End of the weekend.

Accomplished pretty much nothing at all today. Between having a headache all day and my back preventing me from doing the most basic of tasks, if such tasks require bending over even a little bit, today was just a wash out.

Which, frankly, was not what I needed.

Essie didn’t eat much of anything today. I debated taking her out of quarantine, as she still doesn’t seem sick and I’m thinking her problem is likely stress/loneliness/boredom/depression? But, as her blood work results are supposed to be in tomorrow, I figured I would hold off until I know for sure she’s not sick.

If her blood work comes back good, I’ll take her out of quarantine tomorrow. Poor baby. I did get her to eat a little bit of boiled chicken tonight, but she didn’t even touch the prescription a/d cat food the vet sent home nor did she taste the chicken baby food last night.

She also hasn’t touched the dry food AT ALL nor has she pooped even once since I’ve had her home. But her belly isn’t distended and the vet didn’t think she had an intestinal blockage. When she tried to get a fecal sample, there was nothing to sample.

I may have to get her some subcutaneous fluids tomorrow if she still doesn’t eat. I’ll give her some more boiled chicken in the morning, if she’ll take it, and try her on some more a/d cat food, which she liked at first. Sigh.

——————-

Anyway, tomorrow is day two of Research Fair for our grad students. We have a fair-sized class this year, and they seem like a good bunch for the most part. I need to get up early tomorrow and get to work, um, on time? so I’m heading to bed soon. Hopefully, despite my headache, I’ll be able to sleep.

Hopefully I won’t have to deal with the asshole neighbors again tonight. Things are, for now, fairly quiet.

Classes begin Tuesday morning and my CHEM 101 prof is, let’s just say, enthusiastic. Very enthusiastic. The class is going to be a lot of work, and sometime between now and Tuesday morning at 8 a.m. (ha!) I’ve got to find time to read Chapter 1 in my text and review the stuff he’s putting online tomorrow morning.

Of course, I’ll probably be working late tomorrow because of Research Fair. And I have to attempt to get adequate sleep so that I can focus in class Tuesday morning.

What the hell am I thinking doing this? Trying to remind myself of what my therapist said – it would be harder to not try. Harder to give up than to give it my all.

I surely hope she’s right, and that it will all be worth it in the end. Guess I’ll know sooner rather than later.

Protected: Losing myself.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Too busy.

I’m moved in to my new apartment, but not unpacked. No where near unpacked. Fortunately, my bff is coming for the weekend and has told me to not be surprised if she just unpacks everything. She said she’ll draw me a map so I can find my stuff. I say, hey – go for it.

Unfortunately, the TWC guy (ugh) is coming this evening to hook up my cable and internet. And I have to at least rearrange the stuff before he arrives so he can do his job. Sigh.

……………..

Went to Wilmington for my grandmother’s 80th birthday. It was good, but I did sleep too much. Went to church with my grandmother for the first time in a long time. All I could think was that the choir needed some soul. They sounded okay, as far as having the notes down and everything, but the soloist was stiff and apparently terrified of doing a solo, and they just…needed some soul. Yikes.

……………

My therapist is on vacation next week, so I won’t see her until the week after. She told me to call her if I needed her, though. I love my therapist.

…………..

I have my sleep study finally this Friday night. I’m terrified that I’ll sleep soundly and the study will reveal nothing – which is pretty much what happened last time. I’m crossing my fingers for a bad night, so they’ll get a real sense of what’s going on. I hope I don’t have sleep apnea, because I really don’t want to have to wear a CPAP mask, but, if I can get good solid rest with a CPAP, then, whatever, bring it on. I have woken up around 3 a.m. for the past few nights and can’t go back to sleep for about an hour. It sucks. Please oh please let that happen Friday night!!!

I dread having the glue in my hair. And having to wash it about 5 times when I get back home Saturday morning to try to get the glue out. In case you’re wondering, this is what it looks like when you’re all hooked up for your sleep study.

Also, in case you’re wondering, I will NOT be posting any pictures of myself with the wires. Nope.

…………….

I’ve filled out my application for readmission to the Part-time Classroom Studies credit program through the Friday Center at UNC. Got my tuition waiver form signed. Now to get the final paperwork over to the Friday Center and get my PIN so I can register. CHEM 101 again – and, dammit, I’m going to finish the class this time.

…………….

On a happy note, this is what happens when people take the time to make a difference in an animal’s life.

Another Vick pit bull success story

……………

On a sad note, one of my favorite bloggers passed away over the weekend. Maya’s Granny – I will miss you and your wisdom.

Totally mental.

Went to the new psychiatrist today, Dr. C. She’s nice, but she’s definitely NOT a med person. Yes, she has a medical degree. Yes, she’s a physician specializing in psychiatry. She’d probably be a better therapist than psychiatrist. I think that’s what she really likes anyway, based on some of the things she told me today. She said she’d wondered why she didn’t just become a physician’s assistant instead of going to med school and then having to do a residency.

Okay…

We were talking about my desire to go to medical school and to become a psychiatrist. She was saying that there are other ways I can do therapy. That’s what she normally does – therapy supplemented by medication.

I have a therapist. A therapist I’m very fond of, actually. I need someone who does medication management. Not that a psychiatrist doesn’t need to know her patients, but she needs to take a more scientific, medical approach to treating mental illness – that’s kind of the point. Yes, psychiatrists can do therapy (though they’re not necessarily taught *how* in medical school), but they are MDs so they can prescribe medication. If they’re not interested in medication management, they should’ve gotten PhDs or MSWs and chosen a career as a therapist, not a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists who aren’t good at medication management (most of them) are doing a disservice to patients who rely on them for mental health treatment.

I told Dr. C that I like psychiatry because I *like* the medication aspect of it. It is fascinating to me. I know for a fact that psych medication works, and I’m amazed that it works as well as it does considering how little science knows about the brain. I want to know more. I want to learn more. I want to be able to help people with mental illness through medicine, not just psychotherapy.

So, I’ve been reminded of why I don’t like most psychiatrists. Most psychiatrists, it seems, aren’t much more up-to-date on the latest in psychotropic medications than most general practitioners. It’s very frustrating.

Anyway, I decided to page my former/current/long-time psychiatrist, Dr. L. He called me and, um, did exactly what I thought he would do – he bumped my fluvoxamine (Luvox) dose a bit. I’ve been on a pretty low dose for a while, but fluvox has been a good drug for me (minus the initial weight gain), and bumping the dose back up a bit makes sense. I had thought about just doing it myself, but figured I’d better check with the good doctor first. As much as I hate the fact that Dr. L moved his entire practice to Charlotte, the fact is he’s brilliant at medication management. He knows the drugs and the brain inside and out. And he knows me and my history.

Dr. C wrote me a script for clonazepam (Klonopin), a benzodiazepine. I’ve only ever taken one benzo – Ativan – that did me no good at all. I told Dr. L what Dr. C had prescribed, and, as I suspected he would, he said he’s not a fan of clonazepam, that it’s one of his least-favorite drugs. It’s one of Dr. C’s most favorite drugs. Hmmm…

Anyway – for the time being, I’m going to keep letting Dr. L manage my meds while I look for someone else local who knows something (please!!!!!!!) about psychopharmacology, particularly for patients with complicated medication histories and treatment-resistant mental illness. Like me. I don’t have much confidence that I’ll find someone who is actually on my insurance, but hopefully I can find someone. Someone competent.

Someone who knows that bupropion ER is the generic for Wellbutrin SR, which Dr. C wasn’t aware of, apparently. Jeesh.

Reminds me of the psychiatrist who treated me the time I was hospitalized, Dr. N. He tried to tell me that one of my meds, Lamictal, wasn’t yet approved for treating mood disorders, nor was it a good first choice for a mood stabilizer.

It had been approved for treating bipolar about 2 weeks before I went into the hospital. The day I was released, when I met with Dr. N for the last time, he told me that he had just gotten the letter saying it was now approved for treating bipolar. I said, “Yeah, two weeks ago.” At least he admitted that I was right.

Seriously, I may never sleep again.

I had my first lab on Tuesday night. It was good, and somewhat amusing, as the TA had introduced himself as Mr. G* and asked that we, the students, not call him by his first name, likely because he’s only about 23 years old and needs to differentiate himself from the undergrads he’s teaching. Anyway, at one point I had asked him a question and we chatted a bit and I told him what I’m doing and where I work, etc. etc., and later he comes back to me and says, “By the way – you can call me Chris. You don’t have to call me Mr. G*. Please, call me Chris.”

It was quite cute. It was nice that he recognized that it would feel awkward for me to call him Mr. G*, but in a way, it makes me feel a bit old. :-0

Anyway, lab is Tuesday evenings from 6-10 p.m., through early November.  I will have to leave work early to run home, take the dogs out, get my car, go back to campus, park, and walk to class…

…

Chorus begins again this Monday evening and lasts until 9:30 p.m. I’m looking forward to a new semester with a new director, but, at the same time, the thought of two nights in a row of not being home and then not getting to bed until after 10 p.m. makes me tired. Very very tired.

…

I’m probably going to be taking a photography class for work beginning next week, on Thursday nights from 6-8. Fortunately, it only lasts for 6 weeks, and it counts as work time since it is a job-related course. Oh, and it’s local (in Carrboro).

…

We had our first Chemistry quiz in class yesterday (Wednesday), and I wasn’t as prepared as I should have been. I had a feeling she was going to give us a quiz, and fortunately the material wasn’t all that difficult, but I blanked on one question, remembering how to do it after I had already turned in my paper. So, sometime in between my classes and chorus, I have to remember that I HAVE TO STUDY. Frequently. Regularly. Often.

…

Of course, I also need to fit in spending time with friends, visiting family once in a while, doing work-related stuff that sometimes involves my staying after hours, and, last but certainly not least, loving on and playing with my fur babies.

So sleep? Eh. It’s overrated anyway.

Sunshine and roses. Sunshine and roses, dammit!

I’m working hard today to keep a happy face and not let petty stupid little shit bother me. I won’t even specify what it is that’s bothering me, apart from saying that it deals with a supposed friend who appears to talk out of both sides of her mouth, and if you’re reading this, you’re likely not the supposed friend to whom I’m referring.

Truth is, I do feel good – better than I have in a long time – but I’m not immune to feeling hurt regarding certain wounds that run deep. My old reaction would have been to let the hurt fester, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to take that track now.

Approaching the person wouldn’t make anything better, as I don’t know that she’s even cognizant of how her actions are hurtful toward me, or, if she is, I’m not sure that she would really be able to change them. I’m not sure she has that kind of insight, and the fact that she battles mental illness doesn’t make it any easier.

At the mo’, I’m being quite pleasant and friendly toward her when we interact, but I don’t trust her as far as I can throw her. I did trust her at one time, but she lost my trust through a series of events, and I don’t know that she could ever do anything to regain it. I don’t think she’s an inherently bad person or anything, but I don’t think she makes very good choices regarding her life, and I don’t think she sees how her decisions impact those around her.

So, I will continue to keep my distance.

As for the hurt – I can’t control her actions, but I have some control over my reaction, and, frankly, the whole thing is not worth getting really upset over. I think it does speak to the kind of person she is, that she’s making the decisions she’s making, and, well, I refuse to allow myself to get caught up in the drama involved, or to let her know that her actions are hurtful to me. I won’t give her that power.

…

I started writing this post earlier today, and at the time I was feeling a little bummed … but now I’m okay again.  I’m amazed at how much easier I’m finding it to change my thinking patterns these days. I told my therapist last night that it all seems so much simpler now, and that I seem to have found a calmness in regards to my life. Not that there aren’t still some ups and downs, but I’m better able to keep them in perspective and not get bogged down with the details that troubled me in the past.

We also talked about my career plans, and she suggested that I change my statements from “when I go to medical school,” to “when I finish med school” or “when I become a physician.” A part of my brain finds it a bit presumptuous to make such a definitive statement, but the new me (ha!) knows – absolutely knows - that I’m going to reach the goal, even though the road to get there has been and likely will be longer and curvier than I could have anticipated.

If you want to read a good (and fairly brief) article on reaching your goals, check out this one from the May 2007 issue of Real Simple magazine. I found it pretty inspiring. My favorite part, about a woman who decided she wanted to go to law school at the age of 47:

When Michelle announced she was applying to law school, her husband was completely shocked. “Are you kidding?” he said. “Do you know how old you’ll be when you graduate? Fifty!”

“I’ll be 50 anyway,” she replied.

The next time I wonder (or am questioned about) if I’m too old to be doing this whole crazy med school prep thing, I’m going to remind myself that one day, hopefully, I’ll be 40 … and I can either be 40 and be a doctor or I can be 40 and not be a doctor.

Somehow that makes the whole decision seem so much clearer, doesn’t it?

I’m registered!

I just registered for my chem 101 class and lab for this fall. Whew. I was afraid that I wouldn’t get in the class due to freshman registration that’s going on. Fortunately, I was processed as of this morning and was able to register.

Now to manage to get through the class, with an A if at all possible. It’s going to be an interesting fall.

Where my heart is

In working for my alma mater, it’s easy to get caught up in the daily grind and forget what brought me here in the first place, not just five years ago, when I started working here, but 13 years ago when I first came here, 17 years old and pretty naive about the world, the promise of Carolina and a bright future ahead of me.

Freshman orientation is going on right now at Carolina, and I can’t help but remember my own freshman orientation experience. I hadn’t yet graduated from high school – still had a physics final to take – and my dad drove me to Chapel Hill, where I spent three days (I think…) nauseated due to nerves, living in a barren dorm room with strangers, getting my first taste of freedom, wondering what the hell I was thinking.

My freshman year is now a bit of a blur, and it certainly wasn’t the easiest of times. I lived in a triple in my dorm with two girls who liked to party. I contemplated dropping out because of my living situation, but the area director for my dorm helped me find a new roommate, and I made it through second semester without nearly as much turmoil.

Classes were both easier and more difficult than I had expected – I made the freshman mistake of signing up for an 8 a.m. class, thinking that it wouldn’t be hard to do since I’d had to be at school earlier than that in high school. Ha. I anticipated 20 page papers, thanks to my high school junior English teacher, but instead was assigned 5-8 page papers. I took a full course load, not knowing why I shouldn’t. I didn’t learn to manage my time very well, and my freshman year grades reflected it. Not that I did really poorly, but I didn’t make the Dean’s List.

Still, it wasn’t all bad. I learned a lot about myself that year, and I gained two friendships that have turned out to be two of the dearest and most enduring friendships I’ve ever had. I’m certainly thankful for that.

…

I had to return a few books to the university library today and run by the cashier’s office to drop off my tuition waiver form for my fall class. In doing so, I had the opportunity to walk across the main part of campus – through Polk Place, past The Pit, stopping in Davis Library, then on to Bynum Hall, and back past Memorial Hall and the Old Well. And I couldn’t help but think that, as frustrated as I get sometimes at hoops I have to jump through as both a staff member and a student, as annoyed as I get by the immaturity of some of the undergraduates, as tired as I am of seeing all the construction that never seems to end…I really do love this place, and I can’t imagine going anywhere else. Should I succeed at getting into medical school, I may very well have to get over my stubbornness about wanting to stay at Carolina, but in the meantime, I’m going to try to enjoy the good things this university has to offer.

I always get nostalgic when we start to gear up for a new school year. *sniff*

Stepping in the right direction

I went ahead and filled out my “application for readmission” to the part-time classroom studies program here at UNC, so that I can take a class in the fall. I usually wait until the last minute, but this time I decided I would get a head start so that I can make sure I have all my “ducks in a row” before classes begin.

So, a small step, but a significant one, as it is one that must precede all the others.

…

In other news, my chorus hired a new music director. The chorus founder stepped down in January 2007, and for the spring semester we had a guest conductor, who happens to be the conductor of my former chorus. In the meantime, the search committee was busy interviewing candidates and deciding who to audition. Twelve folks applied, and we auditioned four in the end. There was really only one of those I was dead set against – the conductor of my former chorus. I just wasn’t keen on the idea of having her as a music director again.

The person who was hired for the position was my second favorite after the interviews, and might well have been my first pick if he were female. Seriously, though, he’s extremely talented and enthusiastic, and I think it will be quite enjoyable to sing under him, albeit very different, as we’re not used to having a male director.

I will say one thing – he must be very confident in his abilities to apply for the position of music director of a women’s chorus, and particularly a women’s chorus like this one. I don’t know that I’ve ever been in a group that had so many strong and outspoken women in it! I suppose it is indicative of the kind of community we live in here in Chapel Hill, but even so…

So much to do before fall, and though the summer hasn’t officially started, it feels like it’s already slipping away!

Figuring it out

I’m faced with some decisions now – decisions that could affect my future significantly. Not that all decisions, even the seemingly minor ones, don’t affect your future in some way, but these decisions will affect my future in a more obvious way. Some things on my mind: Do I apply to nursing school now? Do I postpone applying and, once again, go after my true desire – to go to medical school? Do I continue on in the same job while I make these decisions? If I choose plan (B), the med school route, how do I pay for it? Also, what’s my plan for dealing with my next depressive episode, should there be one, since quitting is not an option, but neither is doing poorly in my coursework?

I had a good therapy session last night. I wasn’t sure what my therapist’s take on my change in life plans would be, as we have talked at length about reasons why it would be particularly difficult for me to become a physician. I started by telling her that now that it is time to apply to nursing school, I, um, don’t really want to apply. I don’t particularly want to go to nursing school. I think being a nurse would make me happier than I am in my current career, but it’s not really my life’s ambition. My therapist said, “No, you want to go to medical school.” And she’s exactly right.

We talked about some of the possibilities – how to finish my prerequisites (two semesters of inorganic and three semesters of organic chemistry, and two semesters of physics, perhaps another semester of biology), how to pay for all of this crazy stuff, how to stay motivated while I go through the paces.

Then I made the statement that I didn’t think I could choose a more difficult path for me to take than becoming a physician, and she said, “I disagree.” I said, “Okay…” and she said, “I think that if you continued on in your current profession, it would be more difficult for you, because you would be unhappy. If you are still doing your current job in five years, that would be hard for you – harder than trying to go to medical school.”

I replied, “Good point. I hadn’t thought of it like that.”

So, for the next three or so years, while I’m trying to finish my med school prerequisites, I’m going to continue telling myself, “This isn’t as hard as not trying would be…”