Trying to not freak the f*&% out.

Anxiety level is through the roof again. I’m trying hard to not freak out about every. single. thing. but I’m, um, having a hard time not freaking out. I wish I could blog truly anonymously right now, but even though almost no one reads my blog, it would be just my luck that I’d write the wrong thing and the wrong person would read it, and, well…

I’m limiting my news exposure because the news is all bad. It’s really really depressing. I’m focusing on my furbabies, and they are keeping me going right now. I’m terrified of getting laid off and have no earthly idea how I will deal if I do. The financial situation at work seems to be getting worse. I want to go back to school, but can’t right now. I’m afraid I will have to move at the end of May, and I don’t know where I’m going to go or how the hell I’m going to pay for it. I need to have Puddin’s teeth cleaned, and it’s high on my priority list, even if some people think it shouldn’t be.  It’s going to be expensive, but I had Penny’s teeth cleaned last year and Puddin’s cleaning is long overdue. I had to have my car serviced, to the tune of $515, and Pud’s cleaning is next up on the list of things I have to do. I know it probably makes more sense financially to hold onto whatever money I’ve got coming in, but I also am committed to taking care of my babies the best I can, and at this point, not getting her teeth cleaned is not an option. Her teeth are in pretty bad shape, and a cleaning will add to the quality of, and possibly the length of, her life.

So, freaking out and trying to not freak out. Trying to keep my head on straight. Trying to believe that things will work out for the good and not the bad. Trying to take everything one day at a time and stop looking at the big picture, because the big picture is overwhelming. Trying to remember to breathe. 

And trying to stop being a fortune teller when I have no way of telling the future. None of us know what’s going to happen tomorrow or next week or next year. I have GOT to stop worrying about those things I have no control over. I have to let it go and do the best I can with what I know and what I have.

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here’s hoping you have the most exhilarating, romantic, wild, sweet, loving, snuggly, affectionate, breath-taking, sexy, delightful, delicious, arousing, kissable, luscious, fascinating, electrifying, chocolate-filled Valentine’s Day EV-AR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(ignore the retching sounds in the background…)

Sunshine and roses. Sunshine and roses, dammit!

I’m working hard today to keep a happy face and not let petty stupid little shit bother me. I won’t even specify what it is that’s bothering me, apart from saying that it deals with a supposed friend who appears to talk out of both sides of her mouth, and if you’re reading this, you’re likely not the supposed friend to whom I’m referring.

Truth is, I do feel good – better than I have in a long time – but I’m not immune to feeling hurt regarding certain wounds that run deep. My old reaction would have been to let the hurt fester, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to take that track now.

Approaching the person wouldn’t make anything better, as I don’t know that she’s even cognizant of how her actions are hurtful toward me, or, if she is, I’m not sure that she would really be able to change them. I’m not sure she has that kind of insight, and the fact that she battles mental illness doesn’t make it any easier.

At the mo’, I’m being quite pleasant and friendly toward her when we interact, but I don’t trust her as far as I can throw her. I did trust her at one time, but she lost my trust through a series of events, and I don’t know that she could ever do anything to regain it. I don’t think she’s an inherently bad person or anything, but I don’t think she makes very good choices regarding her life, and I don’t think she sees how her decisions impact those around her.

So, I will continue to keep my distance.

As for the hurt – I can’t control her actions, but I have some control over my reaction, and, frankly, the whole thing is not worth getting really upset over. I think it does speak to the kind of person she is, that she’s making the decisions she’s making, and, well, I refuse to allow myself to get caught up in the drama involved, or to let her know that her actions are hurtful to me. I won’t give her that power.

…

I started writing this post earlier today, and at the time I was feeling a little bummed … but now I’m okay again.  I’m amazed at how much easier I’m finding it to change my thinking patterns these days. I told my therapist last night that it all seems so much simpler now, and that I seem to have found a calmness in regards to my life. Not that there aren’t still some ups and downs, but I’m better able to keep them in perspective and not get bogged down with the details that troubled me in the past.

We also talked about my career plans, and she suggested that I change my statements from “when I go to medical school,” to “when I finish med school” or “when I become a physician.” A part of my brain finds it a bit presumptuous to make such a definitive statement, but the new me (ha!) knows – absolutely knows - that I’m going to reach the goal, even though the road to get there has been and likely will be longer and curvier than I could have anticipated.

If you want to read a good (and fairly brief) article on reaching your goals, check out this one from the May 2007 issue of Real Simple magazine. I found it pretty inspiring. My favorite part, about a woman who decided she wanted to go to law school at the age of 47:

When Michelle announced she was applying to law school, her husband was completely shocked. “Are you kidding?” he said. “Do you know how old you’ll be when you graduate? Fifty!”

“I’ll be 50 anyway,” she replied.

The next time I wonder (or am questioned about) if I’m too old to be doing this whole crazy med school prep thing, I’m going to remind myself that one day, hopefully, I’ll be 40 … and I can either be 40 and be a doctor or I can be 40 and not be a doctor.

Somehow that makes the whole decision seem so much clearer, doesn’t it?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

While one of the reasons for starting this new blog is to reinforce the positive changes I’m making in my life, don’t be concerned that I’ll start being all sunshine and roses and rainbows. In fact, the blog title is meant to be a bit tongue in cheek.

However, I did have an epiphany (I love that word) last night that might just end up being a significant turning point in my life. The thing about significant turning points in ones life is that you’re the only one who can get there, and you can only do it on your own. People can tell you many things, make many observations, about your life, and many of those may turn out to be accurate…but if you can’t see it for yourself, it’s pretty damn irrelevant.

The things I thought about last night would probably not come as a surprise to anyone who knows me. Things like how I seem to make my life harder than it has to be, and how I seem to get too caught up in the details of life and forget to just live.

Other things that occurred to me last night:

1. I need to figure out what my passion is and do it. No excuses, no timelines, just go for it. I think I know what my passion is, but it’s a terrifying prospect. However, I don’t know that I really have a choice in the matter. I think, ultimately, it’s meant to be.

2. I need to stop planning my life around things that may never happen. I often find myself thinking, “Well, but I can’t do that, because it might interfere with my having children.” I may never give birth, or perhaps I will. I’ve always planned to adopt, and I can do that when I’m a bit older if necessary. I don’t know what the future will bring. Right now, it’s just me and the furbabies (as far as creatures I’m responsible for), and I need to make plans with that in mind and stop thinking about the “what ifs.”

3. Life is not a race. It’s not a competition. The joy of others doesn’t have to make me feel less by comparison. I’ve struggled with this for a long time – when something good would happen for someone close to me, especially if it was something I had hoped to achieve, I inevitably started to feel sorry for myself. Not that I wasn’t happy for the person, but I was sad for me. But I forget to remember (ha!) that I have good things in my life in different ways, and that many of those things/people wouldn’t be in my life if I had made different choices up until this point. So, no regrets. Today is a new day. No more feeling sorry for what I don’t have, only working toward what I hope to achieve.

So, yeah, seven or so years of therapy later, and I’m only starting to figure some of these things out. Actually, I shouldn’t say that – these are things that I could have told you before, but I didn’t believe they applied to me. That’s quite often the case, that we don’t take our own advice, that we expect different things of ourselves than we do of others, that we can see the joy in others’ lives but not in our own.

But there are so many good things in my life, and so many things that I don’t know about that lie in my future. I feel like life is passing me by – time to get moving.