Guilt

I don’t know how I could have made a choice other than the one I made, given the circumstances.

Still, I chose to end Casey’s life.  In a matter of minutes, because that’s all I had.

Had I had much more money, were I wealthy, I would have likely made a different decision. I would have told the vet to do everything in her power to save my boy. To hell with the expense. This is my baby we’re talking about.

But I’m not wealthy. And money was a factor. And I HATE THAT. It makes me sick to think about.

What if I’d had health insurance for Casey? How might that have changed things?

This isn’t like my other babies. My other babies that I had no way of saving.

And perhaps the best efforts wouldn’t have saved Casey either. He may not have made it, regardless of how much money I was able to pay the vet to try to save him. The vet told me so. She said that we’d be discussing euthanasia regardless of money, because he was that sick.

But, oh, to have had a few thousand dollars in my account to spend. It may not have worked, but maybe it would have. Maybe he would still be here with me. He would be on medication for the rest of his life, and there would be no telling how long his life would have been, but maybe he would be here.

I didn’t want him to suffer. He was suffering, as anyone who has ever experienced struggling to breathe knows. I know how it feels to not be able to breathe. I saw him gasping for breath. He didn’t even look at me because he was freaking out from not being able to breathe.

I hope I made the right decision. The vet said she thought it was a good decision. But it was the hardest decision I’ve made so far in my life. The hardest. The decision to let my little boy go.

I try to do good by my animals. I try to give them good lives with good food and good care. But sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to have any of them, because I can’t give them everything I wish I could. I can’t give them the best food and the best care. I can’t give my girls a yard to run in. I can’t give my boys lots of room to run and things to climb. I know they could have better lives than the lives they have, and it hurts to know that I can’t give it to them.

My heart is breaking, again. I love Puddin’, Penny, Neville and Andrew so much, loved Casey so much, loved Pip, Piper, Bella, Xander and Felix so much. I feel I fail them all every single day. I want them to have better.

But I don’t know that anyone could love them as much as I do. I just really wish I could give them more of what they need and more to make their lives richer.

Trying to not freak the f*&% out.

Anxiety level is through the roof again. I’m trying hard to not freak out about every. single. thing. but I’m, um, having a hard time not freaking out. I wish I could blog truly anonymously right now, but even though almost no one reads my blog, it would be just my luck that I’d write the wrong thing and the wrong person would read it, and, well…

I’m limiting my news exposure because the news is all bad. It’s really really depressing. I’m focusing on my furbabies, and they are keeping me going right now. I’m terrified of getting laid off and have no earthly idea how I will deal if I do. The financial situation at work seems to be getting worse. I want to go back to school, but can’t right now. I’m afraid I will have to move at the end of May, and I don’t know where I’m going to go or how the hell I’m going to pay for it. I need to have Puddin’s teeth cleaned, and it’s high on my priority list, even if some people think it shouldn’t be.  It’s going to be expensive, but I had Penny’s teeth cleaned last year and Puddin’s cleaning is long overdue. I had to have my car serviced, to the tune of $515, and Pud’s cleaning is next up on the list of things I have to do. I know it probably makes more sense financially to hold onto whatever money I’ve got coming in, but I also am committed to taking care of my babies the best I can, and at this point, not getting her teeth cleaned is not an option. Her teeth are in pretty bad shape, and a cleaning will add to the quality of, and possibly the length of, her life.

So, freaking out and trying to not freak out. Trying to keep my head on straight. Trying to believe that things will work out for the good and not the bad. Trying to take everything one day at a time and stop looking at the big picture, because the big picture is overwhelming. Trying to remember to breathe. 

And trying to stop being a fortune teller when I have no way of telling the future. None of us know what’s going to happen tomorrow or next week or next year. I have GOT to stop worrying about those things I have no control over. I have to let it go and do the best I can with what I know and what I have.

Andrew.

So, there’s a possible home for my Andrew. The application that came in wasn’t for him, but the people are interested in adopting two cats and apparently have a fondness for medium – long haired cats, of which Andrew is one.

And I don’t know what to do. The whole thing makes me sick. The thought of letting my Andrew go…

It may be a moot point, as they might choose one of the other kitties over Andrew anyway. They haven’t met him and might fall for one of the others.

What if I make the wrong decision? These people sound like good people. I don’t doubt that Andrew would be well cared for. Their previous kitties lived to be 20 and 17 years old. The husband works out of the home. The wife’s a teacher. They’re cat people.

And I have my other babies to think of. My Neville, who’s very much a lap cat when I let him be. And Casey, who’s sitting on the back of my chair right now (Andrew’s cuddled with Neville on the dog bed on the floor). And, of course, Puddin’ and Penny, my baby girls who are aging and will likely be needing more care sooner rather than later.

I feel so torn. My heart aches. I’m terrified that giving him up will be the wrong decision. That I will miss him more than I can bear. Yes, the pain would ease with time and I know that, but I gave up a dog I rescued years ago and I have never “gotten over it.” I have always regretted giving that dog up, at least giving him to the people I gave him to.

I’m afraid to say, “Sure, they can meet Andrew,” because then, if they fall in love with him, I won’t be able to say, “Sorry, I’ve changed my mind.” That’s not fair to those people at all. Right now they haven’t met him, so it’s not a big deal to them should I decide to adopt him myself.

Financially – on the one hand, one more cat isn’t that big of a deal, especially when he’s young. On the other hand, it doesn’t make much sense for me to adopt a third cat. Of course, it didn’t make any sense at all when I adopted Puddin’ and Penny – my bank account was pretty empty when I paid their adoption fees. With Neville and Casey, it wasn’t such a big deal. Right now, not knowing if I’m going to have a job or not, well, it doesn’t make sense for me to have any animals at all, does it?

I’m not good at weighing the options. It’s a matter of my heart versus my head, emotion versus logic.

I don’t know what to do. I really really don’t know what to do.

The MOST ridiculous thing I’ve heard of in a long time…

And that is saying something.

Check this out:

Booger the pit bull is back! All five of him…

Tue Aug 5, 6:36 AM ET

SEOUL (Reuters) – The loss of Booger the pit bull terrier was almost more than Bernann McKinney could bear.

Now she is happy, minus $50,000 and her house, and owner of five cloned Booger puppies.

…

She sold her house in the United States to raise the $50,000 for RNL scientists to turn skin cells taken from Booger before he died two years ago into embryos carried by two surrogate dogs for two months until giving birth to the puppies last week.

“I had to make sacrifices and I dream of the day, some day when everyone can afford to clone their pet because losing a pet is a terrible, terrible loss to anyone.”

Um…seriously?

Why would everyone WANT to clone their pet? Why would ANYONE want to clone their pet?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my animals. In fact, I know a number of people who think I am too over-the-top about my pets. I’d give quite a bit to have my kitties back. Not anything, but a lot. And I make a lot of personal sacrifices for my furry “children.”

But cloning your pet isn’t bringing your pet back to life. It’s producing a genetic replica of your pet.

If you happen to have identical twin pups and one of them dies, does the other one automatically fill the place of the first? Because considering they have identical genes, the twin should be able to replace the dead one, right? According to this woman’s logic, I mean.

Let’s add a sci-fi twist to the scenario (cause cloning isn’t sci-fi-esque enough!) – say you had two identical twin pups – genetically equal – and one of them was cryopreserved until the other one died. If you could thaw the identical twin and have a living pup, one that had originally shared a womb with the first pup – would you then have a perfect enough pup to fill the place of the first?

Of course not. Because having the same genes does not make one the same being. In fact, identical twins are more “alike” than clones would be, because identical twins, particularly if they grow up in the same household, have more similar experiences. It is as much our experiences as our genes that make us who we are.

I know that pups aren’t people, so experience probably doesn’t play as big a role in the personality outcome, but I also know that the personality of a dog isn’t as complex as the personality of a person, so experience likely plays a sufficient role in the shaping of the dog’s personality. No matter how identical the genes are, that other factor cannot be duplicated.

Not to mention that we don’t know enough about cloning and the long-term health of clones to know whether this woman has, in selling her house and paying $50,000 for these cloned pups, predisposed the poor creatures to some horrible condition that she isn’t even aware of yet.

And how, pray tell, is she going to feed the dogs, take them to the vet, etc. etc. etc., when she sold her house just to pay for them to be created?

Oh – and did she have extra embryos frozen, for when these pups die? Or is she expecting them to outlive her, so she doesn’t have to clone one of the clones? (If she clones a clone, what does that make the clone in relation to the original?)

Truly – I understand the missing of a deceased pet, better than a lot of people, unfortunately. I know what it’s like to lose a pet that you’ve had for years and years, and what it’s like to lose a pet you’ve only had a short while.

But, if it were between cloning my Pip, for instance, or rescuing another cat from a certain death at the local animal shelter, I’m sure that paying tribute to the Pipster would be better served by saving another life, rather than creating more lives, even if they were genetically identical to him. The clones wouldn’t be Pip, even if they looked like him. The clones might turn out better socialized (Some of my friends and family would be okay with that part) and probably wouldn’t drool on me when I cuddled them and try to “nurse” on my shirt, the way Pip did. So, what would be the point, except to have an animal that was mostly identical in appearance?

Pets are with us for too short a time. My Puddin’ and Penny are aging too quickly, and I don’t like to think about how I will deal with losing them, because I know it’s going to be one of the hardest things I will ever go through. But, even though I know they don’t know what cloning is, or about puppy mills and irresponsible breeding, or about the large numbers of dogs on “death row” at shelters throughout the US…I know that, if they did, they would be much happier for me to find another dog to love through animal rescue than to have “Puddin’ and Penny” clones created. I wish I could keep my girls alive for the rest of my life, and that we’d all be happy and healthy until we all died (at the exact same minute, when I’m 102), but that’s not reality. So, I will cherish them while they are here, and I will miss them terribly when they are gone, just as I do my Pip, Piper, Bella, Xander & Felix, and I will, at some point, have other wonderful dogs share my life, just like I am doing with my Neville now.

Really, if they understood, I don’t think Puddin’ and Penny would have it any other way.

Too busy.

I’m moved in to my new apartment, but not unpacked. No where near unpacked. Fortunately, my bff is coming for the weekend and has told me to not be surprised if she just unpacks everything. She said she’ll draw me a map so I can find my stuff. I say, hey – go for it.

Unfortunately, the TWC guy (ugh) is coming this evening to hook up my cable and internet. And I have to at least rearrange the stuff before he arrives so he can do his job. Sigh.

……………..

Went to Wilmington for my grandmother’s 80th birthday. It was good, but I did sleep too much. Went to church with my grandmother for the first time in a long time. All I could think was that the choir needed some soul. They sounded okay, as far as having the notes down and everything, but the soloist was stiff and apparently terrified of doing a solo, and they just…needed some soul. Yikes.

……………

My therapist is on vacation next week, so I won’t see her until the week after. She told me to call her if I needed her, though. I love my therapist.

…………..

I have my sleep study finally this Friday night. I’m terrified that I’ll sleep soundly and the study will reveal nothing – which is pretty much what happened last time. I’m crossing my fingers for a bad night, so they’ll get a real sense of what’s going on. I hope I don’t have sleep apnea, because I really don’t want to have to wear a CPAP mask, but, if I can get good solid rest with a CPAP, then, whatever, bring it on. I have woken up around 3 a.m. for the past few nights and can’t go back to sleep for about an hour. It sucks. Please oh please let that happen Friday night!!!

I dread having the glue in my hair. And having to wash it about 5 times when I get back home Saturday morning to try to get the glue out. In case you’re wondering, this is what it looks like when you’re all hooked up for your sleep study.

Also, in case you’re wondering, I will NOT be posting any pictures of myself with the wires. Nope.

…………….

I’ve filled out my application for readmission to the Part-time Classroom Studies credit program through the Friday Center at UNC. Got my tuition waiver form signed. Now to get the final paperwork over to the Friday Center and get my PIN so I can register. CHEM 101 again – and, dammit, I’m going to finish the class this time.

…………….

On a happy note, this is what happens when people take the time to make a difference in an animal’s life.

Another Vick pit bull success story

……………

On a sad note, one of my favorite bloggers passed away over the weekend. Maya’s Granny – I will miss you and your wisdom.

I just wanna SLEEEEEEP.

I think I got maybe 2 hours of sleep last night, and they weren’t very sound ones. From about 3:30 to 5:30 this morning, I don’t remember looking at the clock. At 5:30, I got up, took the dogs out, got dressed, and went to the “old” apartment to finish packing up my shit. I *almost* finished before having to go back to the “new” apartment to shower and go to my doctor’s appointment.

Saw my gynecologist today. I swear that woman is a speed demon when it comes to annual exams. I love her. Told her about the recurring pain in my lower left part of my abdomen, right where my left ovary is, and she said that it could be some scar tissue or some endometriosis, but that if it’s better than it was when I got my Mirena IUD a year and a half ago, I may decide it’s not worth pursuing unless it gets worse again.

My pain is much better than before I got my IUD, as I was hurting a lot back then. I did have some severe cramping last week, but that was the first time in a while. When she felt my left ovary, though, it hurt, and it’s still twinging. But nothing major.

Anyway, my gyn (who was my best friend’s gyn – thanks, S, for recommending her!!!), is a wonderful wonderful doc. Really cares, very thorough, as gentle as she can be, given what’s she’s gotta do. What more can you ask for?

…..

More to write later about this whole move thing, but I don’t have internet at home right now, and I’m just tired, so it’ll have to wait. Suffice it to say that I’ll be glad once I’m settled, and that my little dogs are freaked out a bit right now. I think they think I left them in someone else’s house, cause when I got home from my appointment today, I thought Puddin’ was going to wiggle herself into a fit, she was so excited. My sweet baby girl. I don’t think Neville’s all that concerned though. He was a little bothered that I didn’t feed him late last night, because I couldn’t remember where I’d put his food (I did give him a bit of my chicken), but he was good once I fed him this morning.

Decided to take the rest of the week off

Figured I could use the rest. Frankly, I still don’t feel all that hot, physically or emotionally.

Heard from my doc today. I have strep. Seriously. She’s called me in some antibiotics. I need to go pick them up in a bit. I suspect I’ve had it all along and the first round of antibiotics didn’t get rid of it.

Still battling headaches, nausea, dizziness, but it is subsiding a bit (sort of). Was awake more today than I have been the rest of the week.

Going to try to get my stuff together this weekend for moving. Possibly moving next week. I’ve decided I *really* don’t care so much for the guy who owns these buildings. Came knocking on my door this afternoon asking if he could come in with one of his workers and take ANOTHER look at the kitchen. I told him yeah, but that it was really messy. So, he and this other guy come in and talk about all the stuff they’ve already talked about regarding the renovations they’re going to be doing to my current apartment once I’ve moved out.

And, I had a police officer knock on my door this morning to ask if I knew the owner of a seemingly abandoned car in our parking area. Apparently it’s listed as belonging to someone at this address, but she doesn’t live here anymore. She’s a Hispanic female, and when I answered the door, the cop says, “you’re not the person I’m looking for…” I was like, “Thank God for that.”

But saw the building owner later and he asks me the same thing. Asks if I own the car that’s supposedly been abandoned. I told him no, and pointed out my car. Told him about the cop coming by. He said, “So, you’re innocent.” I told him I usually am.

On a side note – when he and the other guy came in my apartment this afternoon, I had to physically restrain Puddin’ & Penny – they were both growling at them and the hair on their backs raised up. Guess they aren’t any more fond of him than I am.

When it rains…

First things first. My Goddaughter’s adoption party was Sunday, and it was so very nice. The Peanut looked like a little princess and was on her best behavior. My BFF was stressed, but looked lovely and enjoyed things, for the most part, I think. It was nice to see how much love the Peanut’s extended permanent family has for her. I cried. Couldn’t help it. I can’t get over how much I love that little girl. She’s my heart, for sure.

……………..

That was the highlight of the past couple of weeks for me, because much of the rest of it has felt like life going to hell in a handbasket.

The rundown, in no particular order:

- Had a couple of undergrads from work help me out on Friday night with moving the heavier stuff from my current apartment to the new one in the next building over.

Then, while I’m in the process of packing on Saturday, the landlord stops by and has the owner of the property on the phone. He hands the phone to me, and the owner tells me that he’s decided to put central air in the units in the building I’m moving into. So, it would be good if I could stay put in my current apartment for another couple of weeks.

I called one of the guys from work to come over and help me move a couple of the things back – my bed and couch. Left the wooden furniture over there because, I figured, it could be covered up while the work in the apartment was going on, and should be okay…

- Didn’t have A/C in my current apartment and had called about getting it fixed. Didn’t happen. Thought I was moving, so didn’t worry too much about it. Found out I wasn’t moving so called again. They came out on Monday morning and fixed the A/C – took them all of 10 minutes.

- Woke up Sunday with a sore throat…again. Can’t seem to shake this bug, whatever it is. Had a headache all night Sunday night-Monday morning. Called the doc Monday morning to make an appointment. Saw her on Monday around noon and she ran a mono test, a CBC and a throat culture. Also put me on a different inhaled steroid (Flovent) and gave me an albuterol inhaler script because of an asthma-like episode I had on Friday night. Still don’t have the test results, though.

- Called the water people on Monday morning at 8 a.m. to make sure they didn’t turn off my water since I wasn’t moving out anyway. The woman acted like I had asked her to turn off the sun. Said she didn’t know if she would be able to get in touch with the connection/repair crews because they had already left. OWASA opened at 8 a.m. – I called at 8 a.m. They weren’t open on the weekend. The woman said that if the crew came out here, they would charge $45 for a connection fee (even if they hadn’t disconnected…).

Apparently she got in touch with the crew, cause I saw someone here, but she didn’t turn off my water. Considering that I’m sure the crew members have Nextel or the like, I never imagined it could have been that much of an issue.

- Got a hold of Duke Energy and Time Warner Cable to keep my services in the current apartment on. Not a problem, since both of them are open on the weekends.

- Home from work all this week because I have felt like crap. Nauseated, dizzy, headaches, etc. Slept all day Tuesday and all day today (Wednesday). Thought I was feeling better. Got up, took a shower, took the dogs out, only to discover…

- the property owner decided to shampoo the carpets in the apartment I’m moving into. The workers had moved my furniture outside, in the “yard” behind the apartment, without my knowing. My bedside table, with all the stuff that I bought to refinish it, was stolen. I asked the workers. They said they didn’t know that I owned the stuff. They were told to move it out. The bedside table was there, they said, when they went to lunch and gone when they came back. I told them they needed to move the furniture back into the apartment, and be careful with it. Called the property manager (landlord) office and complained. Talked to the owner and he said he had FORGOTTEN THAT I WAS MOVING IN. Ummm…okay…

Stuff has been moved back into the apartment, but my bedside table is gone.

- While I was walking the dogs and discovering the furniture behind the apartment, my Puddin’ decides to take a drink from a puddle on the ground. A puddle from where the workers had been painting something and washing things off – a puddle of water mixed with paint. $60 and a phone call to the ASPCA animal poison control hotline later, she’s okay, but I’m a mess. She vomited up a bunch of stuff, and the vet I spoke with said that it being water-based (I asked) and diluted was good, but apparently there is a small percentage of ethylene glycol (antifreeze) in a lot of paint, and it is sweet tasting and highly toxic. The vet had me feed her treats to soak up the stuff in her stomach. So, she is okay, but, for fuck’s sake, I’m a mess.

And I threw up when she threw up. Of course. Now I’m dizzy and nauseated again.

Why the fuck can’t things get easier?????????

Whine.

Feel free to skip this whiny post.

Throat still hurts. Doctor appointment this afternoon at 3. I like my doc – I hate her office. You have to jump through too many hoops to get an appointment. You have to call and leave a message for the nurse, wait for the nurse to call, explain your problem to the nurse, wait for the nurse to talk to the doc and call you back. And then (so far) the appointments are in the afternoon. So, if you’re sick, like I am, you still have to wait all day to go to the doctor.

Anyway, my right ear is aching too. I hope I don’t have strep, or maybe I hope that I do, because at least then there’s something she can do.

Started coughing last night. Can breathe fine, unlike last time I was sick, but my trachea hurts. The cough is not very “productive” and very hacking/barking. Not the worst I’ve ever had, but with my throat already being sore, it seems worse.

Worked all day yesterday for commencement. Tried to stay out of everyone’s faces! Had to be there to take pictures – I’m afraid they didn’t come out as good as I wished. Haven’t looked at them up close yet, though. I think the lens that I was using is messed up – I don’t think the autofocus is working very well. Hopefully, they’ll be okay as long as they’re not blown up. The flash gave a glare, so I was using a high ISO setting, which makes the pics grainy too, but at least the color was better. It’s a trade-off, really. My favorite (work) lens doesn’t zoom – it’s a 50mm – but it has a really fast shutter speed, so works well in low light. I needed a wider angle lens for the commencement pictures, though, but switched to the 50mm for the reception. Commencement was short this year, and not too many grads. Hopefully that will change in the future.

Still don’t know where I’m going to live come June. Have an appointment on Thursday to see an apartment in Chapel Hill. Sounds like a good deal, and the landlord sounds pretty thorough. Was upfront about the three pets (so many places are maximum of two pets…), and apparently he doesn’t have an issue with it. Of course, I’ll have to pay pet fees, again. Wonder how long it’ll take me to get my deposit back for where I’m living now. It shouldn’t be a problem, but, well, we’ll see.

Penny had her teeth cleaned on Friday. The vet said she had no evidence of periodontal disease, despite her age, amount of tartar, and being a small dog (small dogs are more prone to teeth problems). The vet that did her cleaning was not my normal vet, but I do love them. They are very thorough – x-rays, before and after pictures, lots of monitoring, etc. The vet techs are all certified (which is not required of vet techs), and they are soooo nice. When I went to pick Penny up, she was behind the front desk with the receptionist, just hanging out. They even trimmed her nails for me, and didn’t charge me for it. I just wish they weren’t all the way in Durham.

Once I file my taxes (hopefully soon!!!!!), I’ll schedule Pud for her cleaning. I chose Penny first because (a) she’s older and I was worried about the anesthesia, and (b) I thought perhaps Pud’s would be more expensive and I wasn’t sure I could afford it right now. I need to go ahead and file my taxes.

Merely firing him is too good for this guy.

This is just sick.

Trooper accused of kicking dog

Way to go, NC Highway Patrol K-9 units. You know, my great-uncle retired from the NC Highway Patrol, and I feel confident that the vast majority of Highway Patrol Officers are decent people who have a job that can be challenging and put them in harm’s way daily. I mean, certainly they are, right?

But the asshole who strung up and kicked his K-9 partner? Well, perhaps he should be strung up and kicked to get a taste of what it feels like.

And if this is, as the officer stated, the status quo in the treatment of police dogs, then clearly we need to do away with the practice of having police dogs. Why on earth should a dog who has no choice in the matter be called on to make an officer’s job easier or safer or more effective, only to be abused? And why on earth would a dog who was abused like that be inclined to follow the instructions of its handler? Seriously?

I had heard the story, but this was the first time I saw the video. It makes me sick. And even if you don’t give a damn about what that dog went through, many people who have commented about this case are pointing out — would you want someone who treats their K9 partner like that pulling you over late at night on an abandoned stretch of highway?