33

Not much time for reflection this birthday. I was up at 4:30 a.m. to finish my homework for my class, as I can’t think clearly enough in the evenings when I’m tired to do it, and then caught the bus at 6:30 a.m. to meet someone at 7:15 a.m. to go to the SRC (the student rec center – the gym). We worked out until 8, then I went to work, went to lunch with some friends/coworkers, went to class, back to work for a little while and finally caught the bus home around 6. I talked to my grandmother, fed the furbabies, ate a snack and took a short nap. Up a while later to eat supper and watch Grey’s Anatomy, talked to one grandmother for a bit, then the other grandmother and my aunt for a bit, then I went to bed.

Mom didn’t call me on my birthday last year or this year. Didn’t even text me a Happy Birthday. Not sure what’s up with her, but I’m a little hurt. We’ll see if I get a birthday card, but I haven’t so far. She did send a check (just a check, no note or card or anything) that’s intended to help me get a new laptop. I appreciate it, but my dad told her to send it, because she’s the keeper of the checkbook. I talked to Dad night before last and then he texted me yesterday morning.

So, a pretty uneventful birthday for me. But I guess that’s to be expected. After the events of two years ago, an uneventful birthday is okay, you know?

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To get my 34th year off to a good start, I’ve lost 22.2 lbs so far doing WW. We’ll see how I do this week, with starting to go to the SRC. Oh, and I made an A on my Statistics midterm. Didn’t expect it, but hey, I’ll take it.

Better

I’m feeling much better than I was recently, despite some things that have caused me stress. I’m not letting it get to me any more, at least not at the moment. I was reminded of why I need my meds and why I will probably always need my meds. I can’t afford to slip into the abyss, and that’s what happens when I try to go off my meds.

So, on with the meds it is.

Today is the first day of classes at Carolina. I’m taking Statistics, about which I am not thrilled and more than a little anxious, and my class is at 3:30 in the afternoon. I wish it was in the morning or midday, but I tried to get the best instructor I could get, and hopefully I made the right choice. It’s not going to be an easy class for me I know, so getting a teacher I could understand and who was approachable was of the utmost importance.

Lost another 2.2 lbs at WW this week – up to 11 lbs total so far. I’m hoping for 2 lbs at least this week, because that will put me at my first goal. We shall see. I’m still walking to work most days, so I’m sure that helps, and it’s getting so I kind of look forward to the walk. I especially like Tuesdays and Wednesdays, when I can listen to the podcasts of Car Talk and Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me. (I download the podcasts from the weekend on Monday, so don’t listen to them until Tuesday and Wednesday). I’ve also been listening to The Story and This American Life, and occasionally Science Friday, but I’d like to find something else to listen to as well, so that I don’t get bored.

Lots of folks walking and biking this morning, with it being the first day of classes. A busy fall is ahead.

Sometimes

The hazard of being only somewhat anonymous when blogging is that sometimes you can’t be honest in what you write, lest it come back to bite you in the ass. If you’re reading this, it likely has nothing to do with you, but there is always the slim chance that someone I don’t want reading could stumble across my blog and read things that could make my life more difficult. So, better not to write such things, you know?

Suffice it to say, I’m living for my therapy appointment this week. And things are not getting any easier for me at the moment. And I suppose that’s all I should say about that.

Classes start next week. I’m not ready.

Lost 3.4 lbs on my second week of WW. Trying to not blow it this week, but wanting to eat for comfort as much as anything. Trying to “sit with my feelings” as my therapist recommended, but that’s not easy to do when those feelings aren’t happy ones.

Enough.

Bad mood

I am in a really bad mood today. This whole week, actually. I’m tired (exhausted) and frustrated and feel like crying much of the time. I’m afraid I’m going to bite someone’s head off if they say the wrong thing to me.

I was doing so well for so long and I can’t figure out what’s triggered this mood shift. The worst part is that I get angry with myself for feeling bad and not being able to just snap out of it.

My therapist says that I need to cut myself a break and not get upset with myself over feeling bad – that only makes things worse. I know she’s right, but not sure I can do it.

Trying to figure it all out

I’m freaking out about this whole nursing school-career change thing…about everything I have to do by the application deadlines… about taking a class this fall…about the GRE…about the fact that I don’t think I have a snowball’s chance of getting into the programs I’m applying for…about how on earth I’m going to pay for going back to school full time if I do get accepted…

I’m applying to Duke and UNC, and possibly NC Central (I *think* they have an accelerated program), and I may try to figure out what else I would need to take for the program at UNC-Wilmington. UNCW doesn’t have an accelerated program, but I believe I have almost all of the prereqs I would need for their BSN program and it would only take me two years once I entered the program. I’m taking statistics this fall (re-taking statistics – I took it my freshman year of college but didn’t do as well as I needed to), and planning to take sociology in the spring, which I need for Duke or UNCW. If I’m understanding UNCW’s requirements, I would still need a general chemistry, but everything else I’ve taken should transfer. I would also need to go ahead and become a CNA before admission to their program.

I don’t really want to move, but I have family in Wilmington, so it might make the most sense financially. I don’t know.

I can’t breathe when I think about the prospect of paying for going back to school full time. The Duke program is the one I really want to go to, but it’s so. freaking. expensive. And I already have a lot of debt. Not sure I would qualify for the loans I would need to pay for that program. The UNC program is good and less expensive, being a public university and all, but, from everything I’ve read, it’s harder to get in, probably because it’s good and less expensive than Duke. NC Central’s program was suffering recently, with low NCLEX pass rates, but my understanding is that things are improving. I don’t know for sure, though.

And I just don’t know if I’m making the right decision. I’ve been interested in healthcare for a long time now, but is nursing the right choice for me?

All I know is that I can’t sit behind a desk for the rest of my life.

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I joined Weight Watchers this past weekend. I’ve had some success on the program in the past, and I feel like I’ve (a) got to do something to lose some weight and (b) can’t do it on my own. I’ve been walking to work most mornings – 2 miles – which helps, but I’ve got to get my eating under control as well. The scary part for me is that both times I’ve done WW, I’ve ended up in a major depression. The first time I ended up in an intensive outpatient program and the second time I spent a week in the hospital. I don’t know that there’s any cause and effect there, but there’s a correlation.

I’ve been pretty stable for a while now, though, and started exercising before I started WW, so I’m hopeful that the depression won’t rear it’s ugly head again. I’m also trying to pinpoint, through my therapy, what about weight loss might make me depressed. I think I have some ideas, so I’m hoping that I can use that to head off any slips in my mood. I guess time will tell.

Weird

Had a phone call today from the former owner of my building, Ken. He called me at my work number, which I found…weird. Anyway, he said he was trying to help the woman who currently owns my building (okay…) and was I interested in buying one of the units in my building?

Apparently she wants to sell them off, much like Ken did the three units in the building I used to live in.

I told him that I wasn’t in a financial position to even consider buying one of the units. He said, “Don’t you make about xxx a year?” He knew how much I make. Granted, it’s public record since I work for the state, but for him to go to the trouble to find out…weird. He said, “You could afford it, she’s not going to ask that much.”

Seriously – with the amount of work that needs to be done on this place, there’s no way I’d buy one of the units even if I could afford it! The plumbing in the entire building needs to be replaced, there’s probably a mold problem due to the water leak that happened a while back, the carpet needs to be removed (there’s hardwoods under the carpet), the central air unit that was installed last year wasn’t properly installed, and there are wiring issues that are probably a fire waiting to happen. All because the people who were hired to “renovate” these places didn’t know what the hell they were doing and did it as cheaply as possible, without worrying about doing the work the right way. I don’t know that the building would pass inspection.

I just hope they aren’t trying to figure out a way to get me out of here before my lease is up at the end of May. I can’t afford to move right now and there aren’t any places I can afford available now anyway – I’ve looked. Trying to not worry. Jeez, I don’t need this right now.

Trying to keep my head on straight

I’m struggling with a lot of difficult feelings right now. Family issues that I won’t write about here because I don’t want someone to accidentally come across this post and read something I wouldn’t want to share with them; conflict and fear about going back to school, both in regards to the class I am taking this fall and the prospect of going back full-time at some point; stress about getting older and not feeling like I’ve accomplished, well, anything; frustration with the world in general and the government and a large portion of American citizens in particular…

I just have too much on my mind.

I need to stop watching and reading the news, news/political blogs and, frankly, Facebook status updates from Republicans. The bullshit about Obama not being an American citizen, and the fact that there are people (probably in my own family!) who BELIEVE that is the truth. The bullshit about single-payer/socialist health care that lets me know that people only hear what they want to hear and have somehow missed the part where that’s not, um, what’s being proposed. The fact that people I used to be friends with are among the idiot Americans who think that things are okay the way they currently are and nothing needs to change, all because they’re afraid of change.

I just don’t get it. I just don’t understand how people can think that the way things are, with 50 million uninsured Americans and more underinsured Americans and a health care system that already rations health care but does so based on ability to pay for services rather than on what might actually be fair or morally and ethically right…

It’s all enough to make me scream. And call my representatives and tell them that they need to vote for health care reform.

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I have a new neighbor in the apartment above mine, but so far he’s quiet. Quite a difference from the drug-dealing noisy assholes who used to live up there. Today I came home and my neighbors in the apartment beside mine are moving out. I liked them, too, though they did play too loud music occasionally.  Now I have to worry about who might move into that apartment. I can’t take bad neighbors. My poor Puddin’ was so stressed with the folks that lived above us being so noisy and then the renovation work they did on that apartment with all the banging and carrying on…she would hide in the bedroom. I hope that whoever moves in beside me is also quiet. Then we’ll be good to go, for a little while anyway.

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I’m just rambling now so I’ll stop. Having a hard time updating this blog because there’s too much in my head and I’m not doing a very good job of getting it out in a coherent manner.

What the hell else?

Just got home a bit ago from an adoption event with my new foster kitty, Lil’ Joe, and not 30 minutes later, some folks working upstairs in the apartment above mine knocked a HOLE in the ceiling in my BATHROOM. About a foot wide hole! 

Sometimes I think they should pay ME to live here. Jesus.

My Casey

My Casey

Originally uploaded by KelliAmanda

My Casey-boo died yesterday morning. My little mustache-man, and Neville’s best buddy, is gone.

I never thought I’d lose another kitty so soon after losing my five furbabies in the fire. I never thought I’d have to make the decision to euthanize a cat that was not quite 1.5 years old.

I went to a wedding Saturday night and came home around 11 p.m. to find Casey breathing more heavily than normal. I suspected he had eaten something he wasn’t supposed to, that maybe he was constipated or something like that. I thought he would be okay. I didn’t suspect an emergency.

I went to bed and woke up around 4 a.m. to him panting and moving from spot to spot in the apartment. He couldn’t settle. I called the Emergency Vet (thank goodness I live somewhere that has an Emergency Vet) and made the decision to take him in. We got there around 5 a.m.

By the time we got there, his breathing was very labored and crackly sounding. They took him on back and the vet came out and said he had developed congestive heart failure. His lungs were filled with fluid. She had put him in an oxygen cage and given him a sedative and a diuretic to try to pull the fluid out of his lungs, but he wasn’t doing well at all and she was honest with me that he likely wouldn’t live that long. She said that he likely had a heart defect, given his developing congestive heart failure at such a young age.

She said they could try this and this and this, but that it wasn’t likely to work and would cost anywhere from $800 – $2000 (for the next 48 hours of his time at the Emergency Vet). She took me back to see him, and he was gasping for air. Casey-boo was so pitiful, and I didn’t see that I had another choice but to let the vet euthanize him at that point. She was supportive of my decision to let him go and said she thought it was a good decision.

I didn’t even get the vet’s name. She was very compassionate, though.

I opted to have Casey cremated and will get his ashes later this week or early next week. That was one thing I knew I wanted, as I didn’t have anything from my other furkids.

Casey, my sweet boy, my too-soos, my little freckle foot, you will always be missed. You have Pip, Piper, Bella, Xander and Felix to keep you company in kitty heaven.

I just can’t believe he’s gone. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

How much is within our control?

I intended to spend the first part of today studying at Barnes & Noble, but, alas, I ended up reading. I read Fish!, a book about improving work morale and learning to enjoy your work. Lord knows I need something to help me feel better about work. With everything going on at work right now, it’s not easy to have a positive attitude. All the news is bad these days. All of it.

The stuff I’ve been reading lately places a lot of emphasis on choosing your attitude, choosing happiness, etc. etc. And, to be honest, I have a hard time seeing how it is possible to choose your attitude about everything. I understand the idea behind choosing your attitude, but I don’t know how much I agree with the reality of choosing your attitude.

I also don’t know how much of the way I feel about things is under my control and how much is because of the depression. I know that when I’m not depressed, it’s a lot easier to not worry about things, to be more upbeat, to have a more positive attitude. When the drugs aren’t working, though, it can be nearly impossible.

The points made in the book Fish! make a lot of sense, assuming you believe that one has the ability to choose one’s attitude in every situation – why would you choose to be miserable in your work when you spend most of your waking hours at work? Why not choose to have a good attitude at work? You may not have a job you love, but you can do your job as if you love it.

I don’t know if I buy it.

I also don’t know why it’s hard for me to give something that could make life easier a chance. I don’t know why I have a hard time even thinking about things that could make me happy, or at least happier, much less putting those things into action. I don’t know why the concept of happiness is so abstract for me. It seems very out of reach. I honestly don’t know the last time I was truly happy, but I do know that it wasn’t recently.

I realize, however, that even if my career changes, as it will at some point, my troubles are going to follow me as long as I let them. It’s obvious to me that changing jobs within my current field won’t help matters for me. I’d like to think that once I’m in a career that’s a better fit for me, I will be a happier person, but I don’t really believe that’s the case. I think that I’m going to be miserable as long as I continue thinking that I don’t deserve to be happy, regardless of my career path. I think that there are some things, like making more money, that could take away some of the stress that I currently feel that contributes to my being unhappy, but I think that ultimately, I’m going to have to try to buy in to the “happiness is a choice” stuff and figure out how to be happy regardless of my circumstances.

I do know that it’s true that there are some people who are, by nature, more optimistic and others who are down all the time, and that it often has little to do with the life circumstances for those people, but more with how they view those circumstances. I do have a “victim” view of myself, especially in regards to dealing with difficult people, and, frankly, I’m tired of letting others have so much control over me. I can’t change the fact that I have to deal with some really difficult people on a daily basis, but I have to figure out a way to not let those people affect me as much as they do. Not sure how the hell to do that, but…

what choice do I have?