Getting so tired of the bullshit

Got a letter in the mail today – my landlord is raising my rent, not even halfway through my lease. WTF? Why are they doing that?

I’m barely making ends meet as it is, and now they’re raising my rent another $15 a month. Jesus.

I’m going to call them tomorrow and see if I can find out why they are raising my rent. I’m also looking for a new place to live. I suspect they really want to renovate this place and sell it, so they just might let me out of my lease. IF I can find someplace else to go that I can afford, and that will take me and my animals. I put an ad on Craigslist, so we’ll see.

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Second anniversary of the fire is coming up at the end of this month, and I still remember it like it was yesterday. I wish it didn’t bother me so much, but it definitely does. So many negative feelings tied to that event, and so many regrets. I used to love the fall, and now it makes me sick.

Sadness decendeth.

So many things I would write, if this blog were anonymous. I have, in the past, started other blogs that were anonymous so that I could write all the things that are going through my head without any of it getting me in trouble. I guess I could do private posts on my blog, or write in a journal, but part of what makes blog writing cathartic at times is the chance that someone will read what you wrote.

Suffice it to say that my mood doesn’t seem to be improving. It’s affecting every area of my life right now, including my ability to get anything done that needs to be done.

Something in my life needs to change. This happens periodically, I know, as I live in what seems a perpetual state of “not-good-enoughness.”

Part of my problem right now could change, but I’m not sure how to make that happen or even if it would actually make things better.  I’m afraid I’m waiting for things to change through the actions of others, when it would likely make more sense to make things change through my own actions.

Easier said than done. Especially when my meds aren’t working properly and my brain isn’t cooperating and I feel so damn sad and tearful all the time.

I’m taking things WAY too personally right now. Even things that aren’t personal are personal to me.  I assume that people are upset with me if they are just being quiet. I assume that they are talking about me if they’re whispering. I assume that if things are going wrong, it’s all my fault. I know logically that I have no proof about whether these things are true or not, but I’m just paranoid enough to spend time worrying about them.

Thing is, I don’t know how to talk myself out of those thoughts. Knowing logically that “it’s the depression talking” and that my thinking is skewed doesn’t make it feel any less real. Even finding out for sure that these things aren’t true (like if I ask someone if they are upset with me and they tell me that they’re not) doesn’t make it better. I assume the person isn’t being honest with me. And not knowing for sure if someone is angry or upset with me is somehow easier to deal with than knowing for sure that someone is angry or upset with me. In one scenario, there’s the possibility that I am mistaken, in the other it’s a certain fact. And I’m not sure I can deal with certain negative facts at the moment.

As my therapist said, I don’t have much protection around me right now. I’m feeling very fragile. It sucks. I don’t like being fragile. I wish I could discuss serious things without crying. I wish I could deal with bad news without falling apart.

Why on earth can’t I just be happy?

Didn’t sleep well last night. Woke up with a headache. Of course.

My nerves are on edge. I’m irritable as all get-out.  I tried to cook breakfast, burned it, lost it totally. Well, almost. Now I’m still hungry, but I don’t feel like attempting to cook something else. Would just go grab a bite somewhere, but it’s almost 10:30 and I haven’t showered, and my jeans are in the wash, and I don’t have anything clean to wear even if I showered, and….

I have no holiday spirit, no motivation to do anything at all, I just want to go back to bed and cry and stay there all weekend, and possibly until January.

Yes, I’m having my own little pity party.

I’m hoping that the new meds will kick in soon, but I don’t really expect them to work.

Now to decide if I can be sociable today. Supposed to take Andrew to an adoption event. Should stay there with him, but I may just drop him off and go back for him later.

Completely out of sorts

I stayed home sick today. Haven’t felt good since last night. Not sure if it’s a true stomach bug or something I ate, but either way, it hasn’t been a fun day.

I slept a lot today too. Finally got out of bed this afternoon at about 4 p.m. I still don’t feel very good.

Worse yet, my mood seems to have bottomed out. I’m really hoping it’s a temporary state of being, because right now, I don’t even want to talk to anyone because I’m afraid I’ll snap at them for no reason. I feel like screaming. I feel like crying. It has happened so fast, that I feel pretty sure it’s temporary, and I don’t know what I would do if it wasn’t. My doc wants to try MAOIs if things get bad again and, frankly, I really don’t want to have to go there.

Why is this usually the way?

I felt pretty good yesterday. Saturday. The weather was nice, and I was able to get some things done. Went to an adoption event that wasn’t all that successful from the perspective of my kitties, but got to chat with some friends and socialize a bit, so that was nice.

Today is Sunday. Woke up relatively early again and everyone has been fed, dogs have been walked…and I want to go back to bed. If I do, I’ll sleep the day away and not feel well, and not sleep well tonight. I’m feeling more on edge today for some reason. Slight headache, stiff, congested a bit. Hope I’m not getting sick. I have no time to be sick.

More importantly, though, I’m not feeling very motivated today. I need to clean up the house, clean out litterboxes and change the litter, but I just want to sleep. I’m not sleepy, just not motivated. There’s even a dine with your dog event at a restaurant in Durham that’s to raise money for IAR, and I’d probably have fun if I went, but I really don’t feel like driving to Durham to eat and then coming back home, and I don’t feel like driving to Durham to eat and going somewhere else.

I have a case of the “blahs” I think. I’d rather feel blah during the week than on the weekends. The weekends are the only time I have to do anything that’s not work, and I cherish them, but they are so few and far between and you blink and they’re over.

Sigh.

Dreams denied…

Haven’t blogged in a while – just haven’t felt much up to blogging.

Things are…tough right now. Not a lot to say about that other than I’m working on it.

Gotta find some joy in my life somewhere. Not much at the mo’.

Shifting meds around. Started Deplin (L-methylfolate). Not sure if it’s doing anything or not. Dropped Luvox. Lowered Lamictal. I don’t feel as foggy, but the mood is still declining. It’s only been since Friday, though. Will probably call the shrink today and find out if there’s something else we should be doing.

I do like the new shrink, though, which is a bonus. He seems to be pretty smart and has lots of ideas about things to do. Might be a good thing that my old shrink moved away. I think he was out of ideas anyway.

Have decided to drop my classes/withdraw from school. “Withdraw from school” sounds so drastic, but as I was only taking one class and a lab, and as I was/am a post-bacc student, it’s really not that drastic. Just too tired to function right now. Can’t spend enough time studying to do well. I’m wiped out after work in the evenings and the weekends … what energy I do have isn’t sufficient to study and prepare for my classes. So, I’m backing out. I’m not sure of what else to do.

And really, that’s kind of the position I’m in anyway – I don’t know what else to do. I can’t see myself still sitting behind a desk 10 years from now. I feel like things are stagnant, and I’m not sure what to do about it. Right now, I suppose, I need to just focus on getting my brain and body healthier and less stressed.

End of the weekend.

Accomplished pretty much nothing at all today. Between having a headache all day and my back preventing me from doing the most basic of tasks, if such tasks require bending over even a little bit, today was just a wash out.

Which, frankly, was not what I needed.

Essie didn’t eat much of anything today. I debated taking her out of quarantine, as she still doesn’t seem sick and I’m thinking her problem is likely stress/loneliness/boredom/depression? But, as her blood work results are supposed to be in tomorrow, I figured I would hold off until I know for sure she’s not sick.

If her blood work comes back good, I’ll take her out of quarantine tomorrow. Poor baby. I did get her to eat a little bit of boiled chicken tonight, but she didn’t even touch the prescription a/d cat food the vet sent home nor did she taste the chicken baby food last night.

She also hasn’t touched the dry food AT ALL nor has she pooped even once since I’ve had her home. But her belly isn’t distended and the vet didn’t think she had an intestinal blockage. When she tried to get a fecal sample, there was nothing to sample.

I may have to get her some subcutaneous fluids tomorrow if she still doesn’t eat. I’ll give her some more boiled chicken in the morning, if she’ll take it, and try her on some more a/d cat food, which she liked at first. Sigh.

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Anyway, tomorrow is day two of Research Fair for our grad students. We have a fair-sized class this year, and they seem like a good bunch for the most part. I need to get up early tomorrow and get to work, um, on time? so I’m heading to bed soon. Hopefully, despite my headache, I’ll be able to sleep.

Hopefully I won’t have to deal with the asshole neighbors again tonight. Things are, for now, fairly quiet.

Classes begin Tuesday morning and my CHEM 101 prof is, let’s just say, enthusiastic. Very enthusiastic. The class is going to be a lot of work, and sometime between now and Tuesday morning at 8 a.m. (ha!) I’ve got to find time to read Chapter 1 in my text and review the stuff he’s putting online tomorrow morning.

Of course, I’ll probably be working late tomorrow because of Research Fair. And I have to attempt to get adequate sleep so that I can focus in class Tuesday morning.

What the hell am I thinking doing this? Trying to remind myself of what my therapist said – it would be harder to not try. Harder to give up than to give it my all.

I surely hope she’s right, and that it will all be worth it in the end. Guess I’ll know sooner rather than later.

Little sleep…

I was wrong about the music being off. In fact, the music may still be on right now.

I dozed off and on in the living room for a while, then went back to bed and was, thankfully, able to finally fall asleep.

But I was woken again this morning just after 8 (I didn’t get back to sleep until nearly 6) by the stupid upstairs neighbor’s thumping bass.

Perhaps I should buy some earplugs. Except then I wouldn’t likely hear my alarm either.

Don’t know if the police ever came by last night. Oddly enough, you can’t hear the music well from outside, just from the ceiling inside. Figures.

Anyway, headache this morning even after taking something before I went back to bed at almost 6, and I’m soooo tired. And my back is killing me. Three trips to my chiropractor later, and I still can’t bend over without it being painful, and, if I move too fast, it feels like I’m going to fall down as the pain hits. Ow.

Alright, gotta go feed the furbabies and see if Miss Essie will eat this morning. She did eat a little yesterday, which is an improvement.

What the hell is taking so long?????

In June, I had two sleep studies. The first study was to see if I had a sleep disorder (I do), and the second study was to try me on CPAP (Continuous Positive Airway Pressure) therapy and find what air pressure was needed to alleviate my sleep apnea.

The second sleep study was on JUNE 28.

I still don’t have a CPAP machine.

I had an appointment a couple of weeks ago to get a machine, and, at about 10 minutes prior to my appointment, they called to let me know that they had not gotten insurance approval for the machine, as my doc had changed the prescription to BiPAP (Bilevel Positive Airway Pressure) therapy, as I was having trouble exhaling with the CPAP on, even at the low level of pressure I need.

BiPAPs are more expensive, so, naturally, the insurance company didn’t want to cover it. As I didn’t get notification that I wasn’t going to be able to get a BiPAP that day until 10 minutes before my appointment, as I was DRIVING OVER THERE after leaving work early to get there, I went to the appointment anyway and they told me what I would have to do to get insurance to approve a BiPAP instead of a CPAP. The process includes using a CPAP for a month and not benefiting from the therapy, and then having a THIRD sleep study to titrate my levels on a BiPAP.

Ridiculous.

I called my psychiatrist, who was the one that ordered the study in the first place, and we decided that we would just revert back to the CPAP and hope that I was able to get used to it. If not, then we’d push for BiPAP machine approval. He said he’d call the sleep clinic and let them know.

Apparently, that didn’t happen.

They called me about setting up another appointment to get my machine, and I asked if they had gotten approval yet.

They hadn’t. They said they’d contact my pdoc.

They called me again to let me know that they still hadn’t heard from my pdoc and they had faxed paperwork to him and called him, to no avail. They said they paged him, and no answer. I recommended that they contact my general practitioner to get the prescription, as my pdoc clearly isn’t acting as my doctor anymore (thanks for the notice, doc!). I gave them my GP’s info. Her office is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER from theirs. It’s a fairly well-known practice. This shouldn’t be an issue.

I set up an appointment for tomorrow (8/13 – a month and a half since my second sleep study), and they said they’d contact my GP.

So, I called this afternoon to make sure they had actually gotten the insurance approval this time, before I, you know, drove all the way to their office (~25 minutes in moderate traffic) tomorrow evening.

The woman I spoke with told me that they hadn’t heard back from my psychiatrist.

Ummm…I had already discussed that issue with the person I spoke with last week. You guys were going to contact my GP.

She says, “Oh, Dr. M M?  I see that on here, but I don’t have anything that shows that we’d heard from her. I’ll have to check and make sure we were able to get in contact with her. Can I call you back tomorrow and let you know?”

So, I turned around and called my GP’s office regarding the whole damn issue. Left a message for the nurse, who promptly returned my phone call and is checking with my GP regarding whether she’s heard from the sleep clinic. I told the nurse that I was happy to make an appointment to see Dr. M if I needed to in order to get a prescription for CPAP therapy. She’s going to call me back tomorrow.

Classes begin next week. I need to be able to start CPAP therapy sooner rather than later so that I’ll know if I can tolerate it and if it’s going to help, and I was really hoping that some of my sleep issues would be at least partially resolved before classes started. I guess I was hoping for too much.

I’ve got an appointment with a new psychiatrist toward the end of August, though I have no idea if he’ll be any good, though my therapist thinks highly of him. I loved my old psychiatrist, but then he moved to Charlotte and I guess he is too wrapped up in his own stuff to deal with long distance patients. Despite telling me that it wouldn’t be an issue.

My GP doesn’t want to try to manage my depression stuff because I have quite a history of being rather treatment-resistant and my meds are somewhat complicated (no where near as bad as they have been, though!). I don’t blame her, and I would prefer a good psych-med doc for that anyway. Wish they had true psychopharmacologists here, but I don’t know of any, and lots of the docs around here want to do both therapy and med management. I don’t need another therapist, just a doc that knows the meds inside and out.

So, I’m stuck. If things work out with the new pdoc, that will be great and I’ll be less stuck. But many of my physical complaints (fatigue, headaches, etc.) have been going on for so long, with no luck at figuring them out, and, well, I’d just like to find a doc who could at least have a fresh approach to the situation and an actual interest in trying to get to the bottom of it all…

God I’m tired.

Yawn. And stuff.

Almost 11 p.m.

I should have been in bed and asleep an hour ago, at least! After not sleeping well again last night.

Taking the kittehs to a Petsmart adoption event tomorrow. Hopefully they’ll be successful with finding new homes. I’m ready for them to go – especially Wink, as I’m growing more and more attached to her! She follows me around the apartment, sleeps right beside me, and, of course, still loves her Neville.

Not to mention that she’s about as cute as she could be. She’s becoming a beautiful cat. Still petite and dainty, but definitely growing now. She’s a sweetie-pie. (And speak of the Wink…she just got up in the chair beside me and is watching me blog about her.

But – I can’t keep her. I can’t can’t can’t. Nope. Can’t have so many pets. Wouldn’t be able to rescue anymore if I kept her. So, I can’t keep her.

Not feeling so attached to Casey. He’s still pretty standoffish and skittish, and I’m a little worried about how he’ll do tomorrow at the event. I’m pretty ready for him to go, but he’ll probably take longer to rehome, because he’s not so cuddly.

I want to get him a spot in the adoption center at either Petsmart or Petco so he can get more accustomed to contact from different people and, hopefully, get over being so skittish. I don’t think getting a spot will be difficult, but I don’t know how much it will help.

Anyway…

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Still past time to go to bed. Yet, here I sit.

My grandmother was supposed to be moved to a rehab facility today for further recovery from her knee replacement surgery. I spoke with her last night and she sounded a bit better, but still drugged up from painkillers. I know she needs the painkillers, but it’s upsetting to hear how out of it and forgetful she is when she’s taking them. I’ll be glad when they can cut back on her dose. I know she will.

Told her to tell someone to let me know the phone number at the rehab place, but, of course, I haven’t heard a word. She may not have remembered to tell anyone, but I would think my great aunts or my uncle would call me. Ah well…I call someone tomorrow and find out.

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So tired.

I’m doing okay these days, except for being so damned tired all the time. I wish I was sleeping better, but I’m just not. I wish the CPAP thing would get worked out, but it hasn’t. I wish I didn’t have to fight with insurance over everything. I actually got an “explanation of benefits” from Blue Cross Blue Shield for one of the sleep studies, and they were billed for $4,500. Yes, four thousand, five hundred dollars. Guess how much they said (as of now) they’re reimbursing? $172.26.

I’m not kidding. That would be one HUNDRED seventy two and some change. Less than two hundred dollars for a $4,500 bill.

Mind you, I have the PPO PLUS plan. The highest coverage they offer. I could have opted for the standard plan, which is completely covered by my employer, but I pay some out-of-pocket premium to get more coverage, as I’ve had a lot of medical expenses in the past few years.

Guess what? It’s not benefiting me. AT ALL. My therapist and psychiatrist are out-of-network, so they only cover them at a small percentage of the contracted amount (the amount they think my therapist and psychiatrist should charge). The benefits booklet is entirely misleading, as it says I am responsible for 30%. The reality is that they will cover 70% of what they think should be charged, and I am responsible for the rest. In the case of my therapist, whose session rate is $120 (she’s a Ph.D.), they think she should only be paid about $75 a session, and they will only cover 70% of that, or about $52. Of a $120 bill. Needless to say, I’m losing money.

They want me to switch therapists. She was covered under the other insurance policy, though, when we had an indemnity plan. That was one reason I chose her. But it hurts her financially to be in the BCBS PPO network, and I don’t blame her for not doing it. It’s pretty much impossible for anyone who is in a private practice or small practice to be a member of a PPO, if they want to make enough money to stay afloat.

So, I work for the state of North Carolina, which used to have pretty good benefits, if sucky salaries, and now we have sucky salaries and sucky benefits. The mental health benefits suffered more than most areas, which isn’t unexpected, but it is so frustrating. The humorous part is that my general practitioner, who is one of only two docs I see who are in network (the other being my gynecologist), won’t manage my psych meds. Because they are too complex. But when I tried to find an in-network pdoc to manage them, I found a woman who just wanted to do therapy and wasn’t very knowledgeable about the meds.

So, I’m still working with my old psychiatrist. But it’s getting frustrating.

I have an appointment soon with a doc he used to be in practice with, another “neuropsychiatrist” and, believe it or not, he’s in the network…supposedly. Guess I’ll find out week after next.

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Okay…almost 11:30 p.m., and I’m still sitting. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m so exhausted, but don’t want to go to bed. I’m going to regret it in the morning. But I have to get up and get ready for the event. I need to clean house and do laundry and wash dishes. I need to drop of my rent payment and pay bills online and try to figure out my finances, which aren’t looking so good these days. I want to do some sewing this weekend, and maybe some crocheting, and I’d like to finish the second Narnia book, which isn’t much of a challenge, as the books aren’t very thick and aren’t heavy reading, but it’s a matter of sitting still long enough to read, focus on reading, and stay awake while reading. Dammit.

News is going off. I need to hit the sack. ‘Nite.