one of my favorite and most disturbing movies is coming on now. The Silence of the Lambs. Loved the book too. Scared the shit out of me.

Decided to take the rest of the week off

Figured I could use the rest. Frankly, I still don’t feel all that hot, physically or emotionally.

Heard from my doc today. I have strep. Seriously. She’s called me in some antibiotics. I need to go pick them up in a bit. I suspect I’ve had it all along and the first round of antibiotics didn’t get rid of it.

Still battling headaches, nausea, dizziness, but it is subsiding a bit (sort of). Was awake more today than I have been the rest of the week.

Going to try to get my stuff together this weekend for moving. Possibly moving next week. I’ve decided I *really* don’t care so much for the guy who owns these buildings. Came knocking on my door this afternoon asking if he could come in with one of his workers and take ANOTHER look at the kitchen. I told him yeah, but that it was really messy. So, he and this other guy come in and talk about all the stuff they’ve already talked about regarding the renovations they’re going to be doing to my current apartment once I’ve moved out.

And, I had a police officer knock on my door this morning to ask if I knew the owner of a seemingly abandoned car in our parking area. Apparently it’s listed as belonging to someone at this address, but she doesn’t live here anymore. She’s a Hispanic female, and when I answered the door, the cop says, “you’re not the person I’m looking for…” I was like, “Thank God for that.”

But saw the building owner later and he asks me the same thing. Asks if I own the car that’s supposedly been abandoned. I told him no, and pointed out my car. Told him about the cop coming by. He said, “So, you’re innocent.” I told him I usually am.

On a side note – when he and the other guy came in my apartment this afternoon, I had to physically restrain Puddin’ & Penny – they were both growling at them and the hair on their backs raised up. Guess they aren’t any more fond of him than I am.

Redundancy

Nothing nothing nothing.

Got my hopes up a bit when I got home tonight and one of the duplexes on my street had a “for rent” sign out front. Alas, no go. Not available until August, and $850/month, which, frankly, is ridiculous.

Emailed my shrink about being jittery and my mood continuing to head south. My hands are shaking so much, it’s hard to type. I keep making mistakes. Teeth are chattering too. It might be the Focalin, but I take it in the morning, and my tremor seems worse in the evening. I dunno.

So sleepy.

Work continues to be frustrating. Won’t say any more about that, as I don’t know who might come across it.

I want to go back to school. Not that I could focus right now.

Still nothing…

Talked to one landlady today – she said she “couldn’t work with that many animals.” I swear, I know that saying I have two dogs and a cat sounds like a lot, but, um, they are small dogs, and all three of my babies sleep in the bed with me every night. They aren’t a lot.

Ah well, I wasn’t excited about that place anyway.

Looked at another place tonight that would allow the pets, and it was soooo nice inside. Location is so-so, right off of S. Greensboro, so very close to Weaver Street/Carr Mill/Open Eye Cafe, but down the hill a bit, which I didn’t like. Also, not much yard (not really any yard…). But, wow, the inside – the guy who’s been renovating them has done a fantastic job. All new appliances, including washer and dryer, two bedrooms, hardwood floors that are real wood and that have just been refinished. Tile in the kitchen and bathroom. New HVAC system.

I hate to say it, but I’d almost be afraid to live there for fear of messing up those gorgeous floors. Sure, they look a little nicer than laminate, but man oh man is laminate ever easier to take care of…

Anyway, I’m pondering whether or not to fill out the application. I guess I will, but there’s a few people who’ve applied in front of me, so I’m not holding my breath. He only has two openings right now – some of the places are still being renovated.

Finally, I’m supposed to go see a place further down N. Greensboro St. from where I am. Pros – same landlord as I have now, so could probably just transfer my deposit. Nice sized yard. Two bedrooms, newish appliances, washer & dryer. Pets are OK. Still close to everything, even though a little further down the road than where I am now. Cons – downstairs part of a duplex, so I’d be living under someone. Probably not as many windows due to be downstairs. Maybe Pro, Maybe Con – utilities are included in the rent. Might benefit me in the winter, but probably not in the summer. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about keeping the thermostat set really low in the winter and freezing, unless they control it. Which would suck big time…

Weighed the pros and cons of moving to Wilmington with my therapist today, and decided that it doesn’t make sense financially because, even though I’d be getting rid of a traditional rent payment, I’d have to pay for health insurance, which, unfortunately, might end up costing me almost as much as rent. Not to mention that I’d have to pay tuition at UNCW. So, I’d need to be making almost as much as I’m making now for it work, and that’s highly unlikely.

So much stress. I need a second job, I think, at least for the summer. I don’t want to have to work on the weekend of June 14, though, because that’s my grandmother’s 80th birthday and I want to go to Wilmington. And once the summer is over, I’ll be tied down with work and classes, so no real time for a second job. But if I could make some extra money for the next couple of months, it would help. A bit, anyway.