Creative burst

I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’m feeling more creative and (gasp) energetic lately. Well, energetic in the evenings anyway – still can hardly get out of bed in the mornings.

Okay, perhaps energetic isn’t the right word. Awake…yes, awake is the right word. I’m awake during the day and in the evenings. Which, for me, is a change.

Anyway, I’ve actually started crocheting again. Working on Christmas presents right now, but want to do some Christmas ornaments as well. So many ideas, so little time. Also working on some fundraising ideas for Independent Animal Rescue, though it’s looking likely that we’ll get the $10,000 prize in the America’s Favorite Shelter contest. $10,000 will save about 100 cats and dogs, but the contest also generated interest from potential foster homes, so we may be growing some more as well!

Back to the creativity thing, though – I’m actually doing some graphic design at work that I like. This is rare for me. Often others will like my designs but I will hate them. This either means that I’m getting better, or I’m getting less judgmental of my design.

Sorry to jump all over the place with this post (do I always do this? goodness.) but just trying to get my ideas out there.

I’ve started crocheting a “prayer shawl” for my paternal grandmother for Christmas. I don’t really pray, but the idea is nice. I figure the love that goes into it will be as effective as prayer would be, or perhaps more so. I’m also working on a crocheted felted cat bed, just because I want to.  I found a pattern, too, for bath poofs that can be made out of cotton yarn, and it’s both pretty basic and pretty cute. I foresee lots of bath poofs with shower gel for cousins this Christmas. As long as I stay motivated, that is.

The fundraiser idea I’m working on for IAR involves a “remembrance tree” for pet memorials. The idea is that people will make a donation for an ornament to be placed on a tree either in honor or in memory of a four-legged family member. I found the idea online and think that it also meets the criteria of paying tribute to my poor lost babies. I’ve long wanted to do something to honor their memory and raise money for IAR at the same time, so here we go.

Maybe it’s the Obama presidency, the feeling that the majority of Americans really do care about others, the hope involved in all of it…I dunno. Maybe it’s just that the drugs are working. Whatever it is, I hope it lasts.

Going public…

I don’t exactly hide my blog from those who know me, or my real identity from those who read my blog, but I’ve long been wary of attaching my last name to this blog. Some popular bloggers are pretty good about keeping their identities under wraps, and others don’t bother.

I try to remember to never post things that I wouldn’t be okay with anyone who knows me reading. I don’t want to hurt the feelings of others, so I do hold back at times. I don’t want to share too much in the way of work stresses here, because it’s not the place. I do talk a lot about my battle with depression, my pets, my classes and career goals, and so forth. I don’t talk as much as I’d like about current events and controversial topics, mainly because I’m not an every-day blogger and, well, much of what I have to say about those things are being said better by other people. Still, if I feel strongly about an issue, I’m not afraid to speak out about it on my blog (and, well, just about anywhere else!).

At the same time, it’s not like I’ve sent out my blog address to everyone I know, especially family members. It goes without saying, and I’m sure they wouldn’t be surprised to read it, that I disagree with much of what my family believes. Both sides of my family are pretty conservative and fairly religious. I am neither religious nor remotely conservative. And I’m okay with that, but I don’t think they are, at least when faced with the reality of my beliefs. So, I don’t broadcast my blog, not that I truly think they would read it anyway!

But, I think, perhaps, maybe, it’s time that I drop all pretense and stop trying to guard against people I know finding my blog. I’m fairly active both on Flickr and on Facebook, and I don’t have my blog linked to my profile in either place. I don’t have any good reason for linking it now, other than to increase my readership (ha!), but I have no good reason for hiding it either.

SO – if you know me in real life and can tolerate my wordiness, consider yourself warned. I may not be the person you think I am, or, for better or worse, I may be exactly the person you think I am.

Protected: Whew…

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Protected: Sent an email to my cousin

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Protected: Oh the shame…

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Too busy.

I’m moved in to my new apartment, but not unpacked. No where near unpacked. Fortunately, my bff is coming for the weekend and has told me to not be surprised if she just unpacks everything. She said she’ll draw me a map so I can find my stuff. I say, hey – go for it.

Unfortunately, the TWC guy (ugh) is coming this evening to hook up my cable and internet. And I have to at least rearrange the stuff before he arrives so he can do his job. Sigh.

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Went to Wilmington for my grandmother’s 80th birthday. It was good, but I did sleep too much. Went to church with my grandmother for the first time in a long time. All I could think was that the choir needed some soul. They sounded okay, as far as having the notes down and everything, but the soloist was stiff and apparently terrified of doing a solo, and they just…needed some soul. Yikes.

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My therapist is on vacation next week, so I won’t see her until the week after. She told me to call her if I needed her, though. I love my therapist.

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I have my sleep study finally this Friday night. I’m terrified that I’ll sleep soundly and the study will reveal nothing – which is pretty much what happened last time. I’m crossing my fingers for a bad night, so they’ll get a real sense of what’s going on. I hope I don’t have sleep apnea, because I really don’t want to have to wear a CPAP mask, but, if I can get good solid rest with a CPAP, then, whatever, bring it on. I have woken up around 3 a.m. for the past few nights and can’t go back to sleep for about an hour. It sucks. Please oh please let that happen Friday night!!!

I dread having the glue in my hair. And having to wash it about 5 times when I get back home Saturday morning to try to get the glue out. In case you’re wondering, this is what it looks like when you’re all hooked up for your sleep study.

Also, in case you’re wondering, I will NOT be posting any pictures of myself with the wires. Nope.

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I’ve filled out my application for readmission to the Part-time Classroom Studies credit program through the Friday Center at UNC. Got my tuition waiver form signed. Now to get the final paperwork over to the Friday Center and get my PIN so I can register. CHEM 101 again – and, dammit, I’m going to finish the class this time.

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On a happy note, this is what happens when people take the time to make a difference in an animal’s life.

Another Vick pit bull success story

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On a sad note, one of my favorite bloggers passed away over the weekend. Maya’s Granny – I will miss you and your wisdom.

Babies on the brain

I’ve been milling many posts around my head lately, but haven’t quite been able to see them through to fruition…ah well.

So, I’m reading a new book – Knock Yourself Up, by Louise Sloan. I would highly recommend it for any single woman who may be thinking about becoming a mom at some point in the future (particularly if you think you might use a sperm donor). It is well written, full of useful information, and hilarious to boot. They had it on the shelves at my local B&N, so it’s not one you would necessarily have to order to get.

Why am I reading a book about getting pregnant via a sperm donor? Because I’m trying to decide what path to take regarding becoming a mom. Because, well, I’m not getting any younger, people!

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My best friend, S, went to the courthouse yesterday to file a petition to adopt her little one, the Peanut. She has had Peanut, as a foster child, since Peanut was an infant, and Peanut will be turning three in April. I went with her to the courthouse to file the petition, which turned out to be just turning in some papers and getting them notarized and paying a fee to the clerk of court to do all of that. We thought there would be more “court” involved in it, but there wasn’t. Anyway, she’s in the waiting phase now, but in about 90 days, the Peanut will be forever and always legally her daughter, which is the most awesome thing I can think of. It’s sort of a final thing now, but soon she’ll get a new birth certificate with S’s name listed as the mother.

To top it off, I get to play an extra-special-important part in the Peanut’s life, as Godmother. Not the Fairy Godmother, though, hey, I can dream! I was very honored when S asked me. I love that little girl more than I could ever have imagined I would love a child.

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So, I’m now trying to figure out what I want to do regarding my career plans and how I can work motherhood into that whole equation. Not sure yet how it’s going to happen, but it is something I want, and I just have to figure out what sacrifices I may have to make and what’s most important to me, since life has certainly not taken the path I intended, in most ways.

In fact, it seems that I’ve been totally off course since graduating from college, perhaps even since graduating from high school. Other than going to Carolina, where I knew I wanted to go to college, I’ve pretty much made decisions and had experiences that have lead me in a direction I haven’t always been happy with. Now I’m trying to get back on a track that will make me happy.

So many decisions to make, so much work to do, so little time to accomplish everything. Life is too damn short, I guess.

I don’t want to spend my working years in a career I don’t love, but I also don’t want to miss out on being a mom. I don’t have control, for the most part, over whether I will get married, as that involves the direct participation and decision of others… but I can make decisions about my career and chasing motherhood for the most part on my own.

I went to a foster parent orientation tonight. I’ve pondered foster parenting for a while now, but never felt I was in a position to do it. Always thought I would adopt one day, though my views on adoption (at least arranged domestic adoption) have changed significantly. Always thought that I would like to provide a home for a child who needed one. Is this the time? I don’t know – it will depend on what decisions I make regarding my career. But it may be.

I contacted the career coach at UNC’s alumni association today about making an appointment. I’m a member of the alumni association now, so I get a free first appointment with her, which may be all I need. I discuss these things with my therapist, of course, but would like a fresh perspective from someone who doesn’t actually know me and can be more objective. I can’t help but think that the advice from the many people in my life is very skewed by what they know about me personally. I’m more interested in seeing about the feasibility of what I want in life, rather than the emotional side of it. I’m the queen of self-doubt and I think I often get doubt as well from the people who know me best when I’m talking about my future plans. I know they mean well, know they are coming from the perspective of caring about me and worrying about me, but I also truly believe that I (a) have to find my passion and (b) shouldn’t have to settle for less than what I really want out of life. I’ve been through too much in my 31 years so far to not go after what will really make me happy.

Now to figure out what that is.

AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

Close-minded people really get to me. Really really. Even more so when they are part of my family. For crying in a damn bucket.

My mother forwarded me (and lots of other folks) the email about Barack Obama being a “RADICAL Muslim”, etc. etc. etc. and how he’s going to take over the world and destroy the US by winning the Presidential election. She got the email from my aunt, who, of course, forwarded it to about 30 people.

Man, the Republicans must be really afraid of losing the election if they’re working so hard to spread such bullshit.

The most humorous part of the email was this:

We checked this out on “snopes.com“. It is factual. Check for yourself. 

So, of course, I did, as I usually do, just so I could send the link to my mom, as I already knew it wasn’t true. And, shocker of all shockers, I was right – it is FALSE. Unfortunately, the people who believe these kinds of emails are exactly the kind of people who don’t bother to check out the facts, even when it’s as simple as visiting Snopes.com. ‘Course, these folks are gonna vote Republican anyway, no matter what’s said or who runs. And, amusingly enough, my mom doesn’t vote anyway.

I feel pretty good about the Dems carrying this year’s election…but should the unthinkable happen….eh, I’m not gonna go there.

At least my aunt learned to not send the email to me.

A word about good manners

I spent the weekend (well, part of Saturday and most of Sunday) in Wilmington with my grandmother. On Saturday evening, we decided to go shopping for a bit, and we went to Kohl’s. Now, my grandmother is 79 years old, and while she lives alone and walks and drives, she has a hard time walking for long distances, especially without anything to hold on to (like a shopping cart or a walker), and she has a handicap placard for her car to keep her from having to walk farther than necessary. She is stubborn as a mule and does not like for others to go far out of their way to make things easier for her, especially if she has to ask them to do such a thing…

Anyway, we were in Kohl’s to look for an outfit for the little girl she’s buying Christmas presents for through her church’s Angel Tree. But, of course, we stopped in the women’s clothing section, which is right beside the girls’ department, and browsed through the clearance clothing. My grandmother found several things she wanted to try on, and I found one, and we headed for the dressing room in the girls’ section, which was the nearest one. I went into the second room, and my grandmother said she was heading for the larger handicap room, where she would have more space to move around and something to hold on to if she needed.

As I’m trying on a top, I hear someone say, quite loudly and in a very hateful tone, “There’s someone in here!!!” to my grandmother as she attempted to push the dressing room door open. The woman followed up by saying, again hatefully, “I guess you can’t see!!!”

The door of the handicap dressing room and the one beside it were both closed, but only the handicap room door was locked – not something you would have known just from seeing the door. One would have had to look under the door or knock in order to know if someone was in there. Obviously my grandmother wasn’t going to look under the door as it would have been difficult for her. Of course, she probably should have knocked, but the room was quiet and she assumed the room was unoccupied.

Not to mention that her pushing on the door didn’t hurt the woman in any way, as the door was locked.

I was infuriated that anyone would be so rude to my grandmother. I finished trying on my blouse, got dressed, and waited outside the smaller (non-handicap) dressing room my grandmother was now using. The woman finished trying on her clothing and, in a huff, stormed out of the dressing room past me.

She was probably in her 40s, with bleach-blond hair and wearing a pink running outfit, and she clearly was not disabled in any shape, form or fashion.

My instinct was to go after her and let her know exactly what I hoped would happen to her…but I didn’t say anything. I was furious, but I knew that my going after her might have caused a scene and gotten me in trouble. Still, I wish I had said something to her.

I told my grandmother later that I wonder how she would have reacted if she’d been so rude to someone she assumed was a stranger but who turned out to be, oh, I don’t know, her pastor or her boss, or a good friend. (If she has any friends, that is!) I’m sure she would have been oh-so apologetic. Or what if she’d said that to someone who actually couldn’t see or who was in a wheelchair and needed the handicap room more than my grandmother did? Able-bodied people and sighted people aren’t the only ones who need to try on clothing…

It’s hard for me to be generous and give someone like that the benefit of the doubt. I can put up with rudeness toward me, but when someone is hateful to my grandmother? Well, that just pisses me off to no end.

Some random thoughts, and some not-so-random thoughts.

My bathroom painting job is finished. Now I have to clean the tub, sink, floor and toilet, reorganize the linen closet, and go through/trash the crap I’m not gonna use/don’t need anymore/never liked anyway. THEN it will be done.

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There was a bit of a mix-up with my cousin, A, and our plans this weekend. I shouldn’t say a mix-up, as it wasn’t really – it was more an issue of his having two idiots for parents, neither of whom seem to really want the kid, and neither of whom are willing to make even minor sacrifices to make his life a bit more enjoyable. His mother (my cousin M) called my grandmother and said that A’s father couldn’t bring him to her house for Nanny to pick him up there. A lives with his dad about 30 minutes outside of Wilmington, where my grandmother lives. Anyway, M asked Nanny if she could pick A up from his dad’s, to which Nanny replied that, no, she couldn’t, as (a) she wasn’t familiar with that town and so didn’t feel comfortable going there alone, and (b) why the hell couldn’t A’s dad bring him? M said it was because A’s dad didn’t have enough money for gas to get him to her house. Nanny asked M how A’s dad managed to move his girlfriend and her kids up here from Florida and how he’s supporting them, but he doesn’t have enough money for gas to get his son to her house, about 20 miles away?

Anyway, M called her father (my mom’s older brother) and he agreed to pick up his grandson and bring him to my grandmother’s house tonight. So, the plans for the weekend are still on. I’m going to make an evening of it with A on Friday night – taking him to see the HP 5 movie at Mayfaire 16 cinema in Wilmington, then perhaps for ice cream at Cold Stone, then on to Barnes & Noble until midnight, when we’ll get our books. I went ahead and ordered the movie tix online, in case it sells out, as there is only a couple of decent theatres in Wilmington, and only ONE B&N, which happens to be near the nicest theatre. So…

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Speaking of HP 5 – my best friend, S, and I are going to go see it at IMAX in Raleigh weekend after next. Yes, I will have already seen the movie, as I knew no one else would take A to see it, but there’s nothing like that IMAX experience, and the last 20 minutes of the movie (the fight scene at the Ministry of Magic, I suspect) are in 3D. Should be very cool. I’m also just looking forward to hanging out with S.

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Had therapy on Monday evening, and I didn’t know what to talk about, which has been a problem of late. I confessed that to my therapist, and she asked me questions about work, and about various other issues, and I told her that I just don’t feel as stressed about those things anymore. So, we actually started talking about cutting back on my sessions from weekly to every other week. She said we should probably keep therapy weekly for a little while longer, but if I’m still doing well after a while, we can cut back.

Which, of course, gave me lots of fodder for future therapy sessions. Because while I’m happy to be doing well enough that I don’t feel a dependence on therapy like I once did, it’s also a bit scary to think that the end might be drawing near. I can honestly say that, until very recently, I wasn’t sure if I would ever stop going to therapy. For nearly 9 years, I’ve gone to therapy, and the only time I missed weeks was when I had to out of necessity (like when insurance wouldn’t cover additional sessions, which happened with my former therapist). For the past 4.5 years, I’ve seen this therapist and I’ve seen her nearly every single week, minus a few vacations and holidays. The thought of not seeing her is, well, a bit frightening.

Not that she’s kicking me out or anything! But I really didn’t know I was going to get to this point, well, ever. And, while I know that cutting back doesn’t mean I can’t increase back up to weekly if need-be, it’s still a huge change, and a huge accomplishment. Which reminds me that I’m still not used to feeling quite mentally stable most of the time…

So, guess what I’ll be talking about in therapy on Monday?

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Speaking of things that are stressful, Nanny relayed some news to me last night from my mother, who, for whatever reason, rarely calls me and rarely has time to talk when I call her. Anyway, apparently my father, who is a type 2 diabetic, was put on insulin this week by his doctor. It’s something that’s been a long time coming and, frankly, should have happened a long time ago! I’ve just assumed my dad had a death-wish, as he wasn’t doing a very good job of taking care of himself and his blood sugar levels were out of control. Both his father and his paternal uncle died at pretty young ages (in their 50s) and my dad turns 51 on Friday. Perhaps mortality is becoming more of a reality for him now?

Also, Nanny told me that my cousin C, the one with the charmed life, is having a little boy due November 11. She and her hubby will celebrate their first anniversary in August. Happy happy, joy joy. I must say that I’m much happier about the pregnancy of a friend of mine than I am about the pregnancy of my cousin. Not that I don’t wish her all the best, but I just don’t know that I will be able to put on a smiling face and coo over the little one when I want so much to be in a position to have a little one of my own. I know it’s not feasible right now, as I am damn determined that I am going to medical school, so the pitter-patter of little feet for me will have to be put on hold. Still, it seems so unfair that life can be so easy for some people and so difficult for others.

In the meantime, I will just surround myself with those I love and who make me feel good, and avoid those who don’t. In particular, I will make sure to get plenty of lovin’ from S’s little girl, the Peanut. She’s 2, cute as can be, and I must say that I think I love that child more than I’ve ever loved any child. She’s got her Auntie Kel wrapped around her little finger. Which is the only way I would have it.