So sad…

Jani’s at the mercy of her mind – a story about a 6-year-old girl with schizophrenia. I can’t imagine what it must be like for her and her parents, but my heart goes out to their family.

Anxiety level: high

Not sure what’s going on, but my anxiety level is, um, a little elevated at the moment. It feels like the “fight or flight” response – heart pounding, on edge, shaky, freaking out. I’m trying to not let it take over, but I can’t say I’m doing a very good job.

This morning I actually felt pretty good. Upbeat and in control. Right now … not so much. Not that I’m out of control, because, well, I’m sitting here typing, aren’t I? But all this worry is running through my head. Racing. And I have this feeling of doom that has settled on me once again.

Wish I had therapy tonight so I could discuss it while I was in the midst of feeling this way. Naturally, tomorrow night when I do have therapy, I’ll probably feel fine.

Sadness decendeth.

So many things I would write, if this blog were anonymous. I have, in the past, started other blogs that were anonymous so that I could write all the things that are going through my head without any of it getting me in trouble. I guess I could do private posts on my blog, or write in a journal, but part of what makes blog writing cathartic at times is the chance that someone will read what you wrote.

Suffice it to say that my mood doesn’t seem to be improving. It’s affecting every area of my life right now, including my ability to get anything done that needs to be done.

Something in my life needs to change. This happens periodically, I know, as I live in what seems a perpetual state of “not-good-enoughness.”

Part of my problem right now could change, but I’m not sure how to make that happen or even if it would actually make things better.  I’m afraid I’m waiting for things to change through the actions of others, when it would likely make more sense to make things change through my own actions.

Easier said than done. Especially when my meds aren’t working properly and my brain isn’t cooperating and I feel so damn sad and tearful all the time.

I’m taking things WAY too personally right now. Even things that aren’t personal are personal to me.  I assume that people are upset with me if they are just being quiet. I assume that they are talking about me if they’re whispering. I assume that if things are going wrong, it’s all my fault. I know logically that I have no proof about whether these things are true or not, but I’m just paranoid enough to spend time worrying about them.

Thing is, I don’t know how to talk myself out of those thoughts. Knowing logically that “it’s the depression talking” and that my thinking is skewed doesn’t make it feel any less real. Even finding out for sure that these things aren’t true (like if I ask someone if they are upset with me and they tell me that they’re not) doesn’t make it better. I assume the person isn’t being honest with me. And not knowing for sure if someone is angry or upset with me is somehow easier to deal with than knowing for sure that someone is angry or upset with me. In one scenario, there’s the possibility that I am mistaken, in the other it’s a certain fact. And I’m not sure I can deal with certain negative facts at the moment.

As my therapist said, I don’t have much protection around me right now. I’m feeling very fragile. It sucks. I don’t like being fragile. I wish I could discuss serious things without crying. I wish I could deal with bad news without falling apart.

Why on earth can’t I just be happy?

Didn’t sleep well last night. Woke up with a headache. Of course.

My nerves are on edge. I’m irritable as all get-out.  I tried to cook breakfast, burned it, lost it totally. Well, almost. Now I’m still hungry, but I don’t feel like attempting to cook something else. Would just go grab a bite somewhere, but it’s almost 10:30 and I haven’t showered, and my jeans are in the wash, and I don’t have anything clean to wear even if I showered, and….

I have no holiday spirit, no motivation to do anything at all, I just want to go back to bed and cry and stay there all weekend, and possibly until January.

Yes, I’m having my own little pity party.

I’m hoping that the new meds will kick in soon, but I don’t really expect them to work.

Now to decide if I can be sociable today. Supposed to take Andrew to an adoption event. Should stay there with him, but I may just drop him off and go back for him later.

Completely out of sorts

I stayed home sick today. Haven’t felt good since last night. Not sure if it’s a true stomach bug or something I ate, but either way, it hasn’t been a fun day.

I slept a lot today too. Finally got out of bed this afternoon at about 4 p.m. I still don’t feel very good.

Worse yet, my mood seems to have bottomed out. I’m really hoping it’s a temporary state of being, because right now, I don’t even want to talk to anyone because I’m afraid I’ll snap at them for no reason. I feel like screaming. I feel like crying. It has happened so fast, that I feel pretty sure it’s temporary, and I don’t know what I would do if it wasn’t. My doc wants to try MAOIs if things get bad again and, frankly, I really don’t want to have to go there.

Creative burst

I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’m feeling more creative and (gasp) energetic lately. Well, energetic in the evenings anyway – still can hardly get out of bed in the mornings.

Okay, perhaps energetic isn’t the right word. Awake…yes, awake is the right word. I’m awake during the day and in the evenings. Which, for me, is a change.

Anyway, I’ve actually started crocheting again. Working on Christmas presents right now, but want to do some Christmas ornaments as well. So many ideas, so little time. Also working on some fundraising ideas for Independent Animal Rescue, though it’s looking likely that we’ll get the $10,000 prize in the America’s Favorite Shelter contest. $10,000 will save about 100 cats and dogs, but the contest also generated interest from potential foster homes, so we may be growing some more as well!

Back to the creativity thing, though – I’m actually doing some graphic design at work that I like. This is rare for me. Often others will like my designs but I will hate them. This either means that I’m getting better, or I’m getting less judgmental of my design.

Sorry to jump all over the place with this post (do I always do this? goodness.) but just trying to get my ideas out there.

I’ve started crocheting a “prayer shawl” for my paternal grandmother for Christmas. I don’t really pray, but the idea is nice. I figure the love that goes into it will be as effective as prayer would be, or perhaps more so. I’m also working on a crocheted felted cat bed, just because I want to.  I found a pattern, too, for bath poofs that can be made out of cotton yarn, and it’s both pretty basic and pretty cute. I foresee lots of bath poofs with shower gel for cousins this Christmas. As long as I stay motivated, that is.

The fundraiser idea I’m working on for IAR involves a “remembrance tree” for pet memorials. The idea is that people will make a donation for an ornament to be placed on a tree either in honor or in memory of a four-legged family member. I found the idea online and think that it also meets the criteria of paying tribute to my poor lost babies. I’ve long wanted to do something to honor their memory and raise money for IAR at the same time, so here we go.

Maybe it’s the Obama presidency, the feeling that the majority of Americans really do care about others, the hope involved in all of it…I dunno. Maybe it’s just that the drugs are working. Whatever it is, I hope it lasts.

Dreams denied…

Haven’t blogged in a while – just haven’t felt much up to blogging.

Things are…tough right now. Not a lot to say about that other than I’m working on it.

Gotta find some joy in my life somewhere. Not much at the mo’.

Shifting meds around. Started Deplin (L-methylfolate). Not sure if it’s doing anything or not. Dropped Luvox. Lowered Lamictal. I don’t feel as foggy, but the mood is still declining. It’s only been since Friday, though. Will probably call the shrink today and find out if there’s something else we should be doing.

I do like the new shrink, though, which is a bonus. He seems to be pretty smart and has lots of ideas about things to do. Might be a good thing that my old shrink moved away. I think he was out of ideas anyway.

Have decided to drop my classes/withdraw from school. “Withdraw from school” sounds so drastic, but as I was only taking one class and a lab, and as I was/am a post-bacc student, it’s really not that drastic. Just too tired to function right now. Can’t spend enough time studying to do well. I’m wiped out after work in the evenings and the weekends … what energy I do have isn’t sufficient to study and prepare for my classes. So, I’m backing out. I’m not sure of what else to do.

And really, that’s kind of the position I’m in anyway – I don’t know what else to do. I can’t see myself still sitting behind a desk 10 years from now. I feel like things are stagnant, and I’m not sure what to do about it. Right now, I suppose, I need to just focus on getting my brain and body healthier and less stressed.

What the hell is taking so long?????

In June, I had two sleep studies. The first study was to see if I had a sleep disorder (I do), and the second study was to try me on CPAP (Continuous Positive Airway Pressure) therapy and find what air pressure was needed to alleviate my sleep apnea.

The second sleep study was on JUNE 28.

I still don’t have a CPAP machine.

I had an appointment a couple of weeks ago to get a machine, and, at about 10 minutes prior to my appointment, they called to let me know that they had not gotten insurance approval for the machine, as my doc had changed the prescription to BiPAP (Bilevel Positive Airway Pressure) therapy, as I was having trouble exhaling with the CPAP on, even at the low level of pressure I need.

BiPAPs are more expensive, so, naturally, the insurance company didn’t want to cover it. As I didn’t get notification that I wasn’t going to be able to get a BiPAP that day until 10 minutes before my appointment, as I was DRIVING OVER THERE after leaving work early to get there, I went to the appointment anyway and they told me what I would have to do to get insurance to approve a BiPAP instead of a CPAP. The process includes using a CPAP for a month and not benefiting from the therapy, and then having a THIRD sleep study to titrate my levels on a BiPAP.

Ridiculous.

I called my psychiatrist, who was the one that ordered the study in the first place, and we decided that we would just revert back to the CPAP and hope that I was able to get used to it. If not, then we’d push for BiPAP machine approval. He said he’d call the sleep clinic and let them know.

Apparently, that didn’t happen.

They called me about setting up another appointment to get my machine, and I asked if they had gotten approval yet.

They hadn’t. They said they’d contact my pdoc.

They called me again to let me know that they still hadn’t heard from my pdoc and they had faxed paperwork to him and called him, to no avail. They said they paged him, and no answer. I recommended that they contact my general practitioner to get the prescription, as my pdoc clearly isn’t acting as my doctor anymore (thanks for the notice, doc!). I gave them my GP’s info. Her office is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER from theirs. It’s a fairly well-known practice. This shouldn’t be an issue.

I set up an appointment for tomorrow (8/13 – a month and a half since my second sleep study), and they said they’d contact my GP.

So, I called this afternoon to make sure they had actually gotten the insurance approval this time, before I, you know, drove all the way to their office (~25 minutes in moderate traffic) tomorrow evening.

The woman I spoke with told me that they hadn’t heard back from my psychiatrist.

Ummm…I had already discussed that issue with the person I spoke with last week. You guys were going to contact my GP.

She says, “Oh, Dr. M M?  I see that on here, but I don’t have anything that shows that we’d heard from her. I’ll have to check and make sure we were able to get in contact with her. Can I call you back tomorrow and let you know?”

So, I turned around and called my GP’s office regarding the whole damn issue. Left a message for the nurse, who promptly returned my phone call and is checking with my GP regarding whether she’s heard from the sleep clinic. I told the nurse that I was happy to make an appointment to see Dr. M if I needed to in order to get a prescription for CPAP therapy. She’s going to call me back tomorrow.

Classes begin next week. I need to be able to start CPAP therapy sooner rather than later so that I’ll know if I can tolerate it and if it’s going to help, and I was really hoping that some of my sleep issues would be at least partially resolved before classes started. I guess I was hoping for too much.

I’ve got an appointment with a new psychiatrist toward the end of August, though I have no idea if he’ll be any good, though my therapist thinks highly of him. I loved my old psychiatrist, but then he moved to Charlotte and I guess he is too wrapped up in his own stuff to deal with long distance patients. Despite telling me that it wouldn’t be an issue.

My GP doesn’t want to try to manage my depression stuff because I have quite a history of being rather treatment-resistant and my meds are somewhat complicated (no where near as bad as they have been, though!). I don’t blame her, and I would prefer a good psych-med doc for that anyway. Wish they had true psychopharmacologists here, but I don’t know of any, and lots of the docs around here want to do both therapy and med management. I don’t need another therapist, just a doc that knows the meds inside and out.

So, I’m stuck. If things work out with the new pdoc, that will be great and I’ll be less stuck. But many of my physical complaints (fatigue, headaches, etc.) have been going on for so long, with no luck at figuring them out, and, well, I’d just like to find a doc who could at least have a fresh approach to the situation and an actual interest in trying to get to the bottom of it all…

God I’m tired.

Yawn. And stuff.

Almost 11 p.m.

I should have been in bed and asleep an hour ago, at least! After not sleeping well again last night.

Taking the kittehs to a Petsmart adoption event tomorrow. Hopefully they’ll be successful with finding new homes. I’m ready for them to go – especially Wink, as I’m growing more and more attached to her! She follows me around the apartment, sleeps right beside me, and, of course, still loves her Neville.

Not to mention that she’s about as cute as she could be. She’s becoming a beautiful cat. Still petite and dainty, but definitely growing now. She’s a sweetie-pie. (And speak of the Wink…she just got up in the chair beside me and is watching me blog about her.

But – I can’t keep her. I can’t can’t can’t. Nope. Can’t have so many pets. Wouldn’t be able to rescue anymore if I kept her. So, I can’t keep her.

Not feeling so attached to Casey. He’s still pretty standoffish and skittish, and I’m a little worried about how he’ll do tomorrow at the event. I’m pretty ready for him to go, but he’ll probably take longer to rehome, because he’s not so cuddly.

I want to get him a spot in the adoption center at either Petsmart or Petco so he can get more accustomed to contact from different people and, hopefully, get over being so skittish. I don’t think getting a spot will be difficult, but I don’t know how much it will help.

Anyway…

—————

Still past time to go to bed. Yet, here I sit.

My grandmother was supposed to be moved to a rehab facility today for further recovery from her knee replacement surgery. I spoke with her last night and she sounded a bit better, but still drugged up from painkillers. I know she needs the painkillers, but it’s upsetting to hear how out of it and forgetful she is when she’s taking them. I’ll be glad when they can cut back on her dose. I know she will.

Told her to tell someone to let me know the phone number at the rehab place, but, of course, I haven’t heard a word. She may not have remembered to tell anyone, but I would think my great aunts or my uncle would call me. Ah well…I call someone tomorrow and find out.

—————–

So tired.

I’m doing okay these days, except for being so damned tired all the time. I wish I was sleeping better, but I’m just not. I wish the CPAP thing would get worked out, but it hasn’t. I wish I didn’t have to fight with insurance over everything. I actually got an “explanation of benefits” from Blue Cross Blue Shield for one of the sleep studies, and they were billed for $4,500. Yes, four thousand, five hundred dollars. Guess how much they said (as of now) they’re reimbursing? $172.26.

I’m not kidding. That would be one HUNDRED seventy two and some change. Less than two hundred dollars for a $4,500 bill.

Mind you, I have the PPO PLUS plan. The highest coverage they offer. I could have opted for the standard plan, which is completely covered by my employer, but I pay some out-of-pocket premium to get more coverage, as I’ve had a lot of medical expenses in the past few years.

Guess what? It’s not benefiting me. AT ALL. My therapist and psychiatrist are out-of-network, so they only cover them at a small percentage of the contracted amount (the amount they think my therapist and psychiatrist should charge). The benefits booklet is entirely misleading, as it says I am responsible for 30%. The reality is that they will cover 70% of what they think should be charged, and I am responsible for the rest. In the case of my therapist, whose session rate is $120 (she’s a Ph.D.), they think she should only be paid about $75 a session, and they will only cover 70% of that, or about $52. Of a $120 bill. Needless to say, I’m losing money.

They want me to switch therapists. She was covered under the other insurance policy, though, when we had an indemnity plan. That was one reason I chose her. But it hurts her financially to be in the BCBS PPO network, and I don’t blame her for not doing it. It’s pretty much impossible for anyone who is in a private practice or small practice to be a member of a PPO, if they want to make enough money to stay afloat.

So, I work for the state of North Carolina, which used to have pretty good benefits, if sucky salaries, and now we have sucky salaries and sucky benefits. The mental health benefits suffered more than most areas, which isn’t unexpected, but it is so frustrating. The humorous part is that my general practitioner, who is one of only two docs I see who are in network (the other being my gynecologist), won’t manage my psych meds. Because they are too complex. But when I tried to find an in-network pdoc to manage them, I found a woman who just wanted to do therapy and wasn’t very knowledgeable about the meds.

So, I’m still working with my old psychiatrist. But it’s getting frustrating.

I have an appointment soon with a doc he used to be in practice with, another “neuropsychiatrist” and, believe it or not, he’s in the network…supposedly. Guess I’ll find out week after next.

—————

Okay…almost 11:30 p.m., and I’m still sitting. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m so exhausted, but don’t want to go to bed. I’m going to regret it in the morning. But I have to get up and get ready for the event. I need to clean house and do laundry and wash dishes. I need to drop of my rent payment and pay bills online and try to figure out my finances, which aren’t looking so good these days. I want to do some sewing this weekend, and maybe some crocheting, and I’d like to finish the second Narnia book, which isn’t much of a challenge, as the books aren’t very thick and aren’t heavy reading, but it’s a matter of sitting still long enough to read, focus on reading, and stay awake while reading. Dammit.

News is going off. I need to hit the sack. ‘Nite.

Because people need another reason to be afraid of mental illness…

This article was linked to another about college admissions on the US News & World Report web site:
Should I Mention Depression on My College Application? Colleges scrutinize applications from troubled students more closely

The headline here oversimplifies the subject matter of the article, which is the fear among college admissions officers that another VT shooter will slip through the admissions process. A reasonable fear, one might argue.

But since when does depressed=homicidal? I’m sorry, but I think that the vast majority of depressed individuals are more suicidal than homicidal! If the desire is to kill other people, perhaps there’s another issue larger than depression going on. Granted, I’m no psychiatrist (yet), but my personal experience with depression, both my own and that of people I’ve known, is that it is more of an inward-focused illness rather than an outward-focused illness, which is part of the problem.

Should colleges stop worrying about students with mental illness? Should they ignore it? No, absolutely not. But denying admission to someone with a mental illness, especially one as common as depression, is not the way to deal with the problem either. Yes, there are mental illnesses that make it nearly impossible for the person with the illness to function in society, but those are not the norm, they are the exception. Mental illness is widespread and runs the gamut from mild to severe, and the vast majority of those with some form of mental illness are able to be productive members of society, even if they require a little assistance to get there.

Would the better option be to deny those with mental illness the right to get an education and become self-supporting? Would it be better to deny those with mental illness to the right to pursue their own dreams and seek out their own happiness? Jeesh.

Let’s keep the mentally ill from having rights anywhere near those of “normal” people (ha!) and see how that improves life for everyone. I’m certain that preventing people from having the chance to become productive members of society will eliminate the possibility of future bombings and shooting rampages and the like. Absolutely.

But not on this planet.