Dreams denied…

Haven’t blogged in a while – just haven’t felt much up to blogging.

Things are…tough right now. Not a lot to say about that other than I’m working on it.

Gotta find some joy in my life somewhere. Not much at the mo’.

Shifting meds around. Started Deplin (L-methylfolate). Not sure if it’s doing anything or not. Dropped Luvox. Lowered Lamictal. I don’t feel as foggy, but the mood is still declining. It’s only been since Friday, though. Will probably call the shrink today and find out if there’s something else we should be doing.

I do like the new shrink, though, which is a bonus. He seems to be pretty smart and has lots of ideas about things to do. Might be a good thing that my old shrink moved away. I think he was out of ideas anyway.

Have decided to drop my classes/withdraw from school. “Withdraw from school” sounds so drastic, but as I was only taking one class and a lab, and as I was/am a post-bacc student, it’s really not that drastic. Just too tired to function right now. Can’t spend enough time studying to do well. I’m wiped out after work in the evenings and the weekends … what energy I do have isn’t sufficient to study and prepare for my classes. So, I’m backing out. I’m not sure of what else to do.

And really, that’s kind of the position I’m in anyway – I don’t know what else to do. I can’t see myself still sitting behind a desk 10 years from now. I feel like things are stagnant, and I’m not sure what to do about it. Right now, I suppose, I need to just focus on getting my brain and body healthier and less stressed.

End of the weekend.

Accomplished pretty much nothing at all today. Between having a headache all day and my back preventing me from doing the most basic of tasks, if such tasks require bending over even a little bit, today was just a wash out.

Which, frankly, was not what I needed.

Essie didn’t eat much of anything today. I debated taking her out of quarantine, as she still doesn’t seem sick and I’m thinking her problem is likely stress/loneliness/boredom/depression? But, as her blood work results are supposed to be in tomorrow, I figured I would hold off until I know for sure she’s not sick.

If her blood work comes back good, I’ll take her out of quarantine tomorrow. Poor baby. I did get her to eat a little bit of boiled chicken tonight, but she didn’t even touch the prescription a/d cat food the vet sent home nor did she taste the chicken baby food last night.

She also hasn’t touched the dry food AT ALL nor has she pooped even once since I’ve had her home. But her belly isn’t distended and the vet didn’t think she had an intestinal blockage. When she tried to get a fecal sample, there was nothing to sample.

I may have to get her some subcutaneous fluids tomorrow if she still doesn’t eat. I’ll give her some more boiled chicken in the morning, if she’ll take it, and try her on some more a/d cat food, which she liked at first. Sigh.

——————-

Anyway, tomorrow is day two of Research Fair for our grad students. We have a fair-sized class this year, and they seem like a good bunch for the most part. I need to get up early tomorrow and get to work, um, on time? so I’m heading to bed soon. Hopefully, despite my headache, I’ll be able to sleep.

Hopefully I won’t have to deal with the asshole neighbors again tonight. Things are, for now, fairly quiet.

Classes begin Tuesday morning and my CHEM 101 prof is, let’s just say, enthusiastic. Very enthusiastic. The class is going to be a lot of work, and sometime between now and Tuesday morning at 8 a.m. (ha!) I’ve got to find time to read Chapter 1 in my text and review the stuff he’s putting online tomorrow morning.

Of course, I’ll probably be working late tomorrow because of Research Fair. And I have to attempt to get adequate sleep so that I can focus in class Tuesday morning.

What the hell am I thinking doing this? Trying to remind myself of what my therapist said – it would be harder to not try. Harder to give up than to give it my all.

I surely hope she’s right, and that it will all be worth it in the end. Guess I’ll know sooner rather than later.

Going public…

I don’t exactly hide my blog from those who know me, or my real identity from those who read my blog, but I’ve long been wary of attaching my last name to this blog. Some popular bloggers are pretty good about keeping their identities under wraps, and others don’t bother.

I try to remember to never post things that I wouldn’t be okay with anyone who knows me reading. I don’t want to hurt the feelings of others, so I do hold back at times. I don’t want to share too much in the way of work stresses here, because it’s not the place. I do talk a lot about my battle with depression, my pets, my classes and career goals, and so forth. I don’t talk as much as I’d like about current events and controversial topics, mainly because I’m not an every-day blogger and, well, much of what I have to say about those things are being said better by other people. Still, if I feel strongly about an issue, I’m not afraid to speak out about it on my blog (and, well, just about anywhere else!).

At the same time, it’s not like I’ve sent out my blog address to everyone I know, especially family members. It goes without saying, and I’m sure they wouldn’t be surprised to read it, that I disagree with much of what my family believes. Both sides of my family are pretty conservative and fairly religious. I am neither religious nor remotely conservative. And I’m okay with that, but I don’t think they are, at least when faced with the reality of my beliefs. So, I don’t broadcast my blog, not that I truly think they would read it anyway!

But, I think, perhaps, maybe, it’s time that I drop all pretense and stop trying to guard against people I know finding my blog. I’m fairly active both on Flickr and on Facebook, and I don’t have my blog linked to my profile in either place. I don’t have any good reason for linking it now, other than to increase my readership (ha!), but I have no good reason for hiding it either.

SO – if you know me in real life and can tolerate my wordiness, consider yourself warned. I may not be the person you think I am, or, for better or worse, I may be exactly the person you think I am.

Protected: Losing myself.

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232

Happy birthday to my country. It’s always easy to remember how old the US is, having been born in the bicentennial year.

It’s such an odd predicament, I think, being a US citizen these days, an odd predicament because I’m at times (many many times) so ashamed of our current government, but there are so many things I’m proud of as well.

On tonight’s World News Tonight (ABC), the person of the week was a man who had served in WWII, and earned the Bronze Star. I couldn’t help but cry, couldn’t help but think of my grandfather, who served in WWII and Korea. He had two Purple Hearts, and lost his older brother in WWII, at Iwo Jima.

I feel like my country has gone so far astray from the ideals for which it claims to stand. I feel like there’s so much separation amongst political parties and belief systems, that we aren’t truly “united.”

It is something I envy about my grandmother’s generation. Regardless of the reasons, the people of her generation were proud of being Americans. They honored the flag. They knew the national anthem. They recited the Pledge of Allegiance in school. They had patriotism.

Is patriotism a good thing? I think that it is, to a degree, but not when patriotism is confused with being religious or pro-war or anti-immigration. I don’t think patriotism has to mean those things, and I think that’s the direction our government has taken during my lifetime. I find it frustrating, because it makes me not want to identify myself as patriotic. I don’t want to be seen as close-minded.

I know that part of the reason behind the strong patriotism of my grandmother’s generation was a lack of information. There was no internet, no easy way to read the current thoughts and beliefs of those in other parts of the world. There was an expectation that one was Christian, except if you were Jewish. There wasn’t anything else, for the most part, as far as Americans were concerned. There was pervasive racism. My family is white, and although my grandmother’s family grew up poor, they still had the benefit of being white in a time when being anything else was looked down upon, or pitied.

But I think there’s an opportunity for a new kind of patriotism today. The US has long been called “The Great Melting Pot” – why can’t we be that once again? Why can’t we stand for acceptance of differences?

I know that our forefathers weren’t all that accepting of differences – they just wanted to be free of England and its oppression. Then they colonized this land and set up their own form of oppression. But, the words – the words from first amendment to the United States Constitution – why can’t we live them?

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Yes, the founding fathers were Christians. Yes, when they referred to “no law respecting an establishment of religion” they weren’t thinking of atheism. “God” was a given. They certainly didn’t foresee the challenges of religion this country would face 232 years later. For them, it was Protestant or Catholic. One or the other.

Again, the words, from the Declaration of Independence – why is it so difficult to not see that they should still apply, and not just to select people, but to every man, woman and child? And not just Americans, but citizens of other nations as well?

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

I find it very interesting that the Declaration of Independence explains what so many Americans today have a difficult time understanding – perhaps because they’ve never read or studied it properly? If applied to our current society (as opposed to only white men, as was largely the case when it was drafted)…

• Humans have a RIGHT to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness – rights that are to be safeguarded by the Governments of their respective countries.
• The power of Government to safeguard these rights are granted to the Government by the people who are being governed.
• If a Government fails to use its power in the way granted by governed, i.e. if the Government becomes destructive toward the governed and fails to safeguard these “unalienable rights” or, indeed, infringes upon these rights itself, it is the RIGHT of the governed people to alter or abolish such Government, so as to reestablish the safeguarding of their rights.
• The altering or abolition of a current Government isn’t something to be taken lightly by the governed, but is still a RIGHT all the same. (Here, the authors indicate that people are more likely to put up with suffering than to change the status quo, as is typical human nature.) If things get bad enough, it is the RIGHT of the governed to overthrow the Government.

One could say that it is not merely the RIGHT of the people to alter or abolish a destructive Government, but the RESPONSIBILITY.

These words aren’t meant to apply to only a certain class of citizens – it is meant to apply TO ALL CITIZENS of the country – those who agree with the way things are going, and those who don’t. Christians and non-Christians. People of all races. All US citizens.

I’ll expand upon this idea at a later time.

Happy 232nd birthday to the United States of America. May the next 232 years bring us toward being a country of which everyone can be proud, a country which stands for true freedom and truly cares for its citizens, and the world.

Redundancy

Nothing nothing nothing.

Got my hopes up a bit when I got home tonight and one of the duplexes on my street had a “for rent” sign out front. Alas, no go. Not available until August, and $850/month, which, frankly, is ridiculous.

Emailed my shrink about being jittery and my mood continuing to head south. My hands are shaking so much, it’s hard to type. I keep making mistakes. Teeth are chattering too. It might be the Focalin, but I take it in the morning, and my tremor seems worse in the evening. I dunno.

So sleepy.

Work continues to be frustrating. Won’t say any more about that, as I don’t know who might come across it.

I want to go back to school. Not that I could focus right now.

Still nothing…

Talked to one landlady today – she said she “couldn’t work with that many animals.” I swear, I know that saying I have two dogs and a cat sounds like a lot, but, um, they are small dogs, and all three of my babies sleep in the bed with me every night. They aren’t a lot.

Ah well, I wasn’t excited about that place anyway.

Looked at another place tonight that would allow the pets, and it was soooo nice inside. Location is so-so, right off of S. Greensboro, so very close to Weaver Street/Carr Mill/Open Eye Cafe, but down the hill a bit, which I didn’t like. Also, not much yard (not really any yard…). But, wow, the inside – the guy who’s been renovating them has done a fantastic job. All new appliances, including washer and dryer, two bedrooms, hardwood floors that are real wood and that have just been refinished. Tile in the kitchen and bathroom. New HVAC system.

I hate to say it, but I’d almost be afraid to live there for fear of messing up those gorgeous floors. Sure, they look a little nicer than laminate, but man oh man is laminate ever easier to take care of…

Anyway, I’m pondering whether or not to fill out the application. I guess I will, but there’s a few people who’ve applied in front of me, so I’m not holding my breath. He only has two openings right now – some of the places are still being renovated.

Finally, I’m supposed to go see a place further down N. Greensboro St. from where I am. Pros – same landlord as I have now, so could probably just transfer my deposit. Nice sized yard. Two bedrooms, newish appliances, washer & dryer. Pets are OK. Still close to everything, even though a little further down the road than where I am now. Cons – downstairs part of a duplex, so I’d be living under someone. Probably not as many windows due to be downstairs. Maybe Pro, Maybe Con – utilities are included in the rent. Might benefit me in the winter, but probably not in the summer. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about keeping the thermostat set really low in the winter and freezing, unless they control it. Which would suck big time…

Weighed the pros and cons of moving to Wilmington with my therapist today, and decided that it doesn’t make sense financially because, even though I’d be getting rid of a traditional rent payment, I’d have to pay for health insurance, which, unfortunately, might end up costing me almost as much as rent. Not to mention that I’d have to pay tuition at UNCW. So, I’d need to be making almost as much as I’m making now for it work, and that’s highly unlikely.

So much stress. I need a second job, I think, at least for the summer. I don’t want to have to work on the weekend of June 14, though, because that’s my grandmother’s 80th birthday and I want to go to Wilmington. And once the summer is over, I’ll be tied down with work and classes, so no real time for a second job. But if I could make some extra money for the next couple of months, it would help. A bit, anyway.

Babies on the brain

I’ve been milling many posts around my head lately, but haven’t quite been able to see them through to fruition…ah well.

So, I’m reading a new book – Knock Yourself Up, by Louise Sloan. I would highly recommend it for any single woman who may be thinking about becoming a mom at some point in the future (particularly if you think you might use a sperm donor). It is well written, full of useful information, and hilarious to boot. They had it on the shelves at my local B&N, so it’s not one you would necessarily have to order to get.

Why am I reading a book about getting pregnant via a sperm donor? Because I’m trying to decide what path to take regarding becoming a mom. Because, well, I’m not getting any younger, people!

—————-

My best friend, S, went to the courthouse yesterday to file a petition to adopt her little one, the Peanut. She has had Peanut, as a foster child, since Peanut was an infant, and Peanut will be turning three in April. I went with her to the courthouse to file the petition, which turned out to be just turning in some papers and getting them notarized and paying a fee to the clerk of court to do all of that. We thought there would be more “court” involved in it, but there wasn’t. Anyway, she’s in the waiting phase now, but in about 90 days, the Peanut will be forever and always legally her daughter, which is the most awesome thing I can think of. It’s sort of a final thing now, but soon she’ll get a new birth certificate with S’s name listed as the mother.

To top it off, I get to play an extra-special-important part in the Peanut’s life, as Godmother. Not the Fairy Godmother, though, hey, I can dream! I was very honored when S asked me. I love that little girl more than I could ever have imagined I would love a child.

———————

So, I’m now trying to figure out what I want to do regarding my career plans and how I can work motherhood into that whole equation. Not sure yet how it’s going to happen, but it is something I want, and I just have to figure out what sacrifices I may have to make and what’s most important to me, since life has certainly not taken the path I intended, in most ways.

In fact, it seems that I’ve been totally off course since graduating from college, perhaps even since graduating from high school. Other than going to Carolina, where I knew I wanted to go to college, I’ve pretty much made decisions and had experiences that have lead me in a direction I haven’t always been happy with. Now I’m trying to get back on a track that will make me happy.

So many decisions to make, so much work to do, so little time to accomplish everything. Life is too damn short, I guess.

I don’t want to spend my working years in a career I don’t love, but I also don’t want to miss out on being a mom. I don’t have control, for the most part, over whether I will get married, as that involves the direct participation and decision of others… but I can make decisions about my career and chasing motherhood for the most part on my own.

I went to a foster parent orientation tonight. I’ve pondered foster parenting for a while now, but never felt I was in a position to do it. Always thought I would adopt one day, though my views on adoption (at least arranged domestic adoption) have changed significantly. Always thought that I would like to provide a home for a child who needed one. Is this the time? I don’t know – it will depend on what decisions I make regarding my career. But it may be.

I contacted the career coach at UNC’s alumni association today about making an appointment. I’m a member of the alumni association now, so I get a free first appointment with her, which may be all I need. I discuss these things with my therapist, of course, but would like a fresh perspective from someone who doesn’t actually know me and can be more objective. I can’t help but think that the advice from the many people in my life is very skewed by what they know about me personally. I’m more interested in seeing about the feasibility of what I want in life, rather than the emotional side of it. I’m the queen of self-doubt and I think I often get doubt as well from the people who know me best when I’m talking about my future plans. I know they mean well, know they are coming from the perspective of caring about me and worrying about me, but I also truly believe that I (a) have to find my passion and (b) shouldn’t have to settle for less than what I really want out of life. I’ve been through too much in my 31 years so far to not go after what will really make me happy.

Now to figure out what that is.

Some random thoughts, and some not-so-random thoughts.

My bathroom painting job is finished. Now I have to clean the tub, sink, floor and toilet, reorganize the linen closet, and go through/trash the crap I’m not gonna use/don’t need anymore/never liked anyway. THEN it will be done.

…

There was a bit of a mix-up with my cousin, A, and our plans this weekend. I shouldn’t say a mix-up, as it wasn’t really – it was more an issue of his having two idiots for parents, neither of whom seem to really want the kid, and neither of whom are willing to make even minor sacrifices to make his life a bit more enjoyable. His mother (my cousin M) called my grandmother and said that A’s father couldn’t bring him to her house for Nanny to pick him up there. A lives with his dad about 30 minutes outside of Wilmington, where my grandmother lives. Anyway, M asked Nanny if she could pick A up from his dad’s, to which Nanny replied that, no, she couldn’t, as (a) she wasn’t familiar with that town and so didn’t feel comfortable going there alone, and (b) why the hell couldn’t A’s dad bring him? M said it was because A’s dad didn’t have enough money for gas to get him to her house. Nanny asked M how A’s dad managed to move his girlfriend and her kids up here from Florida and how he’s supporting them, but he doesn’t have enough money for gas to get his son to her house, about 20 miles away?

Anyway, M called her father (my mom’s older brother) and he agreed to pick up his grandson and bring him to my grandmother’s house tonight. So, the plans for the weekend are still on. I’m going to make an evening of it with A on Friday night – taking him to see the HP 5 movie at Mayfaire 16 cinema in Wilmington, then perhaps for ice cream at Cold Stone, then on to Barnes & Noble until midnight, when we’ll get our books. I went ahead and ordered the movie tix online, in case it sells out, as there is only a couple of decent theatres in Wilmington, and only ONE B&N, which happens to be near the nicest theatre. So…

…

Speaking of HP 5 – my best friend, S, and I are going to go see it at IMAX in Raleigh weekend after next. Yes, I will have already seen the movie, as I knew no one else would take A to see it, but there’s nothing like that IMAX experience, and the last 20 minutes of the movie (the fight scene at the Ministry of Magic, I suspect) are in 3D. Should be very cool. I’m also just looking forward to hanging out with S.

…

Had therapy on Monday evening, and I didn’t know what to talk about, which has been a problem of late. I confessed that to my therapist, and she asked me questions about work, and about various other issues, and I told her that I just don’t feel as stressed about those things anymore. So, we actually started talking about cutting back on my sessions from weekly to every other week. She said we should probably keep therapy weekly for a little while longer, but if I’m still doing well after a while, we can cut back.

Which, of course, gave me lots of fodder for future therapy sessions. Because while I’m happy to be doing well enough that I don’t feel a dependence on therapy like I once did, it’s also a bit scary to think that the end might be drawing near. I can honestly say that, until very recently, I wasn’t sure if I would ever stop going to therapy. For nearly 9 years, I’ve gone to therapy, and the only time I missed weeks was when I had to out of necessity (like when insurance wouldn’t cover additional sessions, which happened with my former therapist). For the past 4.5 years, I’ve seen this therapist and I’ve seen her nearly every single week, minus a few vacations and holidays. The thought of not seeing her is, well, a bit frightening.

Not that she’s kicking me out or anything! But I really didn’t know I was going to get to this point, well, ever. And, while I know that cutting back doesn’t mean I can’t increase back up to weekly if need-be, it’s still a huge change, and a huge accomplishment. Which reminds me that I’m still not used to feeling quite mentally stable most of the time…

So, guess what I’ll be talking about in therapy on Monday?

…

Speaking of things that are stressful, Nanny relayed some news to me last night from my mother, who, for whatever reason, rarely calls me and rarely has time to talk when I call her. Anyway, apparently my father, who is a type 2 diabetic, was put on insulin this week by his doctor. It’s something that’s been a long time coming and, frankly, should have happened a long time ago! I’ve just assumed my dad had a death-wish, as he wasn’t doing a very good job of taking care of himself and his blood sugar levels were out of control. Both his father and his paternal uncle died at pretty young ages (in their 50s) and my dad turns 51 on Friday. Perhaps mortality is becoming more of a reality for him now?

Also, Nanny told me that my cousin C, the one with the charmed life, is having a little boy due November 11. She and her hubby will celebrate their first anniversary in August. Happy happy, joy joy. I must say that I’m much happier about the pregnancy of a friend of mine than I am about the pregnancy of my cousin. Not that I don’t wish her all the best, but I just don’t know that I will be able to put on a smiling face and coo over the little one when I want so much to be in a position to have a little one of my own. I know it’s not feasible right now, as I am damn determined that I am going to medical school, so the pitter-patter of little feet for me will have to be put on hold. Still, it seems so unfair that life can be so easy for some people and so difficult for others.

In the meantime, I will just surround myself with those I love and who make me feel good, and avoid those who don’t. In particular, I will make sure to get plenty of lovin’ from S’s little girl, the Peanut. She’s 2, cute as can be, and I must say that I think I love that child more than I’ve ever loved any child. She’s got her Auntie Kel wrapped around her little finger. Which is the only way I would have it.

I’m registered!

I just registered for my chem 101 class and lab for this fall. Whew. I was afraid that I wouldn’t get in the class due to freshman registration that’s going on. Fortunately, I was processed as of this morning and was able to register.

Now to manage to get through the class, with an A if at all possible. It’s going to be an interesting fall.