Guilt

I don’t know how I could have made a choice other than the one I made, given the circumstances.

Still, I chose to end Casey’s life.  In a matter of minutes, because that’s all I had.

Had I had much more money, were I wealthy, I would have likely made a different decision. I would have told the vet to do everything in her power to save my boy. To hell with the expense. This is my baby we’re talking about.

But I’m not wealthy. And money was a factor. And I HATE THAT. It makes me sick to think about.

What if I’d had health insurance for Casey? How might that have changed things?

This isn’t like my other babies. My other babies that I had no way of saving.

And perhaps the best efforts wouldn’t have saved Casey either. He may not have made it, regardless of how much money I was able to pay the vet to try to save him. The vet told me so. She said that we’d be discussing euthanasia regardless of money, because he was that sick.

But, oh, to have had a few thousand dollars in my account to spend. It may not have worked, but maybe it would have. Maybe he would still be here with me. He would be on medication for the rest of his life, and there would be no telling how long his life would have been, but maybe he would be here.

I didn’t want him to suffer. He was suffering, as anyone who has ever experienced struggling to breathe knows. I know how it feels to not be able to breathe. I saw him gasping for breath. He didn’t even look at me because he was freaking out from not being able to breathe.

I hope I made the right decision. The vet said she thought it was a good decision. But it was the hardest decision I’ve made so far in my life. The hardest. The decision to let my little boy go.

I try to do good by my animals. I try to give them good lives with good food and good care. But sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to have any of them, because I can’t give them everything I wish I could. I can’t give them the best food and the best care. I can’t give my girls a yard to run in. I can’t give my boys lots of room to run and things to climb. I know they could have better lives than the lives they have, and it hurts to know that I can’t give it to them.

My heart is breaking, again. I love Puddin’, Penny, Neville and Andrew so much, loved Casey so much, loved Pip, Piper, Bella, Xander and Felix so much. I feel I fail them all every single day. I want them to have better.

But I don’t know that anyone could love them as much as I do. I just really wish I could give them more of what they need and more to make their lives richer.

Friday hodge-podge

More tired tonight than I have been other nights this week. Need to go home and clean out litter boxes, clean house, wash clothes, etc. etc., but right now just wanting to go to sleep. Sigh.

Hope my “energy” streak isn’t ending already. I need to be able to keep going!

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Heard a story on Talk of the Nation Science Friday on NPR earlier about a form of vitamin B3 (otherwise known as Niacin) showing promise in the treatment of Alzheimer’s disease. Apparently it might also be beneficial to healthy people in improving cognition and memory. And there’s a blanket warning to not go buy vitamin B3 supplements and take high doses, because too much can be toxic.

But I wonder if just taking some more B vitamins all the way around would help me. I’ve looked at taking Niacin supplements in the past, as well as Riboflavin (vitamin B2). I can’t say that I recall why, though.

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Heard a story on The People’s Pharmacy not long ago that I keep meaning to find the podcast for, as I didn’t hear the whole thing and would like to. It was regarding the emphasis on “the numbers” in medicine – blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, etc., and how focusing on the numbers rather than the disease that might be causing abnormal numbers isn’t very effective. In particular he talked about how studies have shown that taking oral hypoglycemics might lower blood sugar levels for type II diabetics, but don’t typically increase the lifespan of people with type II diabetes. Which would seem to defeat the whole point, you know? Why take the drugs if you aren’t going to live any longer? But I’m curious as to whether treating with insulin has a more beneficial outcome on lifespan. I’ll look it up at some point.

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Listened to President-elect Obama’s first press conference since winning the election this afternoon. I love the fact that he actually THINKS about things before acting. I think “pragmatic” is the perfect word to describe him, and that’s exactly what we need. His new web site is up and running, if not fully polished yet, and gives us a glimpse into what the Obama administration will be like. A very good thing indeed.

I also loved the fact that he referred to shelter dogs being mostly mutts, just like him. Pretty cute. A reporter asked about the soon-to-be First Dog and he said that the challenge will be in finding a dog that works with Malia’s allergies while still wanting to adopt a rescue dog.

Fortunately for the Obama family, there are a decent number of hypoallergenic breeds, and a large number of breed rescues. Obviously I’d love it if they could adopt a true mutt, but having to find a breed that doesn’t bother Malia’s allergies makes that less likely. But if they adopt a pup from a breed rescue, well, it would be better than buying from a breeder or (yikes) a puppy mill.

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Seven years ago today, my grandfather took his own life. Hard to believe it’s been seven years – seven years since 9/11, seven years since my grandfather’s death. Veteran’s day is coming up, which will forever be connected to his funeral in my mind. The memory of receiving that phone call from my mom telling me of his suicide is one that still haunts me if I think about it too much. It’s one of those moments that I will remember vividly for the rest of my life, like the space shuttle Challenger explosion, the attack on the World Trade Center towers and waking up to my dining room windows shattering.

Which, now that I think about it, makes the fall and winter not very good times of the year for me historically. Let’s hope that changes as time goes on. So far so good with 2008. We have an Obama presidency to celebrate this fall.

Creative burst

I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’m feeling more creative and (gasp) energetic lately. Well, energetic in the evenings anyway – still can hardly get out of bed in the mornings.

Okay, perhaps energetic isn’t the right word. Awake…yes, awake is the right word. I’m awake during the day and in the evenings. Which, for me, is a change.

Anyway, I’ve actually started crocheting again. Working on Christmas presents right now, but want to do some Christmas ornaments as well. So many ideas, so little time. Also working on some fundraising ideas for Independent Animal Rescue, though it’s looking likely that we’ll get the $10,000 prize in the America’s Favorite Shelter contest. $10,000 will save about 100 cats and dogs, but the contest also generated interest from potential foster homes, so we may be growing some more as well!

Back to the creativity thing, though – I’m actually doing some graphic design at work that I like. This is rare for me. Often others will like my designs but I will hate them. This either means that I’m getting better, or I’m getting less judgmental of my design.

Sorry to jump all over the place with this post (do I always do this? goodness.) but just trying to get my ideas out there.

I’ve started crocheting a “prayer shawl” for my paternal grandmother for Christmas. I don’t really pray, but the idea is nice. I figure the love that goes into it will be as effective as prayer would be, or perhaps more so. I’m also working on a crocheted felted cat bed, just because I want to.  I found a pattern, too, for bath poofs that can be made out of cotton yarn, and it’s both pretty basic and pretty cute. I foresee lots of bath poofs with shower gel for cousins this Christmas. As long as I stay motivated, that is.

The fundraiser idea I’m working on for IAR involves a “remembrance tree” for pet memorials. The idea is that people will make a donation for an ornament to be placed on a tree either in honor or in memory of a four-legged family member. I found the idea online and think that it also meets the criteria of paying tribute to my poor lost babies. I’ve long wanted to do something to honor their memory and raise money for IAR at the same time, so here we go.

Maybe it’s the Obama presidency, the feeling that the majority of Americans really do care about others, the hope involved in all of it…I dunno. Maybe it’s just that the drugs are working. Whatever it is, I hope it lasts.

The MOST ridiculous thing I’ve heard of in a long time…

And that is saying something.

Check this out:

Booger the pit bull is back! All five of him…

Tue Aug 5, 6:36 AM ET

SEOUL (Reuters) – The loss of Booger the pit bull terrier was almost more than Bernann McKinney could bear.

Now she is happy, minus $50,000 and her house, and owner of five cloned Booger puppies.

…

She sold her house in the United States to raise the $50,000 for RNL scientists to turn skin cells taken from Booger before he died two years ago into embryos carried by two surrogate dogs for two months until giving birth to the puppies last week.

“I had to make sacrifices and I dream of the day, some day when everyone can afford to clone their pet because losing a pet is a terrible, terrible loss to anyone.”

Um…seriously?

Why would everyone WANT to clone their pet? Why would ANYONE want to clone their pet?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my animals. In fact, I know a number of people who think I am too over-the-top about my pets. I’d give quite a bit to have my kitties back. Not anything, but a lot. And I make a lot of personal sacrifices for my furry “children.”

But cloning your pet isn’t bringing your pet back to life. It’s producing a genetic replica of your pet.

If you happen to have identical twin pups and one of them dies, does the other one automatically fill the place of the first? Because considering they have identical genes, the twin should be able to replace the dead one, right? According to this woman’s logic, I mean.

Let’s add a sci-fi twist to the scenario (cause cloning isn’t sci-fi-esque enough!) – say you had two identical twin pups – genetically equal – and one of them was cryopreserved until the other one died. If you could thaw the identical twin and have a living pup, one that had originally shared a womb with the first pup – would you then have a perfect enough pup to fill the place of the first?

Of course not. Because having the same genes does not make one the same being. In fact, identical twins are more “alike” than clones would be, because identical twins, particularly if they grow up in the same household, have more similar experiences. It is as much our experiences as our genes that make us who we are.

I know that pups aren’t people, so experience probably doesn’t play as big a role in the personality outcome, but I also know that the personality of a dog isn’t as complex as the personality of a person, so experience likely plays a sufficient role in the shaping of the dog’s personality. No matter how identical the genes are, that other factor cannot be duplicated.

Not to mention that we don’t know enough about cloning and the long-term health of clones to know whether this woman has, in selling her house and paying $50,000 for these cloned pups, predisposed the poor creatures to some horrible condition that she isn’t even aware of yet.

And how, pray tell, is she going to feed the dogs, take them to the vet, etc. etc. etc., when she sold her house just to pay for them to be created?

Oh – and did she have extra embryos frozen, for when these pups die? Or is she expecting them to outlive her, so she doesn’t have to clone one of the clones? (If she clones a clone, what does that make the clone in relation to the original?)

Truly – I understand the missing of a deceased pet, better than a lot of people, unfortunately. I know what it’s like to lose a pet that you’ve had for years and years, and what it’s like to lose a pet you’ve only had a short while.

But, if it were between cloning my Pip, for instance, or rescuing another cat from a certain death at the local animal shelter, I’m sure that paying tribute to the Pipster would be better served by saving another life, rather than creating more lives, even if they were genetically identical to him. The clones wouldn’t be Pip, even if they looked like him. The clones might turn out better socialized (Some of my friends and family would be okay with that part) and probably wouldn’t drool on me when I cuddled them and try to “nurse” on my shirt, the way Pip did. So, what would be the point, except to have an animal that was mostly identical in appearance?

Pets are with us for too short a time. My Puddin’ and Penny are aging too quickly, and I don’t like to think about how I will deal with losing them, because I know it’s going to be one of the hardest things I will ever go through. But, even though I know they don’t know what cloning is, or about puppy mills and irresponsible breeding, or about the large numbers of dogs on “death row” at shelters throughout the US…I know that, if they did, they would be much happier for me to find another dog to love through animal rescue than to have “Puddin’ and Penny” clones created. I wish I could keep my girls alive for the rest of my life, and that we’d all be happy and healthy until we all died (at the exact same minute, when I’m 102), but that’s not reality. So, I will cherish them while they are here, and I will miss them terribly when they are gone, just as I do my Pip, Piper, Bella, Xander & Felix, and I will, at some point, have other wonderful dogs share my life, just like I am doing with my Neville now.

Really, if they understood, I don’t think Puddin’ and Penny would have it any other way.

Rest in Peace, Randy Pausch

Beloved CMU computer science professor Randy Pausch died last night. He’d been battling pancreatic cancer for quite a while and had surpassed the estimated number of months they told him he had to live when he was diagnosed.

Randy leaves behind a lovely wife, Jai Glasgow Pausch, and three beautiful children, Logan, Dylan and Chloe.

I never had the opportunity to meet Randy, unfortunately, but his story touched me as it touched so many people. I felt a bit of a connection because his wife used to work in my department at UNC and he had collaborated with some of the researchers in my department as well. The people who knew and worked with him considered him more than a collaborator, though – he was a friend.

The woman who used to work in my position at UNC is pretty good friends with Jai (from their time working together in my department), and Jai, Randy and the kids had visited her and her family not too long before Randy was diagnosed.

I can’t imagine what this must be like for Jai, and I wish her, her children and the rest of their family and friends peace through this difficult time.

If you aren’t familiar with Randy (and, um, who isn’t? but just in case), here are a couple of links. They are probably pretty heavily trafficked today, but, if you can get to them, they are well worth your time to watch and/or listen or read. Well worth your time. He was truly inspirational.

ABC’s Diane Sawyer interviews Randy

“The Last Lecture” on CMU’s web site

“The Last Lecture” book web site

Rest in Peace, Randy Pausch.

Unexpected

I was working late today – it’s nearly quarter to 10 and I’ll be going back for a bit tonight, after I watch the new Law & Order SVU – and I found something I didn’t expect, when looking for a CD to burn some work stuff on…

Four CDs with pictures. Pictures of the Peanut when she was younger and spent some time with Auntie Kel, pictures of Puddin’ and Penny, pictures of my family at Christmas a couple of years ago.

And pictures of Pip, Piper, Bella, Xander and Felix. Pictures I don’t even remember taking. Precious wonderful pictures of my babies that I didn’t know existed.

I’m uploading them all to my Flickr for safe keeping, in addition to having the CDs and having them in my Picasa. Can’t have too many copies, IMO.

It was very very unexpected, and brought back a lot of memories, of course. I’m so glad to have found them – so glad that I’m absentminded and left them at work rather than taking them home where they would have burned with everything else. But it’s so painful to see those pictures. Truly, sometimes it still feels like yesterday. So hard to believe that it’s been nearly seven months.

Fuck, when will this get easier??? My poor sweet babies. I miss them more than I ever could have imagined.

Hooligans no more.

One of my favorite bloggers is Maya’s Granny. Recently Maya’s Granny (also known as Joycelyn) went through a major health scare that ended up involving bypass surgery.

Fortunately, it looks like she’s going to be okay.

Unfortunately, this health problem means that she won’t be returning to her home in Juneau, Alaska, and will instead be going to live with family in California.

Without her cats, the Hooligans (Merry and Pippin).

Joycelyn has recently been moved to an extended care facility to continue recovering from her surgery before moving to California. Her son and daughter-in-law are taking care of getting her things from Alaska to California and have found new home(s?) for her beloved Hooligans.

MG blogged today about losing her Pippin and Merry. I so wish I could do something. As someone who has experienced losing her cats suddenly and unexpectedly, though in a very different way, I know that, for Joycelyn, losing her babies will be one of the most difficult parts of this journey she’s having to undertake.

I’m sure that the decision about rehoming MG’s Hooligans was made because it had to be so. I know MG’s family loves her and that they made the decision in her best interest. But I can’t help but feel that not having her cats with her, and knowing they won’t be there when she gets out of the extended care facility, will make her recovery that much longer and harder. I know it would for me.